Alexandra the Great
by Earthangie
Summary: A story alternating between Alex and Olivia's point of view. It starts as another story exploring the connection between the two women, but soon takes you in directions you would never expect.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Alexandra the Great  
Author: Earthangie  
Pairing: Olivia/Alex  
Rated: T-MA  
Spoilers: None  
Disclaimer: SVU group are property of Dick Wolf.

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**Part One: Olivia**

I couldn't lie. Not even to myself. There were, in fact, days that I actually couldn't stand Alex Cabot. I'm not talking about when she first started, that goes without saying. I've never been a fan of change, but blondes used to creep me out. I never thought I'd find one as smart as Alex. I feel like calling myself an ass for thinking like that in the first place. I'm talking about when we have a hard case; I mean a really hard one. We all put in our best efforts and I feel as though Alex questions that; sometimes rather bluntly. What gets me the most is that we would never question her dedication. So why does she have to be like that?

There's a problem with this though. It's when I have to go face to face with her. I see her, and no matter how angry I was before, it vanishes at the first glance. How the hell does she do that to me? I'm supposed to be hard as nails here and a look from her sends me into a powder puff fairy land. Watch out perps, here comes the swooning fuzzy cop. Sometimes I really wonder about myself.

I open the door to the precinct and it's so early, my bones still ache from forcing them out of bed without the proper hours of sleep. Besides getting hit in the face with stale air, the smell of coffee is lingering down the hallway. Could this place scream "man" anymore than it already does? However, if it screamed anything other than that, it wouldn't feel like home. Some days I really enjoy the fact that I'm ragged edged and bold. After all, I'm no Cabot. I'd trade in high heels for my boots any day. It must be painful to wake up and dress yourself in a straight jacket disguised as an expensive suit. Maybe that's why Alex seems so sharp all the time. Most people seem to be scared of her; I just think she could use a hug. Or better yet, a good lay. Not that I'm suggesting anything but come on now. Alex is a sight; it's when she opens her mouth that she breaks down the walls of adoration. It's obvious she's been alone a long time and I have a feeling it's going to get worse if she keeps this up. I can't deny though, there is something about the fearsome Alex Cabot that I can't pin point. Maybe it's just my intuition striking a match in my insides to spark this interest in her. Whatever it is, I wish it would just go away. I don't want to be interested in Alex in anyway because it's obvious that she lets absolutely no one in. I can see myself just putting effort into something that would just leave me frustrated and quite possibly embarrassed in the end.

Munch greets me with a quick 'hello' as he makes his way out of the captain's office to his computer. I like it when there's close to no one here in the morning. This place is so chaotic; it's nice to know that there are actually times when it's peaceful.

I lean back in my chair as I read over a case file that seemed to be going no where. I would have starred at the same paragraph for an hour, looking for a connection, had I not smelt it. My nose caught the faint whiff of her perfume; Calvin Klein's 'Obsession'. Ha, how appropriate. Well, I shouldn't be laughing because that's painfully true on more levels than one. I'm ridiculous. I lift my head and breathe in the air as much as I can. Munch looks at me oddly but I guess he can't think of anything sarcastic to say.

I see her. She's talking to Cregan. The door of his office left ajar from Munch's departure. I can see a sliver of her face. I watch her jaw move up and down and I'm entranced by it. I can't help myself.  
My view is abruptly blocked by a blue shirt and a black tie. My eyes travel up from Elliot's chest to his face as he smiles at me.

'You're early,' he remarks as he takes a daring sip of his scorching coffee. I offer a half smile.

'How long have you been here?' He asks me things like he's my brother. What he's really asking is, did I sleep last night? He could also want to know if I've been going crazy trying to figure out the missing piece to this case. Of course he doesn't need to ask because we're so much on the same page; he knows I'll tell him what he wants to know.

'Not long, just looking at Susan Clark's file.' I say that, realizing too late that I'm holding Madison Wustman's. It takes Elliot all of two seconds to notice and he turns around to look at Cregan's office to see the sliver of where my mind really was.

'You mean Alex's file…' he whispers and smirks like a little boy as he adds to my embarrassment, '… her profile…through Cregan's door.' I scowl with red cheeks and toss Madison's file onto his desk.

'Why are you like that?' I ask, knowing full well it's because he loves to figure me out. 'I'm going to the little girl's room,' I say leaning in so no one can hear but him, 'and when I come out, I expect you to be a gentleman.' We both laugh at the inside conversation as I turn from his grin and leave.

I'm starring at myself in the mirror. I can't understand why I can work these streets everyday with the things I see and yet, this counselor can get to me. This woman can get to me, but the worlds ugliest images can't even get to me. She's ruining my record. It used to be, nothing got to me. It's what gave me my power; my force!  
I don't really care that Elliot jokes about Alex. It just surprised me that he pointed out that I had a crush on her before I even figured it out myself. Some detective I am. We don't talk about it much, mainly because I don't know how to explain it. I told him once that it bothered me that I was attracted to her. His only advice was to make myself let go of it. Thanks El, I'll get right on that. Not that he's helping at all.

She pushes through the door fast. She seems to always be in a fast forward mode. She sweeps in and out of places in a flash. Can't she just slow down and take in her surroundings sometimes? I guess that goes with my job description, not hers. I confess, she startled me when she burst through that door. I don't think she expected me to be standing there either, leaning on the sink staring at myself.

'Olivia,' her tone seemed hard at first but she softened. I had to admit, she looked as though she was almost genuinely concerned. 'Are you okay?'

'Uh,' I cleared my throat that seemed to go dry in the second she power housed through the door. 'Yeah… Yes, I'm fine.'

'Are you worried about the case? Because if you are, I just made a major find.' She proclaimed this information proudly. Oh, so that's it. She didn't want to know if I was okay. She wanted to find away to show me how smart she was without announcing it so bluntly. How cheap.

'Really?' I reply as blankly as I can. Sometimes I think that if reciprocate the coldness she shows, that she'll see it in herself and stop being that way. However, I'm finding that it never works.

'Yes actually I seemed to find a connection between Madison and Susan because of the flower shop,' as Alex began to explain, I began to tune her out. She was so much better to admire when she wasn't boasting.

'Isn't that great detective?' she asked with a half smile. I didn't really like it when she called me detective. It was so impersonal. Why don't you give me a number Alex? Or just refer to me as the brunette woman. At least that would imply that you are able to give me some personification.

'Yes, that is a good find. Is that why you are here so early?' I'm so good at pretending to care, because right now I resent this woman so much. I am angry that she is my weakness. She reminds me of this specific motorcycle I wanted when I was in my twenties. Somehow I just couldn't get my act together, save up and dedicate myself to it. They don't even make that model anymore. See how that works? Alex, you unreachable dream, just go away.

'Yeah, I wanted to report it straight to Cregan.' Alex replied. Her facial features changed as she realized that I was staring hard into her face. She expressed obvious discomfort as she looked away and mumbled something about brushing up before heading back to her office.

'I'll tell Elliot the good news,' I say that with a lighter tone because I am suddenly hit with guilt for being so harsh to her. I, of all people, should know better. Fighting fire with fire only makes more destruction. I need to start killing Alex with kindness. I need to water her down and warm her up. Or else I really need to get over her soon.

I walk out of the bathroom and Elliot is standing with his coat on his arm.  
'Shall we?' he asks in a joking manner but its obvious that jumping into the unmarked car is the last thing he has time for this morning. I nod and follow him in silence to the parking lot.


	2. Chapter 2

**Part Two: Alex**

Does she honestly think I don't notice that she's not even listening to me? I don't even know why I try so hard to impress her. She's so good at what she does; I was just trying to show her that we had a moment in common. I thought she'd be pleased about the flower shop connection. At least, I thought it was pretty good.

Why was she looking at me like I killed her cat? I wonder if she has a cat… Hello Alex, not the point! God she must really hate me. I can't understand why though. I was never mean to her. Sure, I have a strict front but is she really that blind? What kind of detective can't see past a personal wall? Every perp that walks through her interrogation room door has a personal wall. No one faces the world without a defense. Sometimes it feels like Olivia IS my world, so in that case, my defense is made of iron. Like I care if Cregan is the first to know my find! I not only just found the perfect excuse to start my day with a dose of detective, I actually figured something really dyer out!

Oh no, what if I made her feel stupid or something? Here I am, going on about how I figured it out and she's been starring at the same notes, day and night for a week. Now I feel like a complete ass. Way to louse things up Cabot. I should go out there and say something to her. I should make this right somehow. Of course, I haven't the faintest idea how to do that. I'm a lawyer; shouldn't quick thinking and fixes come naturally to me? I guess in the ways she isn't being a detective to figure out that I am transfixed with her; I am as much to blame – being a counselor and failing to persuade her to find trust in my side of things. My job is to make a bunch of people believe in what I say. Why can't Olivia take my side? We are both so off track here.

I exit the bathroom with my only game plan consisting of the fact that when I see Olivia, something will pop into my head to say to her. Of course, my plan has failed already considering both Elliot and Olivia are no where in sight.

'Where did those two go?' I look to Munch and hope he can't detect the disappointment in my eyes. I always get anxious when I ask of Olivia's whereabouts. I'm always sure that someone will catch on. I'm also sure that even though I always refer to the detectives as a pair, everyone knows I'm really asking about Olivia. Maybe I'm just paranoid. My curiosity always gets the best of me.  
'The scene of the crime Ms. Cabot,' Munch is looking at me like I'm a fool. That's probably why he added, 'the flower shop. That IS why you are here this morning, remember?' Oh God, way to look suspicious.

'Oh, I'm sorry John,' I sigh and touch my forehead. I lie and tell him I got little sleep last night over all of this and that my brain is in a number of places.  
I pick my briefcase off of the chair adjacent to Olivia's desk and hurry out of the 1-6 before I really slip and announce my little girl crush on Detective Benson.

Back at my building my day seems to go the same way as it always does; painfully slow and full of criticism. I'm no celebrity but sometimes my life is in the spotlight so much I feel as though I could be Michael Jackson. I'd ask why everyone fine-tooth combs my life and my decisions but I already know the answer. I deal with people's freedoms everyday. Their freedom's of life or death, or their freedom to co-exist with the rest of the world. I would never downplay the sensitivity of the subject but it leaves little room for error on my part. I'm too young to have had an ulcer right? I had that one last year over my career after the Cheryl Avery's case. Of course, that's when I began to notice Olivia. She seemed to watch over me during that time. She hovered uncharacteristically close. No one's really watched out for me before. Thank god she did because I might have gone off the deep end if she hadn't.

It's settled then; the little pieces of free time I have today will be spent finding a way back to the precinct to show Olivia in some small way that I'm not as bad as I seem. In the mean time, this paper work is getting out of hand. I really need to start focusing...


	3. Chapter 3

**Part Three: Olivia**

Maybe she was being sincere. How am I even supposed to know? Alex carries herself like she founded the fucking United States all on her own. Okay, so maybe I'm just trying to make myself hate her. I wish I didn't feel like I had to do that; I try not to hate anybody really. I like to think that I'm pretty easy going, outside of the interrogation room anyway. Ugh, why does this woman make my head spin?

'Liv?' Saved by the bell. How does Elliot always know when to interrupt my dangerous thought train? Maybe he just has good timing.

'Hm?' I don't bother to look away from my window on the passenger side.

'You are either worrying about Madison… or you're thinking about Alex.' Gee, does he want a prize or something?

'Liv listen, I know we've talked about this before but you really shouldn't let Alex get under your skin. I know how you are. I know you wanted to be the one to make that connection.' I hate that Elliot is always right about me. Sometimes I think I'm so transparent, until I remember, Elliot's the only one who really knows me like that.

'Maybe you and Alex should leave your defenses at the door and try to be friends. I think you both would be less miserable.'

'What is this, High School?' I didn't mean to snap, I'm just in a bad mood. 'Alex is not my problem.' I suck at lying to him.

'Yes Liv, she is your problem and unfortunately, you need to figure out how to fix it or you need to let it go.' Why is Elliot even bothering with that line of thought again? I love him, but sometimes I wish he would just shut up.

'Olivia… it's starting to affect your performance on the job.' I know he said that with caution but to me it didn't mean a thing.

'Elliot! How can you say that?' I'm only offended for a second because I know it's true and so does he.

'Come on…" he's giving me that knowing look. Doesn't he know it's my job as Olivia Benson to be stubborn? I can't admit defeat. He's a dope if he thinks I'm going to agree with him outright. I just look back out the window as we pull up and park.


	4. Chapter 4

**Part Four: Alex**

Today was just another day to add to a long week of bad ones. Three people have already said 'thank god it's Friday' to me. Why don't they understand that Friday's really only apply to them? I could get called at any time, on any day, and be put to work.

Ring! Ring! Ring! See what I mean?

"Cabot." I hear Cregan's alarmed voice on the other end and he's telling me to get down to the 1-6 right away. Olivia shot Madison? Oh my God!  
"I'll be right there." I throw the receiver down, gather my things and hurricane out of the office. I love how people don't even look up anymore. I run in and out of this building like disease breaks loose once a day and I'm escaping from it. I am lucky to catch the first cab that passes and I hoped that traffic wouldn't be a problem.

Oh gees, Olivia must have killed Madison for this many people to be swarming around in here. I really hope that's not the case, but I have a feeling it is. I see Cregan first and he jumps when I touch him but gives me a relieved look before guiding me upstairs. The first thing I see is the two detectives. Olivia is sitting on the couch with her head in her hands and Elliot is leaning over her, mumbling anything to comfort her.

'Her union rep is on the way,' Cregan tells me before leaving me there to butt in.  
I didn't want to interrupt Elliot so I touched his shoulder softly. He turned to me and I asked what happened down at the store. As Elliot elaborated on what went down, I couldn't help but glance at Olivia, who sat in silence. She had this surprised look on her face like this had all just happened a second ago; when really, two hours had passed. She pressed her hands into her forehead and I wanted nothing more than to hug her right then. I couldn't believe that Madison had shot Susan and then turned the gun on herself. Then along comes Olivia and tries to talk her out of it, and Madison turns the gun on her. Olivia shot the woman in her own self defense. I know that doesn't help Olivia feel justified at all though.

Cregan's calls pull Elliot from our conversation and downstairs to the office. I'm now left alone in awkward silence with Olivia. I step forward cautiously and ask if I can sit. She nods lightly.  
'Olivia…' I start but I have no idea what to say. I don't have to continue, however, because she lifts her head to meet my eyes.

'I murdered a woman today.' She says that so simply, as if it were spilled coffee and she could just wipe it up and it would be forgotten. But her eyes are sad and my heart breaks for her.  
'You were protecting yourself; you were doing your job.' God, I must've sounded so textbook.  
'Yeah,' she says that with sarcasm as she looks away from me. I guess I'm not helping all that much, although I wish I could.

The remainder of the evening is spent taking down statements and going over details. I take notes and listen to the events from a seat at Munch's desk. Elliot is soon whisked away after a phone call from his irritated wife. He asks if Liv is going to be okay tonight and leaves her when she says she'll be fine. He's so good to her; I'm happy someone can get through to her.

People are slowly filing out and I think about how many Friday evenings are spent in the Special Victims Unit. I'm done with my work here and Olivia is almost finished as well. I told her that if she needed anything to call me. I really meant that in a 'be there for you' sort of way. When it comes down to it, I genuinely care about the people around me. I know I seem like a one woman team, but in times of crisis I like to think others could depend on me. I'm sure not many people see it that way though, which I feel is unfortunate.

She offers her thanks and says she's going to head home and that she's tired but she looks wide awake to me. Who could sleep after something like this happens? I know the way I feel after I put someone away that I really felt was innocent. I don't sleep for days after that. But I have to tell myself I did my job. Not that it helps, but everyone knows me; I pretend.

I figure I'll stop by my favorite bar because this week has sunk into me. This day has ripped away at my skin. First there was this morning, with that uncomfortable mishap in the bathroom and now all this. I order a scotch on the rocks and tell myself this will all smooth out soon. I just have to be patient; something I'm horrible at.


	5. Chapter 5

**Part Five: Olivia**

I took a life today... I took someone's life from them. What right did I have to do that? Badge or not, I am not God or anything. Not that I believe in him that much anyway, after the things I see everyday.

She would have shot me. She had already killed Susan. Susan didn't deserve that, she was so sweet. She was a little misguided that's all. It was my job to take out Madison for setting that bullet out after me. I was lucky. I could have died. What's my life worth anyway? It's not like I have family; other than Elliot... No, I can't sit here feeling sorry for myself, or for Madison. We all made our decisions. Madison decided to kill her co-conspirator and then attempt to kill me. Lucky for me, she's a horrible shot.

Then there's Alex. Even in all this chaos in my mind and in my heart, my mind finds it's way back to her. Damn her. She looked like she was going to hug me when we spoke tonight. Why didn't she? Having her arms around me would have made a world of difference. I would have told her anything she wanted to know, as long as she just held me. No body holds me anymore. We all try to act like rocks; emotionless and unattached. The thing is, we're still human. As much as I try to be a tough guy, sometimes it just comes down to the fact that I'm a girl. I'm a girl who fights crime. Sometimes it gets scary out there and I want someone to comfort me. I'm so tired of the phrase, "you were just doing your job." Those words mean nothing to me. They don't punish the perps and they don't bring justice to the victims. This is shit. I told Alex I was going home just so she would go away. It's obvious she's going to remain awkward around me and the anxiousness that surrounds her is not something I want to deal with right now. I grab my jacket and head to the bar.

I sit in the seat I occupy every Friday night on the end of the bar. It's sort of secluded so I can think about the week that's unfolded behind me. Jim dishes out the usual for me and I drink it faster than normal. He knows to keep them coming when I'm in this kind of a mood. I'm there for an hour before I feel a hand on my arm. I jerk it away before even looking at who it is, because when I'm drunk, I'm angry. When I look up, I see blue eyes searching my face with a soft expression. What's Alex doing here? Why does she look so normal?

'I thought you were going home.' What is she my mom? Why is everyone always telling me what I should do? Okay she's not really telling me what to do. I can't even think straight right now.  
'Obviously I didn't make it.' I said that really harsh but right now I just don't care about anything.  
'Olivia, I'm not the enemy here. Let me help you if I can.' She put her hand back on my arm and her skin is alarmingly soft; considering I thought she was made of granite. Maybe Alex has a heart after all.

As if my mind has completely shut down, I'm at a loss for words. I don't know what to say or do as I just look at her face. She's so beautiful. Any normal person would be ecstatic that the woman they secretly love is standing in front of them in a time like this offering her help. However, I'm no normal person. I try so hard to be mad but even in my drunken stupor I can see she really does want me to get off that stool and go home and rest.

I'm drunker than I realize when I go to stand and topple into her arms. Our bodies are pressed together and I try to pull myself up so I don't knock her over but my limbs feel like lead. She guides my arm around her neck and takes me outside. I can feel her hair under my hand and it's silky. I never thought I'd ever get this close to her. I have to admit, it's the first time all night that Madison is far from my mind.

Aw, she's hailing a cab. She's going to leave me alone with my thoughts. At least in the bar I was surrounded by people. At home I'm left to my own devices. I don't want to think about this. I don't want to think about anything. My mind is floating in and out and I suddenly feel exhausted as I stand there, leaning on Alex for support.

When the cab pulls up Alex helps me in as if I were on my way home from the hospital. Who would've thought she could be so caring? I certainly didn't see this coming. As a matter of fact, she's getting in beside me and giving the driver my address. I didn't see that coming either. How does she know my address?

"Alex, how... did you know?" I stumble over my words but she knows what I'm talking about. She shushes me and I slide sideways when we hit a bump and the rest of the ride we sit shoulder to shoulder.

I keep dozing off and Alex keeps touching my face telling me to stay awake and that we're almost home. Home? If only!

"You mean sad, lonely apartment you're going to dump me in! Look! There it is now!" I say pointing out the window on her side of the cab. My arm bounces off her nose as we stop and she gently guides it back down to my side. She pays the cab driver and tells me it's time to get out.

"Would you like me to stay? Would it make you feel better?" I can't believe she just asked me that.

"Of course it would!" I said that with frustration like she should've known. It just fell out of my mouth and then I remember that Alex had no knowledge of my interest in her. What if she figures me out now? Oh well, I'm not supposed to care; remember?

Standing outside my door I tried to get my key in the lock but I can't make it. "Do they have to make the key hole so small?" I'm so frustrated. Alex asks if she could do it for me and takes the keys and let's us both in. She's never seen my apartment so I don't blame her for looking a little bit surprised. It's lived in, that's all I'll say. I'm not a slob, I just don't have time to clean. I know that's not a crime. Ha, I would know too.

"Where is your bedroom Liv?" Wow. I never thought I'd hear Alex say those words. Of course, a lot is happening tonight that I never thought would happen. I just realized she called me Liv. Shit, she can call me whatever she wants. It's Alex for Christ's sake. I point down the hall and my eye lids feel so incredibly heavy.

I sit on the side of my bed and I try to take my coat off but somehow I get tangled. She silently helps me and takes it down off my arms. I point to my feet like a little kid and she gets down on one knee to untie my boots. The same boots that I choose over her high heels. I notice that hers are not on her feet anymore anyhow. She must've kicked them off at the door.

'Would you like me to wait until you fall asleep to leave?' She moves and talks so cautiously around me, as if I were a ticking time bomb. She reminds me of myself, when I would take care of my mother. The memory triggers tears immediately and I fall forward and wrap my arms around her neck without hesitation.

She must be shocked because it takes her a minute to bring her arms up around my back. I can't help but sob on her. Terrible thoughts run through my head and I spit them out of my mouth in hopes they will disappear.

'I'm turning into a horrible person... I'm going down a path I used to despise as a child. I'm a drunken fool, just like my fucking mother.' I can feel Alex's hand rubbing my back softly up and down. It just makes me cry harder. I can't even control myself. What's happening to me?

'I'm a drunken cop who murders people. That's why nobody loves me! That's why I live like this! I don't even understand my life anymore!' Am I even making sense? I'm pouring my heart and soul into Alex's shoulder and her lips linger dangerously close to my ear.

"No Olivia. I won't let you talk like that. You are a well respected and loved woman in this world and I won't have you saying otherwise. Those guys down at the 1-6 look at you like family. I see it everyday. They care about you so much. And I--" Oh my God, what was Alex about to say? I needed to know.

"And you?" I ask her through half opened eyes leaning back to look at her expression. She looked away but steadied my shoulders so I wouldn't fall backwards.

"Well I'm here, aren't I?" She's blushing.

"You're here," I realize the air is thick with sexual tension and the anticipation of someone breaking 'the' news.

She likes me.  
I'm so blind. I just didn't ever expect someone like her to like me and here she is; blushing at my bedside.

I look to the window when I hear the summer thunder roll overhead. It's a hot night; not even a rain storm could cool these streets. She sighs heavily and it brings my attention back to her.  
"You should get some rest." She gets caught in my eyes. I see it happen. She can't look away and I know she doesn't want to leave. I certainly don't want her too. Without thinking, I bring my hand up and hover it near her cheek. I then lightly drag my fingers from the corner of her brow, down to her chin. I can't stop myself. The street lights filtering in through my window create devastating shadows over her beautiful bone structure. She's holding her breath. She must be so scared right now. I probably would be too, had I not had so much to drink.

Lightning flashes outside and she jumps slightly. She goes to look out the window but my hands shoot up to her jaw and stop her.

"I want to look at you." What am I saying? I can't get enough of this moment. She's trying so hard not to look surprised. She's brave to look me right in the eye, I'll give her that.

The rain starts to fall out side and a warm breeze dances past her face and strands of hair follow. I brush them away and tuck them behind her ear and I notice a small smile on her face.

I pull her head forward and kiss her lightly. I sit there momentarily with our faces millimeters apart; my hands on her cheeks. Our eyes are closed and our lips are almost touching. "Stay." I manage. To my own surprise, I add, "I need you here tonight." Where did this bravery suddenly come from? I can't believe I'm asking her this. The room is quiet for a moment and all I can hear is her breathing. I feel soft puffs of air jump from my bottom lip to my chin. Me? I'm holding my breath. My heart is on fire, I could swear my life on it, but I don't move.

I open my eyes as she lets go of my shoulders and leans back away from my face. She rolls back on her heels and stands up. I wait for her to speak but she doesn't. She's going to leave. I know she is. This was too much, too fast.

She smiles kindly down at me as if to say, 'thanks but no thanks dear, you're talking like that because you're drunk.' She turns to the bedroom door and quietly walks out. I hear the front door lock but not open.

She appears in the door way and I watch her remove her blazer. A loud crash of thunder startles me and I gasp loudly. She laughs softly at me and reaches down to remove her knee high's. She pushes her skirt dangerously high and I'm enjoying the view more than she could ever imagine. Her legs are long and toned and I just want to reach out and touch them, seeing as I don't seem to be holding back this evening.

'Clothes,' I mumble to her. I'm trying to tell her to change. I point to the dresser and announce, 'bottom draw.'

She wanders over and pulls a t-shirt and two pairs of shorts out. She tosses me the shirt and shorts. She unbuttons her cotton blouse to reveal a pink camisole. The lightning flashes across the room and I watch her turn her attention to the invisible zipper on the side of her skirt. I can't bring myself to look away. She slides off the skirt and the length of her legs seems to double. The sight of her is incredible. I can feel my heart pounding in my chest. She turns her head slowly to look my way and I look away fast. I'm not completely obvious or anything. I struggle with my belt as I think to myself that the image of Alex in her underwear will stay with me forever.

I can't seem to get the belt anywhere near to off and Alex reaches down to help me. I feel like I should hold my breath because my heart is beating so hard I have a feeling she can hear it.  
"Stand up, come on." She's driving me crazy when all she's trying to do is help me get to bed. Parts of me wish I didn't drink tonight so I would be more mobile but then again, my time at the bar is what led her all the way home with me in the first place.

I steady myself against her as I find the strength to step into the shorts. She straightens up and I feel the room spin as i fall against her yet again. Her strength surprises me for such a delicate looking woman. A delicate looking woman, who tries desperately to not look delicate at all.  
I sloppily drag my arms around her neck and pull her close to me as tight as I can. She gasps, because in all our slow and careful movement, this seems completely abrupt. I am so thankful for her presence right now. I wouldn't want anyone else in the world here beside me.

"Thank you so much Alex." My whisper is raspy and lined with sorrow and she holds on strong to my body.

"It's nothing Liv." She's wrong. She's so wrong.

"It's everything. It mean's everything Alex." I think my heart stopped for a moment when I said that to her. I had never been so vulnerable in all my life. Yet with Alex here in my arms, my reputation didn't mean a thing to me. All that mattered was that she was standing there with me. She was there, caring right back. I know she's going to stay tonight, and hopefully more nights to follow.


	6. Chapter 6

**Part Six: Alex**

The smell of vodka lingers on her whispering words when she tells me to stay. I can't believe she kissed me. I know that wasn't just a thing that happened because she was upset and drinking. No. The way she touched my face… no ones ever touched me like that. Like I was made of glass. The only people that come close to me are the men I have busied myself with in the past. The last one, being Trevor. But among all the men I've dated or fooled around with, none of them made me feel the way Olivia has tonight. They all assumed I was a no beating around the bush kind of girl and just went for what they wanted. I guess with them it was just about sex. But I thought that's what relationships were like. You put up with men because men are men. You marry a man, you build a home and a family, you have kids and you have a man in your life. It's what I know. It's how I was raised. It's how society raised me and in my life, society seemed so important. I say 'seemed' because I don't want to live my life just tolerating men. I hold my ground so well, I'm so confident, I know what I'm doing. But here, this woman makes me blush! I don't blush! I think I would give anything to have her make me feel that way again. If this is what a couple hours of friendship feels like, I can only imagine how wonderful it would feel to be hers.

Olivia was just barely my friend yesterday and today I'm in her apartment helping her to bed. She makes me shy for some reason. Also, not a Cabot trait. My mother raised me wonderfully I think. She was strict. She didn't always say she loved me, and she didn't really hug me… or touch me at all for that matter. But my mother taught me how to deal with the harsh realities of the world. Now, Olivia touches my face and cries on my shoulder and I almost don't know what to do. No one's really trusted me enough to lay down their demons in front of me. However, I'm no fool. I know Olivia. She's like me. I know that we deal with the worlds ugliness in a lot of the same ways. We hold it all in. Being here tonight has opened all these doors in my mind. Suddenly I'm thinking of all the things I want from this woman in front of me and I'm actually scared that she could reject me. I've never really had that problem, I was the one to hand out the dating pink slips. It was really no skin off my nose but right now I care so much. I can feel Olivia's tears congregate on my shoulder and her face is hot against my skin. She's talking about the saddest things and for once, I feel so strongly for her. This overwhelming feeling takes over, like her sadness could wipe out a whole country and it is my job to stop it. How odd. My mind is spinning as these new feelings and sensations take over.

Olivia has stopped talking. She isn't making any sound for that matter. She begins to pull out of my arms and I ask her if she wants to lay down. She makes a pained face and bolts for the bathroom. Big girl has a weak stomach. I follow close behind and turn the light switch on. I hold her bangs back and rub her back. When she's able to pull her head out of the bowl she looks at me with have closed eyes and says, "I'm so tired of this life." All I can offer her for support are the words, "I know," because I can relate to her. I watch her reach for her tooth brush and she brushes her teeth on the floor and spits toothpaste into the toilet. I help her to her feet and the clock in the living room dings 2 a.m.

Her sheets are crisp, cool and feel good against my skin. They smell exotic, like the rest of the incense filled apartment. I notice burnt sticks in a holder by the bedside lamp and I think about how it makes the apartment more cozy and homelike. I look down at Olivia's caramel colored hair, disheveled, leaning against my chest and I think about how Olivia, herself, is extremely exotic. I guess I just didn't notice. Or I tried to tell myself I didn't. Her world seems so full of vibrant life and I feel like my world is dull and running on a irreversible schedule.

We are laying facing each other, she's curled up against me and I'm pretty sure she's sleeping. I watch her body rise and fall as she lays there silently. Even with her unconcious, I feel somewhat anxious about being so close to her. I'm slightly nervous about what the morning will bring but I push the thought out of mind. The thought of Olivia bringing a new flavor to my life fills my mind instead and as I revel in the thought of never leaving this bed, I feel sleep set in, and I soon fall asleep.


	7. Chapter 7

**Part Seven : Olivia**

"What time is it?" I think to myself as the sunlight burns through my eyelids.

I roll over as I hear the bathroom down open slowly. My eyes catch the clock as I turn to see Alex, trying desperately to be quiet. 4:30a.m. Oh man. It takes me a minute to realize why Alex is here in the first place. She spots me and notices the confusion register across my face. She tugs nervously on the bottom of her blazer.

"Do you remember last night?" The look of embarrassment washes over her face and I feel guilty for putting her in this place.

"Yeah.. Alex look--" Pieces of the evening flash in my memory. I'm not sure what to say. Alex cuts me off though.

"Olivia." She's smoothing out her clothes and I can honestly say, I've never seen her so out of place. Out of character. "Nothing happened."  
Huh? How can she say that? Something did happen. I kissed her. Does she want to forget? I sit up slowly, the earth shattering hangover piercing my head. She begins to move for the door when she's catches the frown on my face. I watch her shift her body language and her mood drifts back to the attorney she is. She's getting ready to defend herself, even though I've said nothing. I can see it.

"I'm sorry then." Ha. Caught her off guard with that one. She turns, looks confused and squints her eyes.

"What do you mean?" She asks me simply.

"I mean, I'm sorry you think that was nothing." My heart begins to race as she crosses her arms over her chest and opens her mouth. "No Alex. Don't say anything. Let me say something. I shouldn't have laid all that on your shoulders. I remember what happened last night. I cried on your shoulder. And I--"

"And I should get going." How could she cut me off like that?

"Maybe you forgot what happened last night?" I challenge her, anger welling up inside me as my chest tightens.

"Olivia, it wasn't that big of a deal. I was glad to help you but.."

"BUT nothing. If it was nothing then why can't you say it? Or hear me say it?" A deafening silence clouded the room as I sat there in my bed and she, fully clothed, beside the door. She looked at me, unable to word her thoughts for once. Oh Cabot, get over yourself.

"I kissed you." I almost laughed when her face flashed disbelief. Like she wasn't there or something. Was she going to play it off like it didn't even happen? "…and you liked it." Okay that smirk just slipped but, oh, did it infuriate her. She acted as though she was on a stage in her underwear. Embarrassed and confused, she opened my bedroom door and without looking back said, "I'll see you down at the precinct, Detective." Oh burn. Why is she LIKE that? My God.

I get out of bed and throw back some Advil. Staring at the mirror in the bathroom I wonder how all that could have possibly happened. A glimpse of gold catches my eye and I see Alex's watch laying on the sink. I inspect it like I would evidence. I see her fingerprints on the face and I put it to my ear to listen to the soft tick. I hate you Alex. How could you be so cold? Why did I think you were more than that? Okay, I'll tell you why, because I saw it in action. I saw that glint in her eyes, that want, when I touched her face. I felt the push in her lips when I pressed mine against hers.

I enter the precinct and set myself up for a day of paperwork. I'm stuck on desk duty for a while and I better make the best of it. That's the price you pay for taking lives. If only that were the only price to pay. Elliot comes rushing in, 20 minutes later.

"Hey Liv, how ya makin' out?" He's referring cautiously to my evening with my upsetting thoughts, but I'm dying to say, 'you mean who's making out with me? Alex, and I want to smack her for being such a closet case.'

"I showed up today. How's that for a start?" It's all I can offer him.

"It's a good one." He smiles genuinely. He's such a good friend. Maybe one day I'll sit him down, when I get the balls to, and tell him how much I appreciate him. My thoughts break when Cregan bursts from his office, oblivious.

"Elliot, we just got Ricky to talk. I need Cabot down here, NOW." Elliot's new case had already cracked. I don't know much about it, except that Ricky was the key to get his search warrant. And we all know where we get our warrants. Cabot.

"Liv, want to call Cabot down here for me so I can grab some coffee?" Oh man. I want to scream and beat him with vanilla folders but that wouldn't solve anything.

"How 'bout you call her and I'll get you're coffee. I make it better than you do." I joke with him to misdirect his attention from the fact that I don't want to call Alex. He always has me call her because he knows how much I love it. However my insult can't steer the suspicious look from his face. He doesn't push with Cregan lingering over with Munch. He makes the call and I cringe with my back to him. What the hell am I going to do when she walks through that door?


	8. Chapter 8

**Part Eight: Alex**

I can't believe this. I try to be a good friend and look what Olivia turns it into… Oh my God, what am I saying? I wished for this. I wished and I got it. I'm the one who dragged her out of the bar. Was I really doing it for her well being or for mine? I'm loosing sight of the real point here. Olivia was in pain and I was supposed to be helping her. Then we got caught up in the moment. Gees, listen to me.

The moment.

The cab weaves quickly through the streets as I realize just what's going on in my head. Hello Alexandra! I noticed Olivia the first moment I saw her. She was so different from the other women I had met. Something just drew me to her and I could never break that. I thought what I had was respect. Maybe that's just my cover word for adoration. Because that's what I think I have now. I feel like she's killing my façade. I'm on my way over there and I'm melting just thinking about it.

I have to be realistic thought. There are so many variables here. I've never been so torn in my life. On one hand, I think Olivia is amazing. I've always loved admiring her from afar but now that she's making it real… I don't know what to do with that. She seems so unafraid of this world. I suppose that's probably because she's embraced it, or lived with it for some time now. Me? I just realized what 'this world' is. I don't think I'm ready to admit that I might be part of it though. I never really put a name to this little crush. Although it seems it's not so little anymore because when she kissed me last night, I felt my body go numb. The only thing I could feel were her fingers on my face and her soft lips on mine. The thought makes me warm up inside on this chilly morning as I step out of the cab. But as I look up and read the sign above the door, I realize the reality that awaits in the 1-6. Olivia. My actions this morning were horribly unattractive and I owe her an apology. I've never been really good at those.

I walk in and Olivia's not in sight, but Elliot is and he whisks me into interrogation where I watch him work with Ricky. While they speak, my mind drifts back to Olivia. You know, she didn't need to get that upset this morning. Come to think of it, she was a bit cocky. Why does she have to be so thick headed sometimes? She's so sweet and innocent one second and then the next she acts like a man, whose pride has been scuffed. The stresses weave in and out of my brain as Elliot calls me back to attention with a soft push on my shoulder.

The day goes in and out as I find myself heading back down to the precinct, late afternoon for Munch and Fin. My mind has made its way to Olivia all day and I stress out about it every time. With all that's going on lately, I feel like things are spiraling out of control for me. Too many things out of place and I don't know what to do with that. I usually have everything figured out by now. But all of this leaves me at a standstill. I absolutely loath it.

Between the stresses of this past week and the running between offices, somewhere I forgot to eat today. I only realized it as I began to argue with Munch over his bizarre philosophy that would never make it by a judge. Suddenly I couldn't hear him speaking, all I could see was his lips moving fast. The room began to spin and I thought, at most I was going to throw up. Instead, my legs gave out and I fell against his desk. Things got fuzzy after that and I felt my body shaking violently as Munch guided me to his chair and sat me down.

"If you wanted me to listen to you, you could have just said that! I get the point Cabot! Sometimes I don't make sense…" He joked with me to lighten my mood as Elliot came out of the back room with some orange juice and a donut for me. I felt embarrassed at the how unprofessional it felt to be catered to. For being so weak in front of them. I'm just glad Olivia wasn't here to see. I don't too look like more of a fool in front of her than I already did this morning. Oddly enough she's been gone when I've been here. First she was out doing errands and collecting files. Ironically, I believe she's at lunch right now. I don't want to stick around though, I know the boys can't wait to tell her about this. However, I can't stop shaking and I'm sure if that donut comes anywhere near my mouth I'm going to be sick. This has been the worst day of my life.


	9. Chapter 9

**Part Nine: Olivia**

Having Alex cross my mind today is bittersweet. It's both welcoming and disturbing. I hopelessly into her, and when she crosses my mind I smile. However, when I replay this morning's denial scene, my heart shakes a little. Sometimes I need to stop being a cocky ass, and just talk things out. What kind of reaction did I really think I was going to get with that. "..and you liked it." I'm shaking my head and people passing me on the street are starring at me strangely.

My arms are tired from carting this paperwork all over the city, but now that I've complied all of my information I feel like I can really get some work done. I think about how I can really concentrate now that I've had that afternoon ice coffee. Even if Alex drifts back into my mind, I have the power to push her back out again.

When I walk into the precinct, it's generally pretty quiet for a weekday afternoon. I walk in and the first thing I see is Alex. She's bending down, picking up a file that had fallen to the floor. She looks up for a moment, I give her a half smile and she looks back down. Almost embarrassed. I ignore the fact that she could use some help and drop my paperwork on my desk. I look over a few memo's Elliot's left on my desk and I see her stand out of the corner of my eye. Suddenly she becomes very still. I sense something's wrong but as I'm turning my head to ask her the problem she drops to the floor. The disgusting thud of her head hitting the precinct floor makes me jump and I drop my papers and rush over to her.

"Alex? Alex!" So many things race through my mind. I wonder, what on earth could be the cause of this? And why the hell isn't she answering?

"Alex, please sweetheart! Answer me! Alex! ALEX!" My voice is frantic and I'm shaking her shoulder and tapping her face. I hear something behind me and see Munch emerge from the bathroom. He spots us but before he can rush over I scream to him.

"Call a bus! Alex fell, hit her head and she's not responding!" Munch hesitated for a moment, to rubberneck the scene before I screamed for him to hurry. I turned back to Alex and shook her shoulders again. In that instant that she had fallen, the idea that she might be dead flashed through my mind. I knew that couldn't be the case, but trying to stay rational at this moment was becoming quite difficult. The longer she stayed unconscious the higher my anxiety rose.

After about a minute, Alex came to. She moaned as she tried to move.  
"Alex, honey, are you okay? Can you hear me?" My questions are frantic and I'm dying for any words she can offer. I realize how scared I am and try to calm down.

"My head hurts." She tries to move and I pull my arms under hers and pull her up to sit.

"You need to sit up for me, okay? John called a bus. He had to, you were unconscious." She must hate doctor visits, don't we all. She closed her eyes as she leaned her forehead against my shoulder.

"How long?" Her voice cracked and her body shook hard. I tried to steady her but it didn't work.  
"About a minute… a minute too long." I speak without thinking. She seems to appreciate the comment instead of feeling pressured by it.

Munch runs over with some water and hands it to me. I give it to Alex and I hear the medics come through the front door. I almost don't want to give her away to them. I want to sit here and nurse her back to health. I'm scared though, because I don't even know what's wrong with her. She seems so invincible, I just never thought I'd see the great Alexandra take a fall like that.

The medics take over with blood pressure machines and questions about health history and I step back out of their way. I feel helpless, confused and worked up. They roll a stretcher in and Alex tries to refuse it. The medics sense her stubbornness and two of them help her walk out to the lobby where she can retain some dignity. I follow them. I watch as though the two way mirror is between us but she knows I'm there. She turns her head slightly and gives me a weak smile before they lower the stretcher and help her on.

I'm sure it's nothing. I'm sure it's no big deal, but I've never felt so helpless before. Suddenly, Alex being a closet case, doesn't matter that much anymore.


	10. Chapter 10

**Part Ten: Alex**

I feel so nauseous right now. No, I feel more embarrassed than nauseous. I can't believe that just happened in front of her. The medics won't let me lift up my head to look out the back window but I guess I don't have to. I know she's following. How can all of this be happening so fast? Why would she care about what's going on with me? After the way I treated her? I don't deserve it. You know, sometimes I can be so selfish.

"Ms. Cabot?" I turn my attention to the medic.

"Yes?"

"We're almost at the hospital. You just had a minor fainting spell but you're head needs to be checked out by professionals. I don't anticipate you'll have to stay long. They'll have to do some blood work… really routine stuff. How has you're stress been lately?"

"The same as it always is, horrible." It was the truth. The little satisfaction the job offered was quickly stomped on by a new, rougher case than the one before it. I knew my job was never done, but I loved the challenge. I loved winning. I loved working with the Special Victims Unit. I loved being around Olivia. And if I wasn't sure about staying with the SVU before; I knew it was too late to turn back now. I was all woven up in those cases. I was all woven up in Olivia's passion for justice and it turned me into a crusader as well. It was thrilling to be part of that team. I felt empowered with them. Like nothing could stop us. Until, that is, I passed out in the middle of the 1-6. I took a few steps back to earth with that one.

At the hospital I hadn't seen any sign of my detective. My thoughts were quickly transfixed away from my search when I was whisked away to a room. The doctor came in with his tray of needles and swabs. He said his hello's and worked quietly. I'm a wimp when it comes to doctors so when I had to get stitches in my forehead, I think I nearly passed out again.  
A few stitches and a couple tests later the doctor returned with a questioning look. You know, it's that look they give when they tilt their heads down and look over the top of their glasses. It's menacing. At least to me.

"Ms. Cabot, is there a Mr. Cabot?" Hmm.

"No there isn't, unless you count my father."

"A significant other? Boyfriend maybe?" Where is he going with this? He's older than my dad. Maybe he was as old as my grandfather.

"No sir, there isn't. Is there a point to this?" I'm annoyed by his beating around the bush.

"Ms. Cabot, it seems you are pregnant."

"…. What?"

"It seems you are little less than two months. I take it, this is the first you've heard of it."

"Uh, yeah… I mean yes. I mean, oh my God." What the hell did I do?

"With the stress of that on your body and the anxiety and stresses in your work life, you simply 'overheated' so to speak. That's what caused you to pass out. My only suggestion to you is to start eating much healthier than you have been and get a lot of vitamins. Try to stick with the greens." He gave a soft smile, as if talking to a child. I just starred at him. I was speechless. What the fuck?

"Ms. Cabot you're clear to go." He stood up and shook my hand. He pointed me down the hall towards the exit and added, "Congratulations."

I didn't turn back to thank him as my mind reeled. I walked slowly and concerned dropped harshly on my face. Except when I looked up, Olivia was standing there. Her eyes full of confusion. Her body language; awkward. She heard him say congratulations, and she saw the look on my face.


	11. Chapter 11

**Part Eleven: Olivia**

That look… she looks so tired and humble. This just hasn't been our week. Now, what do I say to her? Congratulations? What's that about? What's going on with her? I suddenly feel like maybe I shouldn't be here.

"Hey… How are you feeling?" I have such an urge to ask about what that doctor had said in the hall but I felt it was not really my business.

"Not so good… You didn't have to come down here you know." She spoke quietly. If she had any anger left in her, it wasn't coming through. In fact, my own anger had subsided long before arriving here. I couldn't stay mad for long, especially at Alex.

"I wanted to make sure you were alright. You gave me… um, us… quite a scare down there." I don't know why I'm trying to hide my affections for her now, after all, she slept in my apartment last night. "Let me take you home." She simply nodded and followed me down the hall.

Outside the forecast hadn't changed. The day was gloomy and it was beginning to rain. I opened the door for her and she slipped in with a mumbled thank you. She asked if we could go back to the precinct first to pick up her belongings. After that, silence wafted through the unmarked cruiser. When the rain started she turned and looked at me. I didn't know what to say at that point, mainly because I wasn't sure what the hell was going on.

"I thought it could've been because I didn't eat lunch." She said simply.

"Huh? You mean about the fainting spell? I mean…" When I glanced at her she looked away. Her eyes fixed on the rapid movement of the windshield wipers.

"I'm sorry, Olivia…" Her voice cracked when she spoke. She has quickly changed the subject. But when she spoke my name my heart skipped a beat. "The way I acted today was… childish."

"It's okay, I got over it." I smirk at her to lighten the mood. She tries to force a smile but it doesn't quite make it. She turns her attention the traffic that seemed to be pilling up.

"Great, looks like we'll be stuck here a while." I announce what I'm sure she's thinking. We just want to get out of this car and away from these awkward silences and unspoken secrets.

"Olivia, if I told you something, would you swear not to tell a soul?" She faced me and looked at me with a contract stare, unafraid to turn away now.

"Unless you're out there breaking the law Alex, I'd say, you're secret's safe with me." It's weird to have her looking at me so intently. I suddenly feel claustrophobic, but the fact that she's going to open up to me brings me back to earth.

"The doctor said I was pregnant." She lowered her eyes to the shift stick. I just looked at her, completely shocked.

"Trevor?" Gosh, it just slips out! Don't I ever think first?

"God NO!" She defends, almost hurt. "Why do people think I like that man?"

"Sorry, didn't mean to jump to conclusions but, I did drop in on a date of yours once, remember?" I cringed, she smiled.

"I remember that, ha! The look on your face! I wanted to just walk out with yo-- …" She blushed suddenly and trailed off back into thought before continuing. Meanwhile, my stomach is twisting in so many knots I might just pee my pants.

"I know I seem like a hard ass. Okay, I don't seem like it. I just am one. But I need ways to unwind too, like everyone else. Two months ago, a lot of things were happening. My family was fighting, I don't think more than two people were speaking at the same time. My father was loosing business to some big wigs, even though I don't see why that matters now. I hate that they have all that money and still have the balls to complain. I was raised a priss, but it's not how I turned out. In fact, some of my favorite cases to prosecute are the ones with all the money who think they can do whatever they want."

"I hear that." I'm inching through traffic as Alex openly goes on.

"Well, I was in trouble with Donnelly so I had that 2 week suspension. The family issues were raging. I got you guys at SVU in trouble, so no one wanted to see my face around there. I guess… I guess I was pretty lonely. The problem with me is… it's like I have to constantly be moving. So I go to bars a lot. I get drunk and I dance and I meet these people who don't need anything from me."

I just watched her as she spoke. Her tone was dropping and sorrow lined her every word. She was confessing her weaknesses to me and I wasn't exactly sure why. Maybe she needed to defend herself or justify why she, of all people, would be carrying a baby she didn't even think to expect.

"Anyway, it's not like I'm some kind of a slut." My eyes widened at the word. Alex, a slut? I wanted to laugh out loud. Mainly because I wish she was. I tried hard to focus on what she was saying, and where she was going with all this explanation.

"It's just this one night I did go home with this guy. We had a few shots at the bar on a dare from some of his friends. Back at his place we kept drinking and laughing. The only thing I remember is waking up on the couch. He made me coffee, gave me his number and called me a taxi. He was a perfect gentleman." Her face froze at the end of her sentence and she frowned stiffly. I assumed she was fighting any kind of emotion that was on its way out.

"Alex, was he the only-- "

"Yes. The only man I've been remotely close to in the last six months actually. I remember because I felt funny the next morning, but I thought it was just the hangover. He was so nice, you know? I mean, I should know better. We see the 'nice' guys everyday. No one is ever who they seem to be. Except.."

"What?" Traffic begins to move and we are creeping through the streets. The rain is still beating hard on the window and the glass fogs slightly with Alex's heavy sigh. I touch her forearm lightly as if it say 'its okay' and she continues.

"Except… I don't remember sleeping with him. Unfortunately that's my problem because I should have known better than to leave with someone while I'm drunk. The truth is, I have no idea what happened after we got back that night."

"Hey Alex, don't beat yourself up over that. We've all gone home with someone before when we've gone out drinking. It just happens sometimes."

"You don't have to say that just to make me feel better you know." She rolls her eyes and I take a deep breath.

"I'm not; I slept with a detective in my own unit. We were at Meloni's and the evening just followed us home. He left the unit before you signed on with us." She looked at me with genuine surprise. Maybe she suspected I liked women my whole life. Maybe she didn't realize that with her, it just flows out of me. I want to be by her side all the time, I shamelessly flirt. I was never this confident before. I can't explain it really.

"Anyway Alex, did you ever call this guy? I mean, do you still have his number? Maybe you should call him now? Maybe you should ask him what happened."

"Yeah right, 'hey remember that night I stayed over? Did we have sex? Or did you drug me?'" She laughed but I was concerned that maybe there was something she wasn't telling me.

We pulled into the lot of the 1-6 and she reached for the door handle but stopped.

"Olivia, would you like to go get dinner or something? I have so much to think about and I just don't want to deal with it yet. I'm sure you feel the same way." She looked at me with pleading eyes and I would have kissed her hard, were we not right in the middle of cop central. Officers came in and out of the back doors, passing our car without a thought. Rain bounced off the plastic rain caps that covered their hats as they dashed for their cruisers. I smiled at her instead.

"Of course, why don't you wait for me here and I'll grab my things and we'll get out of here." Relief washed over her face but it didn't stay long as my hand reached for the keys, pulling them from the ignition.

I stepped out of the car and the summer heat hit me in the face. The rain offered some comfort and I took my time walking up the steps to the precinct. I wondered what had happened to Alex that night with the strange man. It surprised me to hear that she was such a partier. I guess the quiet reserved ones always are. Their life's work is to confine their emotions, so when they let them out, things get crazy. Just the way things were already going crazy in my mind.


	12. Chapter 12

**Part Twelve: Alex**

Suddenly alone in the cruiser, the rain hits harder, my headache pounds stronger and everything overwhelms me. This is nothing but a disaster. How did everything get so out of control?

The squad car smells of Olivia's lingering scent and I catch a faint whiff of Elliot's cologne. I imagine Olivia drive's more often if the passenger seat is lined with Elliot. I breathe in her scent deeply and all my muscles seem to react as my body relaxes. My eyes slip closed and I prop my elbow on the door and lean my head against my hand.

The car door opens and I snap awake.

"I'm sorry that…" She stops as she catches me yawn, "…took so long. We're you sleeping?"

"I guess I must've dozed a bit." I flutter my eyes and try to regain some energy. I feel her eyes on me and I turn my head.

"Do you still want to go to dinner?" The look on her face is pleading with me to say yes. I do want to spend the evening with her. This time I don't plan on running away.

"Yeah, I defiantly do. I'm starving." Her eyes came alive with my response and she handed me my blazer and my briefcase. Our hands brushed. Hers were soft as silk as they grazed mine. It amazed me. It seemed like a misplaced trait for someone so hard. With a profession like hers, I mean. I guess I half expected a construction worker's, toned, jagged skin. She turned the ignition and it startled me out of thought.

"Where to?" Nothing came to mind. I didn't want to go to a fancy restaurant and that's all I knew.

"Ha, I don't know any place. I don't want to go up town though." She smiled at me, knowing exactly what I meant. The thing is I always dine uptown. The thought of eating anywhere else never really crossed my mind. However, things felt different this week. Everything was different. I was spending time with Olivia. We went from butting head co-workers, past friends, to close friends. I guess that's what you'd call it anyway. I mean, suddenly we are each others support. We're taking care of each other, watching and waiting closely.

"I have a place you might like," she pulled out of the precinct with a smile. "It's probably really different from what you're used to, but still. I mean, if you're open for change."

"I am." I meant it in so many other ways than what was for dinner. I think she might have noticed that too.

The car ride silent as we drove through the slick streets of New York. We soon came upon a cute Italian bistro. It was pushed between a deli and a bar. We were in a part of New York I had never seen. It was… colorful. When we walked in, the air was full of life and people laughing. It was warm and Olivia guided me softly, as we were swiftly seated.

"Where did you find this place?" I asked her, noticing the paintings on the brick colored walls.

"Actually, a close friend switched me on to it. It's different from other places. The people are different too." She said with a knowing smile. I looked around to see what she meant. Two men sat in the far back of the room, laughing and slapping each other's arm's playfully in jest. Up at the bar on the other side of the restaurant two sets of women sat closely, divulged in deep conversation. A group of people occupied the center of the room with rounds of beer and funny stories from work.

"Is this a… gay restaurant or something?" I wasn't exactly sure how to word it. I spoke quietly and Olivia laughed at my ignorance.

"I guess it looks that way. Really, all sorts of people come here. It doesn't seem to matter what you are. It just seems to be such a comfortable place, you know?" The waitress came over and lit the candle in the center of the table and took our drink orders. As Olivia spoke I watched at the light that danced and spun under her jaw. The flickering light was a perfect accent to the aura of the dimly lit room. Olivia turned to me and I immediately looked away, feeling guilty for starring. I ordered and the waitress left us menus.

"It's beautiful." I remarked, my eyes wandering away from the menu. The ceilings had criss-cross planks with fake vines and grapes weaved over them. Old photos and Italian items littered the shelves against the wall. The people spoke loudly and the music was fairly loud too. I hated to sound so prissy, but I was used to elevator music. Not that I liked it.

"Oh, I love this song!" Olivia said suddenly, looking up from the pasta section.

"What is it?" I honestly had never heard it.

"Are you joking? It's 'Mambo Italiano'! This is a classic!" She exclaimed laughing. It was catchy, I liked the way it sounded. Just then the table in the center of the room, full of co-workers, began to chant the words loudly. Olivia bounced her head to the beat and went back to her decision on what to eat. The two men from the back of the room got out of their seats and began dancing sloppily on the tiny dance floor in the corner of the room. I pointed them out to Olivia and she seemed to look at them longingly before turning back to me.

"I love it when people just let themselves go. It's refreshing." Her words were simple but everything seemed so surreal. I hadn't really talked to Olivia about anything but work. I didn't really know what she felt about anything. It felt good to know we'd be getting to know each other more.

Dinner went well with us joking about things Munch had done and said recently. Olivia went on about the antics that went on in the 1-6 when things weren't crazy with case loads. She told me about their nights out at Meloni's when they could get all together. I felt slightly jealous but it quickly melted as Liv's smile flashed wildly at her own memories. I thought about how I could watch her move and speak forever.

The waitress came by and Olivia asked if I liked white or red wine. I told her red and she ordered a bottle. Our plates were almost empty but I felt like the night had just begun. I told her about my college days and the crazy things my girlfriends and I had done and been caught doing. She laughed heartily at my misadventures and I wished I had more to tell just to hear her laugh. When the wine arrived she raised her glass to me and I mirrored her.

"This is to…" She frowned, looking for words. A thought came to my mind.

"New beginnings, hard times and finding friendship." She looked at me with a shocked expression; not expecting words like that from me. I had to admit, I didn't really expect them myself. They sort of just came out. But I was so thankful for her. I was thankful for the distraction, for the help, for the warm atmosphere in a world where mine is so cold. We clinked glasses and went on talking about days before dealing with sex crimes and criminals. The night went on smoothly.

Olivia was mid-sentence when she recognized another song. Only this time I recognized it too. She smiled amazingly and I laughed as we both said, "Que Sera Sera!" The Italian flavor filled the air as we laughed and sang.

"Dance with me," she asked, looking at me intently. I had a few glasses of wine, so I agreed. She grabbed my hand and took the lead on the little dance floor. Another couple jumped up laughing and joined us. Two women from the bar decided to add to the mixture as well.

Olivia guided me across the floor as I giggled childishly in her strong arms. The thoughts I had of wondering about myself vanished as she smiled at me and wove me through the people on the dance floor. I knew right then, she was all the man I'd ever need. She was perfect for me.

"When I grew up and fell in love, I asked my sweetheart, what lies ahead? Will we have rainbows, day after day? Here's what my sweetheart said!" She laughed in between breaths as she sang loudly to me. Her face dangerously close as we spun. Her arm wrapped around my waist, light on her feet… she was whisking me away. I had taken dance lessons for years. I could dance any dance there was, but Liv? She was a natural, like she was born to do it. With her leading me, I felt like the most professional dancer in the world.

"Que sera! Sera! Whatever will be will be!" We sang to each other as we moved. The couples around us seemed to be doing the same. But they vanished from me. Everything around us vanished as all I could hear was Olivia serenading me, laughing with me… holding me. Her body guiding me in circles, her essence guiding my heart. I moved with her and she dipped me jokingly as the final line was chanted by all.

"The future's not ours to see… que sera, sera." She sang softer now, more serious as she pulled me close and spoke into my ear. Our hands clasped tightly as our cheeks touched barely. I pulled back and looked at her. Her grin had faded and she was looking at me with such a want in her eyes. I wanted it too. The song had ended and the people around us and the other couples, clapped wildly at our dancing display. Olivia cracked a smile, turned to the people and bowed like a gentleman. I smiled and covered my mouth with my hand as she turned and bowed to me.

"Thank you! Thank you!" She laughed and her hand moved to the small of my back and led me back to the table. She picked up her jacket, placed a couple 20's in the bill folder and took me by the hand.

"Let's get out of here." She made my stomach knot. Suddenly I felt so small and fragile beside her. I let her lead me out of the bistro and into the rain. I had a feeling this wonderful night would change my life. And as Olivia turned to me, still smiling from the events inside, I knew Olivia had already changed my life, the minute she took me under her wing.


	13. Chapter 13

**Part Thirteen: Olivia**

I was out of breath from dancing and singing with Alex. Looking at Alex's face filled with happiness over took me. I guess neither of us really smile in front of each other. God, does she look beautiful tonight. I know she's tired, I know she's had a hard week, but damn, it doesn't matter right now. Nothing matters right now, except that we're right here in the middle of everything… together.

I pull us out of the bistro; the warmth leaving us at the door. The rain is falling hard and she's following my every step without even asking why. I stop when we are outside under the intense rainfall. She doesn't even look confused. She just looks at me as I turn to her. Our smiles still lingering loosely on our faces from our evening.

My hands find her waist and I pull her towards me. My pointer fingers touch the edge of her shirt, pushing it up slightly to reveal a sliver of warm skin. A hitch in her breath makes my heart swell. I'm just looking at her small smile. Her warm blue eyes are fluttering from the rainfall. I don't think past this point. My hands move up to her face and I pull her forward and capture her lips in a moment of pure emotion.

It's amazing; the way she tastes. Her hot skin pressed against mine in a kiss that means more than anything I could ever imagine. She pushes hard and my mouth fights back. She's fierce and bold. I taste traces of wine and mint chocolate as my tongue dances with hers. My breathing is heavy and our chests push and pull against each other in desperate attempts to breath faster and kiss harder. Suddenly I pull back. I need air. I need… I don't know. I can't think. Her breath is ragged as she pulls me into her embrace. I hear her ragged breath as her slick face slides over my cheek; both of us covered in cool rain.

"Oh, Olivia." She whispers sorrowfully, yet gratefully in my ear, "Thank you."

I just hold her tighter as she continues. The rain screaming at us in its loud presence. "This day… it was," she laughs with her last word, "awful." But she continues in all seriousness, leaning back to meet my gaze. "But this night… was amazing. You are… amazing. I don't know what I've done to deserve this. What I could ever do to deserve something as wonderful as you."

I realize I am holding my breath only when I let it out suddenly. My tears well up. Even with the rain, I think Alex can see it.

I had watched her for so long. The way she moved, the way she acted, the way she did everything. I knew what she sounded like when she coughed, or sneezed, or had a cold. I knew how she felt in the way she walked into the squad. I studied her with awe. I could never take my mind or my eyes off of her. Now she was here, saying words I dreamed of saying to her for a long time.

I laugh with a tear dropping from my eye, "I think I'm the one getting the better end of the deal here actually."

Alex smiled at me fully and I step back. I took her right hand and started to walk. She looks at me questionably as we walk the opposite direction of the car. I feel an energy in me I had never known. Hearing her words and seeing her here. The rain covers us and I tug on her arm and coax her to run with me.

"Where are we going?" She calls behind me. She slows and hops on one foot then the other as she tugs her shoes off her feet. She throws them on the sidewalk as we run, leaving them carelessly behind us.

"Trust me!" I called back laughing with her. I knew just the spot I wanted her to see. Thunder groaned in the sky and she shrieked inside her laughter making my heart race. We ran faster as the streets of New York met our escapade with shining bricks and shimmering asphalt. It was a beautiful sight. The signs of restaurants and stores glowing brightly to light our way. The sky seemed to open and rain harder sending chills right to my bones. I smiled so hard I was sure I would be stuck that way forever. Not that I would mind.

I pull her into a park I had loved as a teenager. I don't tell her this, but this was the neighborhood I grew up in. It was my territory and bringing her here meant so much to me.

We race past a wire fence that shields a swing set from outside intruders. We make our way down a poorly lit path until I see it.

I hold her hand tightly in mine as we ran up to the bridge over the river. It is small and fairytale like. The little wooden bridge held more memories than I can think of, but I knew this would quickly hold first place. The rain is pounding loudly on the wood and the water in the river splashes with delight.

"Ahhh!" I yell up to the sky in the need for release. I look back at Alex with a Cheshire cat grin. She laughs and mimicks me; yelling up to the sky with a smile.

"I can feel it!" She calls to me over the roar of sound.

I just smile at her and she pushes me up against the railing of the bridge and covers my mouth with hers. Her passion quickly taking over her as her hands wander over my body. All I can do is echo her movements happily. I follow her perfectly, just as she had done when I guided her over the dance floor.

We push and pull and move in perfect synchronization as the moment overtakes us. Our energy and bodies coming to life with each others longing touch. How did it take us so long to get to this place?

I pull my hands over Alex's face and moved the hair that had melted to her forehead. She pulls the collar of my shirt towards her, forcing us closer. Nothing could have come between us in that moment. Nothing else was real except for us. The rain was cold but we didn't notice. Our body temperatures were rising and the night was hurrying away from us.

I drag my hand from her face down to her neck and over her collarbones. My fingers grazing over her shoulder as she pulls out of a frantic kiss. She looks down, breathing hard, a look of lust, confusion and need crossing her face. I kiss her forehead and she smiles gratefully and falls against me; tucking her head in the crook of my neck.

Lightning cracked suddenly overhead and I felt Alex jump in my arms. She pulled away from me to turn and look at the sky.

"We should get out of here!" She calls desperately to me. I think she is scared of the storm so I pull her closer to me and wrap my arm around her shoulders.

"Liv?" She says questionably, "Can I come home with you?" She asks this as if she really just doesn't know the answer. When I just look at her she adds, "I need you tonight." She says that quieter and I almost don't even catch it but I'm watching her face so intently I don't miss a word.

"Of course! What'd you think? I woo you for nothin'!" I call back to her to make certain she hears my reassuring words. She does because she laughs at me before we both jump this time at another crack in the sky. Her worried eyes turn to me before we make a dash back to the bistro.


	14. Chapter 14

**Part Fourteen: Alex**

It's warm in the car and we both drop into our seats. Olivia turns to me and reaches her arms out to ruffle my hair. Water shakes from her fingers and her smile dazzles me. I never knew this woman could have so many sides. In fact, I never knew this woman would have a side I could fit inside. I feel so lucky sitting in this old cruiser.

The radio is on low, switched to calm jazz. I lean my head against the window and let my mind reel until I feel Olivia's hand over mine. I take it without hesitation. I look at her and she smiles, keeping her eyes on the road.

I feel like it's been days since I've been in this apartment, when really its been only hours. I walk in behind Olivia and she begins to peel off some of her drenched layers. I'm suddenly shy in the deafening quiet; no longer cloaked inside the roar of rainfall or the music and laughter of the bistro. I hear every swish of every piece of clothing she drops to the floor. Her coat, button down shirt, shoes and socks now littered across the threshold. All that's left on her body is a black tank top and her work pants. Her shirt is clinging to her like a second skin. God, she's so beautiful. I can't take my eyes off of her. I gaze up her muscled arm and my eyes settle on the nape of her neck. I want to walk up to her and kiss that spot. So what's stopping me? Nothing stopped me in the park.

"You want something?" She's facing me now, and I snap out of thought. "To wear, Alex?"

"Oh, uh, yeah." I smile at her lightly and follow her to her bedroom.

She's pulling out clothes and I feel like I can't look away, not even for a second, as if I would miss something. Some gesture or movement that could mean something. She hands me clothes and turns her back to me and sheds her wet, black tank top tossing a dry white one on the bed beside her. I watch as she unclasps her bra and I step forward and reach my hands up to hers and stop her. I don't know why but I just… I'm just mesmerized by her. She turns her head slightly over her left shoulder but doesn't move to turn. I step closer and a drop of water from my stringy hair drops onto her hot skin. I watch goose bumps rise at the feeling. I lower her hands down to her sides with my own. I then drag my fingertips slowly up over her forearms up to her shoulders and guide them back down, taking the silk, damp bra with me. She drops her head and lets out a long breath. After that, everything happened as if I'd done this a thousand times. But I haven't. Not with men anyway. I'm never soft and I'm never slow. Most of all, I'm never in it for them, I'm in it for me. Not tonight though; this is me wanting to know every inch of her. This is me needing to map her with my hands. Needing to know every curve, every dip, every muscle and every spot that makes her breath heavier. I just need to know.

I take one last step closer to her so my body is right up against hers. The feeling of the cool fabric from my body on her warm skin makes her gasp slightly. I put my hands on either side of her hips and smooth them over her toned stomach. As I push my palms into her flesh and up to her breasts she rolls her head back onto my shoulder. We say nothing. The only sound is the faint existence of the once raging storm outside, and her breathing. For the most part, I am still in control.

She rolls her head to the right and I lightly touch her neck with my lips. Forgetting the uncontrolled lust I felt on that bridge, I remember to slow down and explore every inch of this exotic woman in front of me. After all, I've waited for this for a long time. This looks like it's happening so fast but I saw it in her eyes at dinner, heard it in the sound of her voice in the rain; she's wanted this for a long time too. I never thought it would be possible to find someone perfect for me. The last thing I expected was for it to be a woman.

This… this is better than the flesh of a man. She's so soft under my hands; every part of her reacting to my touch, not because her body should, but because she's craving. The way women crave is so deep. The way I have craved her... it was more intricate than I have ever known.

I'm not kissing her fully. I'm dragging my lips down her neck and over her skin closing them at the end of her shoulder. She goes to turn to face me but I wrap my arms around her waist and stop her. God, the air is so thick with humidity… and need. I can smell the wet asphalt drifting on the light breeze that wafts through the window. I turn and tuck my nose behind her ear and breathe in deep the scent of her damp hair. I feel her shiver in my arms.

"Alex…" I stop her as my hand travels up over her breast to her lips. I press lightly with my fingertips.

"Shhhhh." She sighs deeply at the sound in her ear.

My hands graze her collarbones and move up her neck. The pain of the light touch must be killing her. I can feel her tensing and relaxing in my embrace. I kiss the back of her neck and let my hands leave her body. The loss of touch sends her spinning to face me. As my shirt falls from my hands, only then to I see we are face to face.

She walks towards me, placing one open hand on my abdomen. She guides quietly backwards until I feel the cool wall against my now bare skin. She stares me down before she presses her lips against mine. She's slow at first but she acts as though she can't control herself. She becomes frantic and she takes me with her. She tugs my bottom lip with her teeth and I open my mouth to allow her tongue entrance. She tastes sweet and warm. It seems to never end and every time I kiss her it's like the first time. It takes my breath away and eventually I pull back for air.

Her hands are on the wall on either side of my head and she looks at the floor almost panting. Her short, disheveled locks tumble forward. I bring my hands up and run my fingers through her hair. I let my nails drag over her scalp; she breathes harder and looks up. Our eyes catch and lock. Intensity passes between mocha and sky. I've never seen her more beautiful than in this moment of pure want. The way her sweat beads on her forehead, her swollen, full lips, the darkened color in her eyes; it's amazing. Even in the dark apartment, I can see all that I need too. The lights down on the street cast streaking shadows over her cheek bones.

She grabs me and picks me up. Instinctively I wrap my legs around her hips and she holds me against the wall. If I had any control before, it was now a lost cause in that one swift movement of hers.

My head hits the wall as she devours my skin with her wandering mouth. Down my neck, over my collar bone and back to my waiting lips. I tug her hair as delicately as you can in a moment like this. I want her face closer to mine. I want her body closer. I feel like I need nothing else in life to survive but this woman and her body. Her tongue dives in and our mouths row together, stroking in and out, a heavy exchange that neither of us will give up on.

My hips move into her almost automatically. I feel my skin begin to stick and re-stick to the wall as I push into her. She's so much stronger than I imagined. Her lips find my neck and my eyes watch the muscles in her arms pump up and down as she pushes me up against the wall again and again. Suddenly I feel a slight draft across the sweat on my back as she turns and carries me over to her bed. I smile at her, anticipating all that could follow. She smiles back, kisses my chin and drops me onto the bed. A laugh escapes me and I cover my mouth to stifle it but she takes my hand away and kisses my wrist. She leans in close and lets her tongue leave a hot trail up my neck to my earlobe.

"I love that sound. You're laughter… it's intoxicating." Her voice is husky, low and serious. The sound of it sends my senses in an uproar.

Her left hand starts at my knee and slowly pushes my skirt up as her hand moves higher over my thigh. Now I'm the one sighing heavy and wanting more. I turn my head to the side and close my eyes. I feel her right hand on my chin as she guides my face forward, forcing me to look at her. She smiles sweetly, the look on her face intensifying as I feel her fingers under my skirt touch the rim of my panties. A pointer finger lightly, and most torturing, grazes the fabric over the wettest part of me. A small smirk peeks out from her as my eyebrows rise. She kisses me hard and then proceeds to pull all remaining clothing from my body.

I reach out and grab for her but she slips out of my hands as she moves down my body leaving invisible marks of passion with her lips. I feel my skin burn in every place those lips have graced. She opens her hands and spreads her fingers and smoothes them over the skin on my pelvis. She stops her roaming and runs her thumbs over my protruding hip bones. She bends down and kisses each side. I almost feel like she's worshiping me. It turns me on even more. She glances at me before she goes down on me. I barely catch her eyes before I feel her lips on my skin. The heat, the friction, this evening… this woman. I come fast and hard, shaking violently… wonderfully. I expect her to stop but she doesn't. Her tongue rolls over my skin, dipping in and out of me; thrusting fast then slow.

When I think I can't bare the touch anymore she flattens her tongue over my clit, presses hard and sucks even harder. My body rips with orgasm and I gasp loudly, screaming her name in the same breath. Never have I felt a sensation like the one I just experienced with Olivia Benson. Nothing was simpler in this moment. I knew what I felt and what I needed and who I needed. Any doubt that kept me at arms length from this woman vanished in that release.

As I shook, she moved up and laid herself carefully over half of my body. The other half of her, spilling off of me, onto the bed. I imagine she didn't want to crush me under her weight, in my fragile state.

She dragged her nails lightly over my forehead and pushed all my matted hair off of my face.

"Olivia," I turned to her breathless. She looked at me simply as if I were going to ask her the time of day. "You were right…" Her eyebrows raised in question, "this morning you said when you kissed me last night… I liked it. You were right… I did. I do."

"I'm glad." Her toothy grin swept across her face as she rested her hand on my cheek. Her thumb moved back and forth over my cheek bone and I closed my eyes. My heart was full of emotion, full of chaos, full of this evening, full of Olivia.

A tear rolled down my cheek before I could stop it and Olivia's thumb caught it and her breathing hitched. "Alex, what's wrong?"

The truth was I was scared of tomorrow and that's what I did, planned ahead. Even in times of great triumph I was preparing for the worst, it's one of my greatest downfalls at times. I opted to be honest with her.

"I'm scared of what's going to happen tomorrow. When this freedom is gone in the daylight and I have to face what's really going on. I have so much to figure out." I could see a wave of fear flash across Olivia's face. She must've thought I was talking about her.

"I mean about the little life that's growing inside of me. What am I going to do?" Her face filled with relief and sympathy quickly followed.

"Well, I think you should worry about it tomorrow. Right now I think you should relax. Get some rest." She reassured inching closer, "I was afraid you were regretting… I mean…" She began to stumble over her words but I cupped her face with my hand gently and she stopped speaking to look at me.

"The only time I'll ever walk out that door again is if you are beside me." I told her sternly so she knew I meant business. She tried to hide her relief but it washed over her smile.

"I will always be beside you." She replied quietly.


	15. Chapter 15

**Part Fifteen: Olivia**

I woke up before she did, last nights thoughts reeling in my mind as I smiled and rolled over. I looked at her and she looked so peaceful, like nothing bad had ever happend to her in her whole life. I moved as slowly as I could as not to wake her.

The shower felt good against my tired body. Last nights adventures soring my muscles. When I got out, all I could hear were the pads of my feet sticking slightly to the hardwood as I walked into the bedroom. Alex was sprawled across my bed and I smiled to myself at the image. I turned my back to her to open the closet and as I shifted through the clothing I felt a tug on my towel and it dropped to the floor. Startled, yet impressed with her stealth, I turned to see a groggy Alex facing me. She leaned in and kissed me lightly on the lips and hugged me; holding my warm body up against her chilled skin.

"Good mornning," she smiled and I turned back to the closet, pulling out a button down shirt. "Don't wear that," she said simply.

"Well what should I wear?" I asked her and she smiled devilishly.

"I like what you have on now," she replied with innocence on her lips.

"Oh this ole thing?" I mocked a rich snot and she laughed.

"So what do detectives do on the weekend?" She frowned in thought, as if she really just had no idea.

"Well," I laughed as I wrapped my arms around her, swaying her lightly side to side, "when detectives have councelors on the weekend, they don't know WHAT to do with themselves!"

She laughed and reached for my dresser. "Well, we're not being restricted this weekend. No work wear! T-shirts and jeans." She ordered.

"I won't object councelor. We can do whatever you like today. Do you have anything in mind?" I looked at her waiting for an answer. She turned and gave me a once over making me feel shy for a moment.. but only a moment. She tossed clothes at my head.

"I want to do absolutly nothing," she buried her hands in my dresser, helping herself to the clothes that sat neatly inside as she continued, "which would really just be everything."

I laughed at her sillyness, "What are you talking about? I think I should make you some coffee to get your brain working correctly." I pulled the shirt over my bare skin and she closed the dresser.

"Well, since it's SO lovely outside... thought we might want to stay in." She looked out the window at the gloomy drizzle that sat outside. The grey sky cranky with low moans of thunder and a cool draft slipping in through the cracked window.

"I guess you're right. I'm going to make breakfast, towels are in the cabinet over the toilet. Help yourself." She smiled and thanked me and bounced towards the bathroom. I laughed to myself, never seeing Alex so happy. I was sure it wouldn't last though. She had a lot to think about and if I knew her, she would think about it sooner rather than later.

I cooked us bacon and eggs, trying my best to impress her with my style of cooking. Ultimatly she liked it, cleaning her plate and downing her coffee. She gave a look of satisfaction, thanked me for breakfast and wandered into the living room. I watched as her small frame bent over my dvd collection, head to toe in my clothing. She wore my white draw string pants and my chocolate brown T-shirt. The shirt forming over her body as if it must have shrunk in the wash. I wore my army green t-shirt, fitting me snug and opted to pass on the jeans and stick with my grey flaired sweats. If we weren't going anywhere, I'd rather be comfortable.

She pulled out a few movies and set them on the table. I cleared the table and moved sluggishly into the room where she turned and held up 'City Of Angels'.

"I love this movie, want to watch it?" She asked me simply but as I looked at her, she seemed like such a different person. No suits, no facade, no edge. She was asking permission, she was asking my opinion, she had no reason to be hard at all and I just wasn't used to this side of her. I didnt think it could even exist. Her eyes widened, waiting expectantly for an answer.

"Yeah. It's my favorite. I didn't think you would like a movie like that," I laughed at my own assumptions.

"I do like chick flicks you know," she smiled as she put it in the player, "I'm not all blood, guts and gore."

I pulled a blanket out of the closet and stretched out on the couch. The screen came on and she turned and made her way over to me. I opened my arm, lifting the blanket with it and she lay on top of me. I wrapped her up and we began the lazy weekend ahead.


	16. Chapter 16

**Part Sixteen: Alex**

I should be happier right now. I know deep down, that I should be more than grateful to be sharing a couch with Olivia. But… I'm not. It's not her at all. It's all these questions floating carelessly around in my head. What the fuck am I going to do?

As if she could hear my train of thought, I felt her hands pull tighter around me.

"You're not watching this are you?" She wasn't disappointed that I wasn't watching the movie; she was upset because she knew I was inside myself.

"No," I answered her quietly. I decided in that instance that talking about it might do me some good. I turned my head and shifted my body to face her. My chin rested momentarily on her sternum and she smiled reassuringly at me. The warmth of our lazy bodies toasting my skin, making me really just want to curl up and nap. "I'm scared."

"I know." Olivia's face grew concerned. She wanted to defend me to the unsettlement inside but there was no physical way to do so.

"What happened to me Olivia? Where did this come from?" I didn't know what else to say.

"I don't know, but we can try to find out, if that's what you want." She drew her fingers slowly over my forehead and moved my hair. She treated me so fragile.

"I have a feeling you're going to dig up some nightmares."

A couple weeks has passed since I've been "seeing" Olivia. I guess that's what you'd call it anyway. We never really call it anything; except a good time, ha. But really, I love spending what little time I have, with her. Now that I'm back to work and she's off the desk there is little time for socializing. Well… unless you count the encounters in the women's locker room, or the bathroom, or the crib after hours. Okay, so we get some time in. She comes down to my office for lunch almost every day but I still can't get enough of her. My only fear is that someone might suspect something. I know what a taboo it is to date in the office. And a woman? Oh God, that would just go over great.

"Hey, lady." She comes through my office door and smiles at me and what was I thinking not a moment ago? Oh yes, the drama that our relationship would cause in public. Well, how can any of that matters when she smiles at me like that? Oh, she's flawless.

"To what do I owe this unexpected morning visit?" I ask lifting my left brow and giving her a wry smile.

"I wish it was pleasure sweetheart but it's business." My smile fades. I wonder if she's come to talk about the results of my blood work. I notice the package from the Medical Examiners office in her hand. Absent mindedly I lay my hand over my stomach. She walks up to me and takes it away.

"What is it Liv?" I almost don't want to know.

"Warner didn't find anything useful. Only that, if you have this baby, it will be healthy. Your tox-screen is clear."

"Well I suppose that's good news."

"How have you been feeling?" Olivia's voice was gentle and concerned.

"Besides being drowned in paperwork and not having enough hours in the day I suppose I'm doing the same as always." She only offered a sideways smile to that. "But you're here. You've done so much for me Liv, I wish I could do something for you."

She laughed, "Honey, you have no idea. You help me everyday. But let's not make this a mushy visit, I have to get back down to the precinct to deal with a guy we just collared for four date rapes."

"Sounds like a good time." I roll my eyes.

"Always." She looks at me and kisses me goodbye before dropping Warner's file on my desk.

I'm almost nine weeks along and I think I see a bump but I could just be imagining it. Or it could be all those Italian dinners Olivia keeps taking me out to. Not that I mind, the food is great and the desert is even better, ha ha.

Anyway, I should be doing work. I have so much to be filing. It's easy to get lost in this stuff. For me anyhow. It isn't until my phone rings four hours later that my mind is brought back to Olivia. Her voice is calm on the other end of the phone but it's an unsettling calm. Like a storm is about to hit and the silence is eerie and cold. She always sounds this way after interrogating a suspect for more than two hours. Now they need me down there to either crack a deal or get some information. I tell her I'll see her soon and her voice lifts at that. I hang up and pull my paperwork together in a hurry. I toss it in my briefcase and head for the door.


	17. Chapter 17

**Part Seventeen: Olivia**

While I'd love any excuse to see Alex walk through that door, doing it after interrogation always makes me irritated and hot headed. It always makes me worry that something uncalled for will fly out of my mouth. Much like it used to in the past. I need her too much these days to piss her off. And since when did I become so dependent on another person? I swear, this women is helping to breakdown all that I've spent years building up. Ah, speak of the devil.

"What do you need from me Detective?" A slight smile creeps across her face that only I catch and only I know what is meant by it. I give her the rundown on the suspect and the evidence set against him.

"We have one witness. The rest of the women claim to remember nothing." I tell her.

"Who's your witness? Is she here?"

"Her name is Jillian Steele. She lives on the Upper East Side. We were going to wait to see what you could do with him first. He's asking for a deal already. He's got to know that Jillian saw him. Why else would he throw the deal card in so early? Either way Alex, careful with this one, he's a cocky bastard." She rolls her eyes and gives and un-amused laugh.

We head over to interrogation and she doesn't stop in front of the two way glass. I figured she just wanted to dive in, or she was preoccupied. Usually she takes in the suspect before waltzing in. Alex always has a game plan. Maybe this is just a different one. However, as I enter the room I hear a tiny gasp behind me. Almost completely inaudible, she stifles it fast. When I turn to face the suspect I notice she's still standing in the door frame.

"Well, Alexandra! My, I haven't seen you in ages!" The man at the table looked Alex up and down, infuriating me. I step between her and his eyes and stare him down.

"Ms. Cabot is our A.D.A. She will also be dealing with your case." I say sternly.

"Well then I'm sure to win then? Alex, you remember me don't you?" He looks at her and she walks in next to me and sits. He goes on giving his attention to me, "we were old friends you know."

"I'd hardly call us old friends Dominic. We went out for a drink once." Her voice was level. Alex had an uncanny way of hiding all or any emotion.

I can feel my heart beating fast as I notice the way Dominic's eyes travel over what parts of Alex he can see. How does he know her? Was he one of the men she partied with? Was this the man that got her pregnant? All my wondering distracted me from the scene in front of me. A second later Dominic laughed. I turned my head to see Alex's arms crossed against her chest.

"Give me one good reason why I should give you any kind of deal when we have a witness who is ready and willing to testify?" Her eyes pierced him but he wasn't intimidated by her glare, I knew there had to be something else.

"You don't look too nervous Mr. Clark, and I think you should be." I turn his attention to me, "There something you want to share with us?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact I do. I think you should give me a deal because I have some information you might want."

"Heh, well you're going to have to do better than that. You tell us what you know and we decide if it's relevant." I say rolling my eyes. Does he think he's the only one who ever threw that card on the table?

He looks at Alex for minute and she raises her eye brow as if to challenge him. She lives for this kind of thing. Getting them to beg for a deal when they are smiling, thinking they have it all figured out.

"I had a partner." He smiles sideways at her. He knows she'll need to know who that partner is. She needs to know if and who the other victims are.

"Give me his name, the names of both your victims and then we'll talk deals." Alex doesn't flinch. She remains still, holding her ground; she owns the room.

"Oh Alex, now that doesn't seem very fair." He says in a sadistic playful manor.

"Quite frankly Dom, I really don't give a Goddamn what you think. Even if I don't have those names, the victims get justice if you have a date with the needle." She never looks away from him.

"Really? Where's the justice if my buddy is out there doing my work? You got nothin' on him honey. Without me, he's going to keep doing what he does and there will be nothing you can do about it."

Cregan knocks on the glass and calls us out of the room. I shut the door behind me and Alex lets out a sigh.

"I just got here. Elliot says you and perp have history? Alex, I can't let you handle this case. And this nonsense about a partner and other victims… Do we think he's bluffing?"

"Captain, I wouldn't even really call it history. He bought me a drink a month or so back. That's all. He's obviously scum, which is why I've never spoken to him again until this afternoon. I have no problem handling the case." She straightened up as the words came from her.

"I'll trust you on this one Alex but if he tries to start anything with you, let me know."

"Yes sir."

"What do we know about his partner?" Cregan looks to me.

"Exactly what he said… we got nothin' Captain." I say regretfully, glancing at Alex. "Should we make a deal? If there are more victims out there, the only way we can help them is to find this other man."

"Yeah? And what if this guy's lying?" Cregan questions, looking at both of us.

"I don't think he's bluffing Captain. He's way to sure of himself—" I begin, but Wong cuts in.

"She's right. He knows his only ticket out of here is his partner. I'm almost sure there is one. He's not even breaking a sweat in there. He obviously knows how the system works. He knows you guys will need that information. Unfortunately he's right. We need to know so we can get them both off the streets."

"So this scum gets ten to fifteen for murder and rape if he hands over his partner? In ten years I'm sure he will have no problem attacking again. Where's the justice in that?" Alex asserted.

"I'm sure there's a way to get them both Alex. We have a witness on him but you need to get the name of this other guy." Elliot added casually.

Cregan motioned towards the door, sending both Alex and I back in. Ultimately, Dominic only gave up his partner's name. He was holding back the victim list for later, I'm sure. He wrote a name and an address on the notepad and slid it over to the table to me.

Gary Montgomery. 30 W 60th St. New York, NY 10023-7902.

"We'll have you moved to a lower security facility as soon as this information is thoroughly checked out." Alex explained, emotionless.

"You do know it's not my fault if he runs right? I mean, it's not a secret down here. Eventually he'll get paranoid and book out of this city," Dominic added. Alex looked at me and we stood in unison.

Cregan looked at Alex when she left the room, "We're doing the right thing Alex, you'll see."

She paused briefly to listen to his words, only out of respect. Seconds later she was out the door and out of sight. We are going to have to talk about this later.


	18. Chapter 18

**Part Eighteen: Alex**

Sitting alone in my apartment, I'm stuck with the stresses of the day; my misadventures reeling in my head. It was weird. I didn't think I'd get as upset as I did. I'm just so confused. Dominic is one of the men I took home with me for kicks after a case went array. Seeing him now is the last thing I want. I'm trying to figure so many things out; one of them being if I really want a relationship with a woman. The idea weighs heavy on my mind daily.

I care for Olivia but it feels like my mind is on autopilot. It's like I don't know my own thoughts. Do I really like Olivia like that? What am I saying? I slept with her… It's a little late for the 'I don't know's'. Still, I don't know what's going on in my mind. Everything's just happening so fast. I wish I could explain it. It's too good to be true, right? What if I really do belong with men like Dominic? Ugh, I cringe at the thought. I never dreamed I'd be making a decision like this.

The phone rings and Olivia's low tone hums on the other end; I'm relieved to hear it.

"You doin' alright?" She asks, waiting for an excuse for my actions today.

"I'm better but," I guess I don't want her to hear it from me, although she knows what I'm about to say. I don't want to talk about my little fit.

"But not best," she finishes my sentence and continues on, "What's got you so on edge about this one Alex? This isn't normal stress. I know there's something else."

"I have a heavy work load lately. I don't know, sometimes I just get easily upset. I'm sorry about what happened today." I'm trying so hard to deflect this conversation.

"Come on Alex… Talk to me." Her voice is quiet and softened my resolve.

"Well," I am fidgeting and glad she isn't here to see it. "I was just thinking about everything that's happened over the last couple of weeks." I pause, the words are becoming harder and harder to form. I don't want to hurt her but I am also afraid of making the wrong decision, whatever that decision may be. My whole life is full of big ones, you'd think I'd have gotten this down to an art by now, but I haven't.

"And?" She's patiently waiting. What do I say?

"I'm overwhelmed Olivia," I blurt it out, unable to stop myself.

"With me?" A twinge of hurt already present in her voice.

"Yes and no." Cue my nervous and frustrated rambling. "I'm pregnant with a child because I was irresponsible and couldn't handle my stress… or my liquor for that matter. I don't know who the father is. I've been seeing a WOMAN for the past month. I should be happier, so why aren't I?"

I'm starting to freak out. I slow my breathing and try to control myself a little bit. Olivia is silent. What could she say to that right away anyway?

"Well, the truth is, I'm scared." I confess, "I'm afraid of where my decisions will land me. Look where they've gotten me so far." The words sound cold, even to me. I didn't mean for them to. "I don't want to hurt you Olivia. I think I just need to be alone for a while."

Did she hang up? All that's left is the dead air between our ears. She's trying to hide it, but I hear the sorrow in her voice as she starts to speak.

"I'd give you anything Alex… even space." I sigh at her words.

"Thank you for under-" She cuts me off before I can finish.

"Let me know if you need anything. You know I'm here for you."

-click-

The dial tone sings its unattractive pitch in my ear as the line goes dead. My sweaty hands loosen their nervous grip from the phone and I place it slowly on the receiver. Am I doing the right thing here? I suddenly feel a tremendous loss as my hand slips away from the phone. I am so alone… and I did it to myself.


	19. Chapter 19

**Part Nineteen: Olivia**

I didn't see it coming. Everything seemed to be going great. What happened? My apartment is dark and I walk over to the window to look over the city lights. I'll never get to sleep tonight.

Elliot arrives early to work today. Most days he's late. Not that I care, there's always enough paperwork to be catching up on. Maybe that's why he's here.

"Morning sunshine. What are you doin' here on time?" I smile at him even though I'm exhausted and upset with the Alex situation. The look on his face tells me, he might just know what that feels.

"Kathy and I are starting the whole 'why-can't-you-get-a-new-job' argument early this month." He drops his coat and I can't help but notice the dark circles under his eyes as he looks up at me and notices the same, "You look like shit."

"Thanks, I feel it."

"What's going on with you?" I don't know if I want to tell him. I contemplate the thought. He looks up from shuffling papers to meet my eyes, "Olivia?"

"It's Alex." I avert my eyes, suddenly self conscious at the mention of her name. He'd get it out of me sooner or later. Why drag it out?

"And?"

"And, she said she needed some time alone. She's stressed and with everything going on, I don't blame her." But I do. Part of me is mad.

"You alright?" I can see the concern growing through his features.

Yeah El, I'm fine." His glare challenges me, "Really."

He goes to open his mouth but I'm saved as Cregan opens his door and calls Elliot's name. He turns around to face the captain.

"You're missing a D.D.5. I only count four on my desk. Where is the fifth one?"

I can see Elliot silently curse himself for forgetting. "I'll get right on it Cap!" Elliot's attention quickly switches to the typewriter on his left.

"Benson! I need you to go through the books and files we picked up yesterday from Dominic's apartment. Forensics is done with them and they're all yours. We took every book in the house just to be safe so you're going to be busy today. Our witness testimony will only get us so far. Let's make a nice solid case for Cabot, shall we? It just doesn't settle with me that this guy got a deal. Let's see if we can find something else to add to the charge and get that deal revoked." I nod and start to pile the boxes next to my desk to start my day of reading.

"Munch, how are we on finding the partner?" Cregan turns his attention to Munch and his blank stare.

"Not one bank transaction. No charges popping up and no out going calls in the last month. It's like this guy vanished." Munch tosses his pen on the desk and Fin looks up.

"Maybe he's dead." Cregan looks at Fin and huffs.

"Let's hope not. Now get busy people." Cregan retreats to his office and I open my first box. Dominic's taxes, bank statements, and unpaid bills. Fun.


	20. Chapter 20

**Part Twenty: Alex**

I wake up feeling nauseous and angry. I haven't been able to sleep and my appetite is basically nonexistent. The schedule that is my life has been completely thrown off track. I can't live without routine. I can't live without… Well I don't want to think about it. I take one look at the muffin in front of me and toss it in the trash before heading out the door and hailing a cab. I'm a grown woman, I can handle myself. I think if I just bury myself in work, I'll be okay. As long as I don't get caught up thinking about her. As long as I don't drown myself in these riddles that aren't going to answer themselves.

Look at this desk. One look at it sends my nerves flaring. It's the same feeling I felt when I looked at that muffin an hour ago. Files everywhere. I'm so behind in everything. I can feel the control slowly slipping from my grasp. I feel irresponsible and I'd love nothing more than to call up Olivia and tell her to come here right now and take me away from everything. I need to escape too sometimes. Gosh… I don't know what's wrong with me.

Before long I realize Liz is standing in my door frame with a perplexed look on her face. "Alexandra, can we talk for a moment?" Oh God, this can't be good at all.

She's shutting the door and that anxiety in my stomach feels like a volcano, seconds away from erupting. She takes a seat on the ugly couch in the corner and asks me to come sit with her.

"Alex," she seems almost nervous. This can't be about work. "I've noticed lately that you haven't quite been on track with everything." Shit.

"Liz, I'm sorry I-" She puts up her hand and stops me.

"I'm not here as your boss looking for excuses to make myself feel better. I'm here as your friend who has noticed a problem. Now, it's none of my business and I understand if you don't want to talk about it. However if you do, I'd be more than willing to listen." I hesitate as she waits for me to choose an option. I want to tell her. I don't want to tell her. I want to hold myself together and tell myself that I'm strong. Even if I don't feel strong, if other people see me that way, it makes me feel better. On the other hand, my 'things gone wrong' list is growing by the minute.

"You're right. I'm not myself. There's a lot going on right now." It's all I can manage to leak out.

"If you need help with your case load we have that new intern taking care of a lot of Johnson's paperwork and I can assign her some of the big stuff." How useless does this make me feel? The debate in my mind makes me want to throw myself out the window. I'm as stubborn as a mule. As stubborn as Olivia… Oh I can't let my mind drift now. Anyway, these are my cases and how pathetic would it look if I couldn't take them all on?

"You're not a machine Alex." Wow, that's odd. What is she, reading my mind? "I don't expect you to be. You're only human."

"Only sometimes." I laugh sarcastically because sometimes I really do feel more machine that human. I never realized how detached I am from the world I live in until Olivia came along and started to make me feel really alive. The revelation actually brings me close to tears but I'm good at holding it back.

"As much as I hate the idea of someone else even glancing at my cases, it's a very tempting offer Liz." I hate to admit it out loud. It's like waving a sandwich in front of a starving child.

"Alex, you are a great attorney… but what use to me are you when you are run down. I need your energy and your fire. You're no good going in for the kill in this state. If I offend, I don't mean to." I can see the concern in her expression and I bend a little.

"No not at all. You're right, this is silly. I'll take a few days. If anything I could use the sleep." She cracks a half smile, probably pleased at herself for budging the unmovable Alex Cabot.

"Don't worry about anything. Take a long weekend and I'll see you Monday." She walks out and I try to make myself a list of what Ellie Johnson will need while I'm gone.

Five o'clock rolls around and I don't feel like I've gotten anything accomplished except resisting the urge to call Olivia about three times. I wish I could understand all this. I wish I could talk to her about it and have her be objective. I wish I didn't spend most of the day thinking about her. Or do I? I let my mind wander to thoughts of her bronze skin and don't push them away. I imagine her square fingertips smoothing over my shoulders and relaxing every bone in my body. I'd give anything for that right now.

I need to be alone to really sort things out though, right? Isn't that how it's done? I don't know how to handle emotions like this. I've never had to. My mother always taught me that appearance is what keeps your pride intact. If you let yourself get attached, you'll be weak, and people will easily defeat you. It's, no doubt, a lesson she learned when she fell in love with my father and he ended up walking out on her. Even though I see where she's coming from and part of me knows it's silly to be detached from people, I still find that it's really a safe way to live. I've been doing fine so far. There hasn't been anything I couldn't handle. I can handle this alone. I feel so weak for succumbing to this need for comfort. Comfort never made anyone strong.

I'm starring at the calendar on my desk with my thoughts raging, trying to find excuses as to why I am the way I am when I notice a tall figure in the door way.

"Can I come in?" Olivia's disheveled look makes my heart skip and I nod.


	21. Chapter 21

**Part Twenty One: Olivia**

I've walked into Alex's office over a thousand times and not once has she ever been sitting, staring into space. I tried to stay away but time apart, relationship wise, doesn't mean I can't ever talk to her again, right? It's killing me inside, knowing she's bogged down with everything. I can't just sit around and do nothing. I want to help her. I want to let her know I'm here for her.

I linger in the doorway for a moment. She doesn't notice me. The setting sun is blazing, casting bright orange lines through the blinds and across her face. The light pours over her skin and the shadows on her cheek bones leave me breathless. She is so beautiful.

I shouldn't have come… but I can't stay away. She looks up and she notice's me leaning on her door frame. Her face becomes flushed as she realizes it's me.

"Olivia?" My name leaves her lips quietly.

"Hey," I take a small step into the sunset lit office, "do you mind if I come in?"

"Sure, have a seat." She won't look at me. I can see the questions tearing at her. I knew coming here would do that. Maybe I'm just selfish… or weak. She doesn't know if she wants me to sit there or not but I decide for her. I drag the chair over to the corner of her desk and rest my right elbow on it as I turn my undivided attention to her body language.

"Are you angry with me?" She asks as though I am her mother and she's been caught disobeying me.

"Of course not," I sigh. I need to be honest with her. "I was at first but I wasn't thinking. I was being selfish. I think I'm being selfish now." I look to the window, unable to meet her confused look.

"Now?"

"I know you wanted to be alone; you asked me for that. But, here I am."

She parts her lips to speak but I speak fast in hopes of defending myself, "but I'm only here because I wanted to see if you were okay." She closes her mouth and looks into my eyes. Any other time, this would be awkward, but not now. I search her face, pleading silently to let me in.

"Alex, Liz called me." Nothing; she doesn't even flinch even though I know how much this must enrage her.

"I'm taking a few days off. That should satisfy everyone." She stands and I immediately regret mentioning Liz. I stand with her, step forward and touch her arm but she gently pulls away. "I should get going. I'm fine Olivia," her confidence returns as she meets my eyes, "but thanks for coming by, really." She offers a half smile and I pull the chair back in front of the desk. I look at her for a moment. I want to say something but nothing comes; nothing but the shrill sound of my cell phone cracking the silence in the room, like a siren.

"Benson," Cregan really needs me back at the station. I have too much work to go through to neglect it now.

"I got to get back, if you need anything, I'll be buried in paper work."

She smiles and I leave, feeling I'm close to wearing out my welcome, if I haven't all ready.

"Benson, my office!" Oh shit, Cregan looks like he's going to blow a gas get.

"What is it Cap?" I pretty sure I know. He motions for me to sit and I do, I know I'm trouble.

"Listen, I know you're worried about Cabot but I can't have you running off like that. In case you forgot, you're on desk duty and I'm responsible for your whereabouts."

"Captain, I know."

"I don't want to hear it. Cabot's a big girl, she can take care of herself." I want to argue but I don't. The committee has been on his ass lately and he's been on edge. I shouldn't have pushed the line. I could mention that Liz called but I don't think it will do me any good. I'm just going to nod and walk out of here and plow through my paperwork. I have so many boxes to go through.

"Hey Liv, how's it goin'?" Elliot walks in out of breath and he looks wiped out.

"Goin' slow, is what's goin'" I answer truthfully and tired. "I've gotten through four out of the seven boxes and I got nothin'." I sigh heavily and rub my head. I'm beat but I feel bad about this afternoon so I'm going to stay until I finish looking through these.

"I'm heading home, Cathy called twice already. I'm in for it tonight." He rolls his eyes. I envy him and feel bad for him at the same time.

"Say hi to the couch for me." I laugh at him and it momentarily lifts my spirits.

"Ha. Ha. Very funny," he pulls his jacket on and smiles wearily at me, "good night Liv, don't stay here to late."

"You know me, I'll be alright."

"You're right, I do know you." I love him. He's such a great friend. I watch him leave and decide it's time for my third cup of coffee.

The precinct filters out; Cregan and Munch bickering over something stupid, I'm sure. I retreat back to my desk, happy to have the silence.

Time passes and the hours seem to drag. I haven't moved since Cregan and Munch left two hours ago. I check the clock, 7:38 p.m. I'm only half way through box six, ugh. Well that's a colorful book. Get Out Of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior by Mark Goulston and Philip Goldberg. Ha. These books are such crap. I flip through the pages and the back page has a note written.

Dearest Dom,

I know what it's like. I'm always here for you. Be strong.

Love Always,

Hallie

"I know what it's like? What's that supposed to mean?" I'm about to close the book when I notice a bump under the binding. A key? How did forensics miss this? I'll need gloves for this one.

I open my draw and pull out a box cutter and carefully slice out the page to reveal some kind of locker key or something. That's going in an evidence bag. I wonder if this Hallie girl put this in here? Did Dominic even know it was in there?

I set the book and the key aside to dig deeper in the box. I hope I hit the jackpot here. There are about five greeting cards, all from Hallie. I rummage through the last name, praying I'll find a last name. Romance novels, letters from his mother, old recipes… okay I'm getting no where here. I see a stack of letters with a rubber band around them and I grab them. I shuffle through them, scanning the addresses until I find it. YES!

Hallie Sullivan is in Goshen, NY? Oh man, I so do not want to go on a road trip right now. That's almost in Connecticut. I check my watch, 8:10 p.m. I wonder if Alex would go with me. No, I need to leave her alone for more than two hours before I make her crazy. How about I just look Hallie up here?

A match? Shit, Hallie's in prison? Now why would Dominic be this involved with a woman in prison? It's not his wife, I know that much. It can't be his partner if she's been in jail for 18 months.

I pick up the letter from Hallie and open it. I read through it slowly, taking in each word. They were defiantly intimate, that's no secret. What's this?

Now that I won't be seeing you for awhile I want you to be strong. I know how hard it is but if you keep it up, you'll end up in Rikers. I'll never see you again. Do you really want that? Don't be stupid Dom, I love you too much. Write it all down, then burn the pages. It will make you feel better, I promise. I can get out of here sooner rather than later if I just shut my mouth and behave. We'll be able to see each other on the same side of the glass. Until then, all my love, Hallie.

What is Hallie in for? I check the computer again. "Aggravated and sexual assault? You have to be kidding me!" I say it aloud to no one and shake my head. Okay what can I do with this information? Hallie tells Dom to write about something bad he thinks about, maybe? There's a key in this book. Where does this key go?

I open the book up again. I read Hallie's message again then I flip through the pages. Ah ha! A side note in pencil is near the binding in the middle of the book. I'm sure it's a man's handwriting. Looks like the dumb bastard actually read the book. Another address? I plug it in the computer and get a hit.

Gleason's Gym

83 Front St Ste 2, Brooklyn, NY

Now that's a lot closer. This one I'll check out. If he has a membership, he has a locker. If he has a locker there, no one would think to look there. I can handle this one by myself. I grab my coat and head out.


	22. Chapter 22

**Part Twenty Two: Alex**

It feels so good to be home early on a Wednesday. I feel like ordering out. God knows I can't cook for the life of me and I'm not going to start trying now.

I call out for Chinese and kick off my shoes. I'm so tired lately. I change into sweats. I find myself on the computer emailing old friends and updating them on my hectic life.

I'm so happy to have broccoli and chicken. It smells amazing. I grab the fortune cookie and pop it open.

"There is no security on this earth. There is only opportunity." I'm being so stupid. It's true, there isn't security. That's a myth and of all people, I should know that. I guess I'm just afraid to fall in love. I never really believed in it before. I put the slip of paper on my computer desk and mindlessly search the web. I think of Olivia and how she cares so much about me. I imagine her smile and I smile too. Why would I damage this connection we have? Because that's what I'm doing, damaging it by pushing her away. I need to pull myself together and if I can't, I need to tell her.

"I need you so much." I only wish she were here to hear those words from me. I think of her silhouette in my door frame this afternoon and sigh. I have such a great thing here. I need to tell her, right now. I pick up the phone and dial her apartment. It's close to 9 p.m. No answer.

"Oh Olivia, where are you?" I say to the phone as I dial the station house. I wouldn't be surprised if she was still there. Nine is still early for her. No answer there either, I hang up as the voicemail switches on. If I can't talk to her, I can't listen to her voice on that voicemail.

I fidget for a while. Where would she go? I feel helpless because I can't even guess. I pace for a while and make a cup of tea. I start to feel nauseous. It's become a daily thing now. I make my way back to the computer. I figure it probably will do me some good if I look at pregnancy information. I don't know many people will kids. I'm an aunt but my sister lives in California so that's of no help. However, I would like to know what's going on with my body.

I find articles on stress and how it can cause birth defects if you don't handle yourself well. That's scary. The basis of my life is stress. Whose isn't? Seriously though, am I ready for this? Can I handle being a mother? Would I even be a good one? My insecurities peak their evil little heads out from hiding as I think of myself raising a child. What an awkward picture; me in a nursery instead of a courtroom.

I wander away from the computer. I don't want to read anymore about that tonight. I look at my briefcase. Should I? I'm supposed to relax but I literally don't know what to do with myself. I eat, sleep and breathe court. I cheat and open it up and pull out some files.

I spread the files out on the floor like I would any other night. My yellow note pad resting on my legs; I love a good riddle. I can't help but glance at the clock every once in a while though. I want to talk to Olivia more than anything.

11:30 p.m. I call her apartment and she isn't home. I call the station and someone picks up.

"Odafin Tutuola, special victims unit." My hopes crash as Fin's voice comes through the receiver.

"Fin, it's Alex. I'm looking for Olivia."

"Oh hey Alex, she's not here. Her stuff is still here though. I think she went to go check something out. I'm on my way out now. I was down at Meloni's with Cregan and Munch, and I came here after to catch up on some stuff. I've been here for like an hour and Liv hasn't been here. Wherever she went, she'll probably be back soon, it's getting late. Do you want me to leave her a message for you? I'll put it on her desk."

"Yeah sure, just let her know I was looking for her. Thanks."

"No problem, have a good one."

I hang up defeated. It's not everyday I feel like admitting I was wrong and it's certainly not a characteristic of mine to tell someone I need them. But that's the problem with me isn't it? All I do I try to live up to these standards I made for myself. I really need to stop doing that.

I would wait up for Olivia to call but I have no idea what she's doing and I'm suddenly hit with a wave of exhaustion. I'll just watch T.V. in my bedroom and see how long I last. Lovely, I turn on the set and COPS is on. Why do they always run? They always do it and then they say they are innocent. Sometimes I just want to smack people.

"Where am I? Olivia, is that you? What's going on? It's really dark out here. We should go inside."

"Alex you need to hide. You need to run away… Go before he sees you!"

"What are you talking about? Who?"

--((BANG!))--

"OLIVIA!"

I jolt awake. Holy shit… it was a dream. I sit up and I'm sweating. That was so scary. Dreaming about Olivia being shot and me watching freaked me out. I'm distraught and I start crying. I don't even know why I'm letting it affect me like it is.

"It was a just a dream. Olivia is fine. It was just a dream." I look at the clock, 1:08 a.m. No calls, no voicemail. I need a glass of water.

I get as far as the door to my bedroom when I hear something. I walk towards the kitchen, my hand dragging along the wall in the dark. I walk right into a person and their arms reach out to me. My blood drains and I just start screaming. They are holding me and trying to speak but I'm frantic. My heart is beating so fast I'm sure it will burst. I hear my name. I need to shut the fuck up. I hear my name… I hear… Olivia.

"Alex! Alex! It's okay, it's me! It's Olivia! Alex!" I freeze. I go from screaming to crying in seconds. I bend over and she bends with me.

"Oh my god… I'm sorry…" I'm crying through my speech. The nightmare I had, had set me off to begin with. Her scaring the shit out of me wasn't helping at all.

"Honey, are you okay? Are you okay? Hey, hey. I'm here, okay? You're okay." She's feeling my face in the dark as we sit on the floor in my hall. I grab her and let myself go. I break. I feel it happen and there's nothing I could do about it, even if I wanted to. At this point I'm beyond caring.

She holds me tight against her, like she's trying to soak up the pain I have and take it away from me. She holds my head with her left hand and strokes my head. I just cry. I tell her I'm sorry over and over again. She tells me it's okay. She tells me not to worry. She's rocking my body and I can't stop trembling. I'm so depressed and so angry at the same time. All I know is that I need her here right now, and she's here.

"Take a deep breath Alex. It's okay, just breathe for me." I try but each breath is hitched.

"I called you earlier." I manage to tell her.

"Why didn't you call my cell if you needed me? You know I'd be here in a heartbeat." She doesn't understand fully why I'm falling apart. I can tell just by the tone of her voice. The way it shakes in places as she speaks.

"I wanted to talk to you but it wasn't any emergency. I knew you were working. I didn't want to bother you. I left a message with Fin."

"I know. That's why I'm here. I just finished up over there… What's got you so upset? You know, besides the usual shit." I half laugh.

"I had a nightmare you were shot. I watched you die in front of me. You died trying to save me."

"Did it work? Did I save you?" She would ask that.

"Um, I think you did." I wipe my nose on my sleeve, "I'm a little old for nightmares, don't you think?"

"I'm glad I saved you and no you are not too old for nightmares. I get them all the time. After the shit I see on crime scenes. Do you really think I sleep easy?" She speaks softly as she reassures me of the safety I have in her. "Let's go back to bed okay? I just came over to see if you needed anything, but I'll stay the night, okay?"

"Okay." She pulls me up off the floor and hugs me with her whole body.

"You're safe here." She kisses the corner of my eyebrow and leads me back to the bedroom with her arm on my waist.

She's thinking hard about something. I see it in her eyes as the moon filters into the room and over her face. She's not going to sleep tonight. I don't ask because part of me is afraid to. I know that look. I know it all too well.

I tighten my grip on her waist and she turns her gaze away from the ceiling to look down at me. She's right though, I am safe. I'm safe in her arms and glad I welcomed them back.

She pulls me close to her, as though I am her doll and someone's trying to steal me away from her. I feel the tension in her body. It worries me but I try to push it away. I feel exhaustion taking the place of any thought and I sink into the warm body beside me.


	23. Chapter 23

**Part Twenty Three: Olivia**

I open my eyes before the alarm goes off on my phone. I look down, tangled in her limbs. It's like she held on to me the whole night. I wouldn't put it past her. I can't take my eyes off of her. She's so little in my arms; so fragile. I brush the hair away from her nose to get a better view. She breathes softly; her chest rising and falling slowly, pushing against my body. I trace the outline of her nose and her lips with my eyes. I could lay here forever. It's the warmest feeling I've ever known. I smile at her as she sighs unknowingly but my smile fades as I think of how the remainder of the day will be. I carefully move her arm off my waist and slip out of the bed, replacing my missing body with a pillow she takes automatically in her arms. I pull out my notepad and leave it on her night stand by the clock.

Dear A,

I had to go in this morning but I want to see you for lunch. Wong might be joining us, just to warn you. Don't worry about anything. Call, if you need me. Have a good morning.

-Love, O

It feels like I never left this desk last night. My papers are all out of place, just as I left them. I'm so early I had time to shower in the locker room and still, no one's here yet. I couldn't sleep. I notice the leather bound book and pick it back up. I pull out the tissue I used as a bookmark and read the line over and over again. It's as though I like the torture of it. I see those words, in his handwriting, with her name.

I read the passage out loud quietly, "I found a great catch tonight. A classy broad with legs so long I could do laps on them but Little Shit wanted her. I told him I had her first but he reminded me that I owed him a favor 'cus of the last catch he brought home. She was hot, I hated to let her go but a man's word is a man's word. I could find another broad like Ms. Cabot in another lawyer bar."

I rub my head mindlessly and rest my hand on my mouth. I get nauseas when I read it but I read it as if I don't believe it really happened to her; my defenseless girl. My hands shake slightly but I read on, even though I know what it says.

Lawyers are the best hits because you're trickin' them at their own game. The bitch didn't even know what hit her, or who. I slipped my stuff in her coffee and when she was out, Little Shit went to work on her.

I couldn't read another line. I could never get past that last line. I've seen almost everything in this unit. I'm sure what happened to Alex was one of the most tame crimes compared to what I deal with but… it happened to Alex. It's something I can't stomach but I'm afraid they might throw me off the case if I can't handle it. I want to get that bastard more than anyone, if my emotions get in the way, who cares? I need to know who did this and I need to be the one who takes him down.

"Hey stranger," Elliot comes in and tosses his coat on the desk. "Find anything good?"

When I couldn't open my mouth to answer, Elliot turned from his spot at the coffee pot and walked over to me. He eyed the book in my hands and I lifted my arm to hand it to him. I couldn't tell him. He took the book from my hands and read the marked passage. His eyes registered disbelief and sadness.

"Oh my god…" His mouth left hanging open, he couldn't find words to fill the void. He shook his head and put his coffee down. He looked at me with realization that I, too, had read it, "Liv, Jesus Christ… are you okay?"

"I found it last night." I looked away and Elliot squatted down in front of me. His right arm held my forearm. "Elliot… I have never cried so hard… in my life."

"Oh God, where were you? I mean, was this in the box? How did forensics not show us this first?" Questions flew from his mouth as more brewed in his mind.

"There was a regular book in one of the boxes. There was a key pasted below the binding and I noticed it. It went to a locker at the gym he goes to. The journal was there. I took it back here before I even opened it. I knew what was in there... I just didn't know she was in there." My eyes well up immediately but nothing falls. My mind is numb to the anger and grief I've felt for her but my body still reacts. Elliot hangs his head in shock then a moment later snaps his head up.

"Does she know?" I shake my head.

"How?" I lean forward to meet his eyes. "How do I tell her that? How on earth do I tell her she was attacked and she didn't even know it? It was a game to them. How do I tell her a guy named "Little Shit" attacked her? She'll want to know who he is… and I can't tell her because I have no idea." My heart broke for her in the realization of how fucked the situation was.

Elliot rolled back on his heels and stood. "We gotta tell her."

"I know that Elliot! She knows she's pregnant for Christ's sake." I let my anger fade, reminding myself that getting Elliot upset doesn't help anything. "I asked Wong to come down today. I left him a message and told him it was an emergency."

"What about Alex?"

"I was with her last night. I couldn't decide if I wanted to tell her then or not but then when I got there she was a wreck."

"What happened?" I could see Elliot trying to picture an upset Alex, but I knew the image wouldn't come to him. She's never upset.

"She was freaked out from this dream she had of me dying, then I came in the house and ran into her in the hall and scared the shit out of her. I swear Elliot, I think she almost had a mental breakdown. What will this do to her? It's going to be too much."

"Well if anyone knows what to do, it's Wong. Trust him Liv, he sees this everyday." Elliot is trying to reassure himself as well I think.

"So do we, Elliot." I'm almost offended but the truth is, I'm the last person who could know what to do right now. I'm too close and I'm taking it very personal.

"Liv, you know what I mean." He eyeballs me, like a father would do. Maybe like a husband would do. I know what he means.

Wong brushes through the doors and makes his way swiftly to my desk. "I got your 9-1-1. What's going on?"

I stand, pick up the book and motion for him to follow me upstairs. Other officers and staff have begun to leek in and this conversation would go to no ears that didn't need to know. "It's Alex," I say quietly and turn away from his confused and surprised expression, heading upstairs.

We sit at an interview table and I slide him the book. After he reads the passage, his eyes are wide and he looks up at me. "This is a problem."

"She's coming in this afternoon. Someone has to tell her and I don't know if it can be me, even though I know it should be."

He closes the book and folds his fingers. "You're right, it should be."

I look up at him and dread the hours ahead of us. I seriously start to rethink my assignment in the special victims unit.


	24. Chapter 24

**Part Twenty Four: Alex**

I wonder why we're having lunch with Wong today. Does Olivia think I'm some kind of dope? I know this can't be good. Maybe she wants me to talk to him about last night. I mean, it was a dream, I freaked out. Is that really something I need therapy for? Then again, with what's been going on maybe I should get my head shrinked.

The smell of fresh coffee assaults me as I open the doors to the precinct. I see Elliot and he welcomes me with a smile and some kind of odd look. When I lift my eyebrow I'm about to ask what the look is for but he asks me if I want a cup of coffee before I can say anything.

"Thanks Elliot, where is Olivia?" He's still looking at me funny and it's starting to freak me out a bit. He motions for the stairs as he sips his own coffee.

"Uh, she's up there with Wong."

"Do you think it's okay if I go up there, or is it a private conversation?" I don't want to intrude.

"Nah, it's fine. She's waiting for you." He retreats to his desk and hides his face behind the computer screen. I head upstairs.

I reach the top and I'm greeted by her smile but it dissipates faster than I would have liked. This is my first look at her today. I can tell her hair is still damp from the shower and it's tousled. Her red sweater is bright and looks warm and inviting. Before another thought can cross my mind, Wong stands up and greets me, asking me to have a seat.

"Sorry if I'm a little early. I got bored really fast," I look from Olivia to Wong. "I didn't even expect you to be here so soon."

"Alex, we have something very important to tell you," Wong starts and I look at Olivia for any sign of what it might be but she's looking at Wong; her face, a blank slate.

"I found a book of Dominic's last night…" Olivia turns to me, cutting Wong off. "I found a key in it that led me to a secret locker. Dominic had a journal in the locker." Oh this can't be good. Why would they be telling me this unless…

"Oh God…" My lips barely move as the words slip out. I dread what she's about to say. She flinches at my first reaction, takes a breath and continues.

"Dominic wrote about you in the journal. He mentioned you by name-"

"Did he?" I jump to my conclusions fast and Olivia puts her hand up gently.

"He had a partner…" Olivia's face is pained, she's trying to force the words out of her mouth. I can see it. "Alex, you didn't get pregnant because of being drunk. Dominic drugged you…" My eyes widen but I don't know what to say. She looks into my eyes with empathy, not pity. Her voice drops and she's almost whispering, "You were raped by Dom's partner. We don't know who he is. Dominic gave us a bogus address on Greg Montgomery. That man doesn't exist." She looks away from me.

"Alex?" Wong looks at me, trying to solve my facial expressions as if they were a riddle. I just look at him, then back to Olivia. I want it to be untrue. I want her to be lying. She's not though.

"This is my fault." It's what I feel. I should have been more responsible. Olivia's head snaps up and she looks right into me.

"No. No, this is not your fault. Don't you dare think that Alexandra." Wong and I both look at her quizzically at the use of my full name. She turns in her chair and touches my face for a moment, then rests her hand on my shoulder. "Look at me." Her eyes are wide, serious and demanding. "It doesn't matter if you were so drunk you couldn't find your way home, or if you had one sip of wine… the only person who is at fault here is Dominic. Do you understand me? Women get slipped drugs all the time. A lot of them aren't even at the bar. If Dominic wanted you drugged, he would have found a way even if you weren't drunk. Okay? This is not your fault."

I nod. She's right. "I don't believe this."

"What are you feeling right now Alex?"

"No George. I don't want to play that game." I'm more furious than sad. I'm furious that a man got the best of me and now I'm being punished for his cruelty. Not only am I affected emotionally, physically part of this man is growing inside of me. I don't know how to deal. I stand up. The look on Olivia's face becomes bewildered. "I have to go."

"Alex, you really should talk about it." Wong states coolly.

"Who knows about this?" I look down at Olivia who has her hand on my forearm, gently pleading with her eyes for me to sit back down, where she can watch over me.

"Besides us? Elliot and Cregan know. Alex, I--"

"I don't want you to tell anyone else about this." I was embarrassed and ashamed. For the first time in my life, I knew exactly what those victims felt every time I encouraged them to speak, or testify or press charges on their attackers. I understand now, it's easier to walk away from it all and learn to deal. I didn't want to see Dominic or the bastard who helped him. I don't even know what I'd do.

"Alex we have some serious things we need to discuss right now. These things can't wait." Wong's tone hinted at his urgency and sparked a curiosity in me.

"What are you talking about?"

"How far along are you?" I look down at my stomach; Olivia does too. "Well, when the doctor told me, I was about six weeks. So I guess total I'm about nine weeks, I think."

"Okay. The good thing is that you've already seen doctors and have been tested for everything. The problem we have here is you have very little time left to make a decision about termination, if you feel it's appropriate." Termination… It sounded so ugly. The thought has crossed my mind a number of times but I'm stuck between ethics and practicality. Could I handle it? Would I want to? This child is the product of violence… what kind of person would he or she grow to be? Would I regret raising this child? Would I regret not raising this child?

"Alex… I know this is a lot to think about, and it's even harder that you have a time limit but the fact is, for your safety, among other things, you need to make this decision in the next couple of days." Olivia searched my face for anything I would show her. I just stood there.

"I have to go." I shook my head. I didn't know where to start. The room was beginning to close in on me and as Liv and Wong starred, waiting for me to speak, I felt too much pressure. I had to get out of there. I stepped backwards and out of reach of Olivia. She and Wong stood. Are they going to try and stop me?

"Alex, please…" I couldn't look at her. I felt disgusting and I didn't want Olivia to see me that way. I brushed past her. The last thing I saw was Wong reach out for Olivia's arm, stopping her from running after me like a desperate child.

"Let her go, for now." I hear Wong say as I bounce down the stairs and away from the news I never thought would ever come my way.


	25. Chapter 25

**Part Twenty Five: Olivia**

"Now what?" I look at Wong for any kind of answer. I pull my arm from his grasp.

"Olivia, you called me down here for support, not solutions. It's obvious that right this second, Alex needs to be alone."

"Are you saying you know her better than I do? You think you know what she needs?" I'm so insulted. Just because he's a shrink doesn't mean he magically knows everything about a person. _I_ know Alex. I feel myself becoming protective and defensive.

"Olivia… this is hitting you too close. You need to take a step back." His face is blank but he's visibly tense at the sight of my growing anger.

"What, and I'm just supposed to leave her? Let her figure shit out on her own?"

"You don't need to leave Alex to take a step back." He sits down in front of me and pulls the chair out next to him. I'm too emotional to sit. Instead, I'm pacing. My mind is racing. Alex needs me and I haven't the slightest how to help her. She doesn't know about me. She doesn't know who I really am and judging by how everything has been going, she's not going to accept me if I told her the truth. Then again, maybe it would help with her decision whether to keep the baby or not. Wait, but then am I poisoning her thoughts? Do I want that baby to grow up as broken as me? Olivia, get a hold of yourself… this isn't your decision to make. I can't get in the way.

"This isn't fair." I say it with defeat. My mind stops racing. I feel as though I've reached a standstill.

"What's not fair?" Wong takes the opportunity to probe. I don't stop him. Maybe I should talk about it.

"First my mother… now my girlfriend." I look at him. We've been over that whole issue before so I don't need to go on but he waits. He expects me to.

"This isn't your fault Olivia." He squints as if to say, 'you're can't be thinking that, can you?'

"My mother was raped and that's why I'm in the S.V.U." He nods because he knows this already. "I always felt like that justified why I was put on this earth. I was a product of violence so that someday I would prevent thousands more from happening…" I can see the twinge of question still in his eyes. I sigh heavily and admit it. "I couldn't even protect someone I cared about. It feels like it happened right under my nose."

"But it didn't. It happened when you two were just acquaintances. Even if you were as close as you are now, it wouldn't have mattered. She was out one night and a very bad thing happened. You can't change what happened Olivia, but you can prevent this man from hurting others, or even Alex again, if you find him."

"He's no where to be found. We have nothing on him."

"You have Dominic." He reminds me, which only angers me because Dominic has been of no help in the matter what so ever.

"He's no help." My anger begins to subside and I rub my temples to try and force my head to clear itself.

"He's not, but the evidence surrounding him is. You'll find the connection. I know you will. You're a good detective. You just need to keep an open mind so that your personal feelings don't cloud the investigation." Suddenly I remember. _Hallie._ I have to talk to her. I need to get her to talk about Dom. My determination returns suddenly and my ambition to search and destroy overtakes me.

"You're right... Thanks for coming by, I have to take care of something." I jog down the stairs leaving Wong and his theories behind me. I shuffle through my desk papers, grab all my information on Hallie, the book she gave Dom and run past Elliot shouting a quick 'bye, be back later'. I didn't want to work on anything at the precinct. Not with everyone watching me like I was some ticking time bomb. I've got to find a way to make Hallie tell me something useful.


	26. Chapter 26

**Part Twenty Six: Alex**

Walking the streets of the city always helps me clear my mind so why isn't it working right now? I feel so incredibly alone. I feel that a lot lately. It's my own damn fault too. Maybe if I didn't push everyone away, especially the one person who actually cares about me, I wouldn't have this problem. I'm such a mess. I keep telling her to come closer, then to get away again. Why is she still around for this? Would I do the same for her? I'm acting like a spoiled child. I just don't know what to think anymore.

The sun is so bright but you got to love the ambiguity of weather. It's cold out today, even though yesterday I didn't even need a jacket. Still, the fresh air seems to help me breathe. When the wind blows I can feel the stiff lines on my face where my tears dried to my cheeks. When did I loose control of my life? I find a bench just outside central park and sit. I watch the traffic, the vendors and the people passing.

Wow, that little girl looks just like my sister. God I miss her sometimes. Maybe that's when things got out of control. Could it have been when Victoria died? I mean, who am I kidding? Stress can't do this much damage. It's been four years. I don't expect to be over it, but I would like to think I could hold myself together better. I thought I was doing pretty well. These cases have been so tough and I've been finding ways to vent my stress. Okay, so maybe they haven't been the best ways. But I can't be like my mother, even though she desperately wanted me to be. I need to stop this. I'm turning into her… She never dealt with things. She always looked so perfect in the public eye, then she's drink everything away when we all went to bed. I've become that. I've become this untouchable rock that defeats all and the breaks when no ones looking. Now look at me. I'm just like she was… all alone. She died that way too. I don't want that.

The tears resurfaced, renewing and refreshing the stale lines on my face. I can't take care of a baby; not alone. That's what I am though; alone. I know I can count on Olivia for anything, and if I asked for her help she'd give it in a heartbeat but I can't count on myself. My emotions have been so out of control, I push her away for no reason. What if I decide to have this baby, look to her for support and then burn my bridges? She won't put up with that forever. I'm not a complete idiot. But I can't lie… my curiosity is taking its toll. A big part of me wants to have this baby. I could raise it right, and love it in all the ways I wanted to be loved growing up. I'd never make my child be the best, or the smartest, or the strongest. I would love all their imperfections. My silent tears turned quickly to a suppressed sob. The most suppressed I could keep it anyway. I had to get off the street and retreat to a quiet place where no one could see me in all my weakness. I desert the bench and walk into Central Park pulling a tissue from my pocket, trying to regain my composure.

I've been walking for about two and a half hours. I've cried all I could cry. I've exhausted my efforts of making sense of myself and I've decided to just exist. So that's what I'm doing. I'm walking aimlessly through the city hoping and praying for something that will wake me up. Then I see it; a flake of snow.

"You've got to be kidding me." I look up and more are on their way down. A hot dog vendor over hears me.

"Yeah, and tomorrow it's supposed to be 65 degrees. Ain't livin' in New England a bitch?" He smiles at me.

"Yeah it is. Every day's a new day; new weather and new stresses." I say sarcastically as I turn to make myself some coffee. I hand him the money and he hands me extra napkins.

"I like it though you know? Nothing's ever the same. We don't really have routine and sometimes that's a good thing. Plus, every day's a new day sweetheart. They ain't all gunna be bad." He winks at me as I give him a knowing smile. I realize the napkins in my hands and the things he's saying are probably because my face is swollen and red. And it's not from the weather. I opt to venture on.

The snow is light and it's not sticking to the ground. Coffee is the only thing I've consumed today. I notice my stomach rumble and look to see where I am. I notice a café up ahead and decide to go there. I didn't even realize how long I was walking, or how far I went. I must've walked the length of the city! Well, it feels like that anyhow.

I reach the window of the café and burn my tongue as I take my first sip of coffee. It's then, before I reach the door to enter, I see her through the glass. What's she doing up here? I stop and stare at her through the window. She's quite a few tables away from the window and for the most part, the café is empty anyway. I stare, transfixed at the sight of her running her fingers through her hair with a look of pure determination on her face. My heart is beating hard and I want to walk away from the window but I can't. She moves her hand from her hair to the cup beside her and as she lifts her head to drink from it she does a double take. She sees me. Still, I don't move. She pauses a moment, as if she is carefully weighing the value her next move. Then her lips curl and she smiles softly at me. I feel nervous suddenly and turn to leave the window. She wouldn't be offended. She's not pushing me to come in and she's not telling me to leave. She's there. She's there if I need her. I walk a few awkward steps until I'm parallel with the door. With each step, I'm screaming to myself that I need to open the Goddamn door and go see her.

So I do. I open the door and walk over to the table. She doesn't act excited, or offended. I know she was watching me. I know she watches everything I do when I'm within sight. Part of me takes comfort in it. I wish I could be that right now. I wish I could sit there and be okay with the out come of all the decisions laid before me.

"I'm glad you stopped in." Her face is lined with gratitude and it makes her even more beautiful than I already think she is. I notice the paper work spread out on the table. It looks as though she's been sitting here awhile. Notes and tags on pages are scattered everywhere, splashed with her handwriting.

"I was in the neighborhood." I laugh sarcastically, knowing just how strange it was that I made my way down twenty blocks or so on foot by accident.

"How are you feeling?" She's trying to clean up the table, pulling papers away from my side of the table first. I see Dominic's name on a sheet of paper she pulls from my view. I realize that she's working only on my case now.

"What are you doing, Liv?"

"Working." She says simply. It almost makes me mad. Then again, anything could do that today.

"Have you deserted all your other cases? What about them? They need you too." She opens her eyes a hint wider.

"Are you saying you need me Alex?" There's calmness in her features I can't place. I look at her shoulders and wish I was resting my head there, curled in her protective arms. I soften my attitude. I didn't come in here to fight her.

"Does that matter?" I'm trying to reciprocate the nonchalant attitude she's portraying.

"I think it might." She cocks her head to the side and sighs. As she exhales, my heart skips a beat and my stomach knots. I feel like I'm thirteen. I start to fidget. It's always been my downfall. Becoming a prosecutor has taught me to control it for the most part. It's a sign of uncertainty. I, of all people, know this. But I can't help myself. I look away from her questioning gaze and crack my knuckles until I feel her warm hand cover my frozen skin.

"Alex." I look at her and I see the honesty. I feel the energy surge through our hands. "Stop trying to keep up your wall. It's only hurting you more that you can't. If treating everything like it's no skin off your nose is your idea of strength, then you need a new lesson." She goes to remove her hand from mine but I cover it with my other one before she can. She glances at the layered hands on the table and visibly relaxes.

"I know… I'm trying. I've never done this before."

"What?"

"Let anyone in." I'm ashamed as I say it. I know it's not the best idea but it's worked so far; until today. Until I realized living for what other people think of you is no way to live at all. "I have to figure out how to undo years of wall construction."

Olivia's thumb gently grazes my skin, back and forth. With each movement, my stomach becomes more knotted. My mind flashes back to the Italian bistro, the music, the dancing and the rain. I crave the uninhibited actions. I crave the way she was so unafraid touch me; the way she made love to me, both fragile and frantic. It was the best memory I had stored away in my mind.

"Hey…" Her eyes came back into focus. I closed my hands over hers tightly and looked at the table as I drew in a nervous breath. Then, meeting her magnetic gaze, I made up my mind.

"I'm going to keep this baby Liv." Her face registered surprise and unexpected happiness. I was sure she'd be disgusted with my decision. I was worried about what she would think. I was going to raise a child that had a horrible father; wherever he is. But looking at her… I know I can do it. It's about nurture. Something in me tells me I can do this.

"You sure? I mean, it's okay if you are and it's okay if you aren't."

"Yes, I'm sure." She nodded with her crooked smile, looking away from me; her thoughts reeling. We sat a moment in silence until I felt the works hit my tongue. "And yes… I need you." She looked at me, surprised.

"Thank you." Her other hand found the three in the center of the table and we sat there, our fingers laced comfortably together. "I won't let anything happen to you Alex, you know that right?"

"Yeah, I know." In that moment I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. My chest wasn't as heavy as I smiled back at the woman I was madly in love with.

"You should come home with me tonight. We should talk about this more okay?" Her soft tone made my heart swell, and the thought of spending the night in her arms made everything inside of me breathe easier.

"Of course…. I would love that."


	27. Chapter 27

**Twenty Seven: Olivia**

Alex will be here in an hour and I'm more nervous than I'd like to admit. Why am I nervous at all? My apartment smells divine. I'm cooking soup with all the spices my mother used to use. That was when… when she bothered cooking at all. Jesus, one disastrous situation at a time Olivia. Then again, that disaster is about to become the topic of tonight's discussion. Anyway, it probably won't matter what we eat because after I tell Alex about my past, she probably won't feel like eating.

I look stupid. I need a different shirt. Maybe blue? No, that's all wrong. Okay, here's a good one. A red v-neck with no white undershirt is…um… yes, perfect. It fits in all the right places and while this is going to be a serious conversation, you never know where things will go. I want to look good for her. My hair is not co-operating with the mouse I've poured into it and I'm about two minutes from dumping water on my head. Before I can, I hear the buzzer to my apartment. I buzz back and Alex's low tone comes through the static sounding box. I'm excited and overwhelmed at the sound of her voice. I buzz her in and when I open the door, the sight of her takes my breath away.

Her thin black slacks hug her thighs before fanning slightly at the knee and her baby blue sweater wraps itself snugly over the contours of her body.

"Are you going to let me in?" She smiles as I feel my face turn red.

"Of course, I'm sorry. You just… you look great." She smiles softly but the pain in her face is still present. She just doesn't smile the same anymore.

We sit in my kitchen and she takes a deep breath. The spices and scents fill both our noses and fill us with a certain comfort we haven't felt in a long time. We eat in a comfortable silence for a while. Then she speaks.

"Thank you for having me over tonight Olivia. It really means a lot to me. You have no idea." She's seems so sweet as she says this. Her cold demeanor melting with every spoonful… with every moment spent near me. Is it selfish to think like that; to think that I could do that to her? I resist the urge to reach out and touch her face. I'm just glad she's letting me in. If she keeps this up, I feel like I can really help her. Maybe she can help me too. It's what a partnership is about after all, isn't it? She did confess to me in the café that she's never let anyone in before but I failed to tell her I was in the same boat. Eventually, she will know this anyhow. It's time to lay all the cards on the table, no matter how much it scares me.

"Alex, there's a lot we need to talk about." She gives me a look as if she is in trouble.

"Okay." She sets her spoon down and gives me her full attention.

"I'm glad you came to a decision about the baby."

"You are?"

"Yes, I am." I can only hope that my smile reassures her. "I can't tell you how many times I wanted to talk to you about it. It was very hard for me no to put in my two cents, but the last thing I wanted to do was interfere. It was your choice and I wanted it to stay that way."

"Okay," she nods; waiting for me to go on.

"Alex, I don't feel the need to keep things from you but please just understand… this isn't an easy thing for me." I meet her eyes and she smiles softly.

"I know how hard it is to abandon your post at your wall. Especially lately…" Her smile grows to a genuine grin as I realize just how much she's battled her demons off to meet me half way.

"Not long before I met you, my mother died." I start. She offers a hushed apology.

"I wish I could have known her." She replies.

"I don't think you'd have liked her very much." I avert my eyes, this is it. "She was a good person… with a lot of bad habits."

Suddenly Alex looks at me with a knowing look, as if she suddenly recognized my face. I feel vulnerable and immediately regret bringing it up. I should have known I can't handle this. I'm panicking internally.

"Liv, please tell me." She can read me so well. She places her hand over mine and her warm energy convinces me to go on.

In a heavy sigh of breath, the words slip out. "My mother was an alcoholic." I lift my eyes but not my head, glancing up to see Alex's reaction. I'm surprised… she doesn't even flinch.

"I'm sorry…really." She squeezes my hand, "because I know how that is." The confusing look on my face must be an incentive to go on. "My mother was too. These past weeks have been so hard because of everything she taught me. She was a woman built for her public and that's how she raised me to be."

"Was?" Her use of the past tense and detached tone clue me in.

"She passed away a while back." She states.

"Wow, I'm sorry-"

"Don't be. I'm not." She throws in quickly. I defiantly didn't expect that kind of reaction. "Why did you bring up your mother Olivia?" It takes me a minute to remember now that I've been thrown off.

"Well… um, there is something else about her that only Elliot and Cregan know. Oh, and Munch because he figured it out and he's like that." She cocks her head to the side, probably going through what terrible things my mother could have done. "My mother was drunk one night. She was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and she was raped." Now Alex registers shock. I was starting to think I was talking to Wong… ha. He's never surprised.

"So, you're telling me this because I was drunk?" I can feel her tension rise at the assumed accusation. She stands up from the table. "Do you think this was my fault?"

"No, no Alex! No, never!" I stand up and follow her to the other side of the kitchen. She crosses her arms over her chest and leans against the counter. I keep a foot or two between us as I go on.

"I'm telling you this because my mother decided to keep that baby. It was a very big deal for her and because she kept that baby… her drinking became worse." My face is hot and my skin is itching. I've never been so nervous and anxious before. I've never had to explain it like this before… with emotion attached. "I wanted to talk to you about it before you made your decision because I wanted to make sure, you were sure. I don't think my mother was sure and that's why she regretted it later. Eventually, I decided it wasn't my place and that you are much stronger than her and that you would make the right decision on your own." Her frown began to dissolve.

"Well, it wasn't an easy one. I'm still not totally sure. I don't think any woman in my position can be completely sure. But, that's life, isn't it?" Her wandering gaze returns to me, "I didn't know you had any siblings Liv." I was hoping I could skip that part but I knew I wasn't going to.

I take a deep breath and look at the floor. I cross my arms tightly in front of me and I'm barely audible as I say it. "I don't… I'm an only child."

There it is. She gasps. She gasps because she's disgusted. I know it. She's quiet for too long and I somehow get the courage to look up. Her face is pure pity. "Liv…"

"No Alex, I didn't tell you so you could feel bad for me." I start to feel angry. I'm angry that I told her, because I never want anyone to know. I'm angry for her sympathy. I take a step back and she knows I'm about to walk out of the room; maybe the apartment. She reaches out and grabs one of my tightly folded arms. I don't loosen the grip on myself.

"Look at me Olivia Benson. I said, look at me." I listen and look at her. Her stern stare is slightly intimidating. "I don't give pity. I never have and I don't plan to now. I do, however, give love and support where it's due." She tugs my arm but I can't find the strength to loosen it…even for her. "Olivia, please." Her unrelenting stance quickly fading to a hushed request.

It was like she figured out my password. My arms unlocked and she pulled them apart and stepped inside them. The light from the other room filtered in sparingly and it was there in my dimly lit kitchen that my horror was displayed for, what felt like, the world to see. I dropped my forehead on the shoulder of this slightly shorter woman and surrendered myself. She seemed to reach her arms around me as far and as tightly as she could as we stood there quietly.

"She can't hurt you anymore Liv." She said quietly. That was all it took for the tears that had accumulated in my eyes to escape. My chest tightened and my heart felt faint. She felt my body change with me. She rubbed my back and touched my neck, pulling my forehead off her shoulder, bringing us closer. "Now I know I made the right decision."


	28. Chapter 28

**Twenty Eight: Alex**

Here we are. Standing in her cozy kitchen, lost in everything. As I stand here, holding this woman I care so much about, I think of how perfect our timing really was in the beginning. Things were slow then; well, as slow as the Special Victims Unit could be. Then when disaster hit, it was all at once. We had our feet in the door though. Thank God, right? We were wedged into each others life barely enough to get the ball rolling. Now we readily lean on each other for support.

The trembling in her muscles is only heightening, the longer I keep her here. And while my heart is breaking for her, I'd never dare say it. Yes, here we are; broken as fuck. What a Goddamn mess.

"I'm sorry Alex," she chokes out; her chest heaving against mine. Her body heat rises with every second we stand melted together. The temperature is suffocating but I wouldn't let her go, even if my life depended on it.

"Don't Liv," I tell her. I know what she's thinking. She's thinking she's selfish for even sharing her pain when she knows so much about mine. I would tell her that this is life, it happens, but she wouldn't listen. Instead I sigh and tell her to just breathe. She mirrors me and her trembling decreases.

"I shouldn't put this on you," she begins but I pull back just enough to look at her.

"Olivia, don't do that. You don't want me to feel sorry, so you can't either… Let's go sit." I keep my arm snuggly around her waist as we head into the living room. She drops her tired body onto the couch first and I follow. She turns her body to face mine and takes my hand, absently touching and measuring it.

"I bet you didn't expect that," she laughs sarcastically and rests her head on the back of the couch to focus on the ceiling.

"You're amazing," I say; the words slipping from my tongue before I can stop them.

"What?" She wipes her face with her sleeve and gives me a quizzical look.

"Look at us Liv. You've done so much for me. You're the only person I could possibly lean on. Honestly…" I look down embarrassed for the words that I'm about to say, "I wouldn't have had anyone to turn to without you. I guess I don't really make that many friends." We laugh half heartedly as I picture the criminals I face and the lawyers I scream at. I'm sure she's picturing the despicable humanity she faces daily as well.

"Alex, I'm sure-" I look up quickly to stop what I don't want to hear. She's sure many people like me. I know it's what she's going to say. Even if there were, it would only matter what one person thinks of me…

"I wouldn't trust anyone with this… with me. I mean, gosh, I don't know." Suddenly I feel stupid. Why is it that I just can't I just spit it out? "The sides of me that have come out recently… they're hideous. Anyone else would run with that and use it against me." I look up and she's staring at me with such intensity that I look away again, in all efforts to finish my thought. I fumble over those thoughts as I attempt to continue. "You've protected me in every way you can."

We are still for a moment. I'm about to say thank you when I feel her shift her weight. She moves closer, the couch sinks between us and I lean into her involuntary… almost. Her fingers graze my cheek bone and a chill runs through ever bone it can. I close my eyes and as she removes her hand from my skin I let out a suppressed breath and turn my head away from her. I want to say those words to her, those words that just won't form.

"Alex," she whispers in a crippled breath, "it's because I love you." I turn suddenly too meet her eyes and to say it back but as I'm in mid motion, she pulls the back of my neck towards her, closing the small space between us.

It's been so long since I've felt Olivia's lips on mine. God, I've missed this feeling. My heart racing, my heavy breathing; everything about her. She's slow and gentle. I can taste the salt on her lips and feel the heat from her face. Should we be doing this? We're so intense; always needing, always craving, then needing to walk away for long periods of time. I don't think I can handle her distance again.

"Olivia," I pull back breathless. "I…"

"I'm sorry," she quickly apologizes.

"No, it's just…" I focus hard on her face; at the intense look gazing back at me. "I don't want to ruin what we have."

"Our friendship?" She asks with a twinge of defeat in her tone.

"No…our relationship." She tries to smile at me. "We're too much for each other. We act on our feelings in these emotional episodes we have." Our faces are inches apart and I place my hand lightly on the side of her face. "You are everything I will ever need in a person. I don't plan on letting you slip away."

"I won't Alex, I swear." She places her hand over the one I have against her face and curls our fingers together. "I've never been good at making these kinds of things work but I'll do everything I can. Being here with you… it's just natural to me. Telling you about my life and about my mother… telling you things comes naturally too."

"I'm glad. I really am. I just think we've had a hell of a week and we need to relax and take everything in." What the hell am I saying? Why do I have to be the responsible adult here when all I want to do is jump her bones? This is not an easy thing for me to be saying to Olivia but she's reading me well and agreeing. I know, she knows what I'm talking about and why I'm saying what I'm saying. Even if I don't want to be saying it. I feel like I'm taking advantage of her situation and her vulnerability.

"Lay with me?" She asks after a moment of silence between us.

"I'll fall asleep out here. I know I will. Let's just go to bed." I suggest and she nods and smiles.

She stands and switches off all the lights, except for dim night light that paves a small path in the darkness of her hall to her bedroom. The lights from the city streets filter into her bedroom as always and she tosses her pants and sweater on the floor. I mimic her actions and we slip into the cold bed. The crisp sheets make me shiver and I kick my legs under the blankets. I hear her laugh and I slide over to her.

"Thank you for being so patient with me," I tell her as I rest my head on her chest. She pulls the blankets up to my shoulders.

"I told you, I'd be whatever you needed, whenever you needed it." The sincerity in her voice melts me and I press my body tighter to her side. I feel her relax under the contact. I'm glad to be sharing this bed with her again. I'm glad to be happy with her presence, with the feel of her skin, with the sound of her breathing. It's what I've needed to bring me back from wherever it was that I lost myself.

"I haven't felt this safe or this relaxed in a long time. I've been so tense and angry lately… I haven't slept. Especially knowing that I was driving you crazy."

"Alex," she stops the rant before it escalates. "It's good you're feeling better. Why don't you try and sleep?" She suggests. I feel her fingers run through my hair and I relax. I work myself up so easily, no wonder I'm a head case. Feeling Olivia's nails along my scalp just puts me under. My eyelids suddenly grow impossibly heavy.

Before I completely slip away, my groggy voice leaves her with the only thought left in my mind, "Liv, I love you too." Her hand stops moving and I feel her stretch her neck to reach to place a kiss on my forehead. Her fingers resume their slow travel through my messy hair and I welcome the sleep that over takes me.


	29. Chapter 29

**Twenty Nine: Olivia**

"Benson! My office!" Oh man. I make an 'oh shit' face at Elliot.

"Who doesn't love to start a Monday morning like that?" He mimics my expression and laughs quietly until he hears Cregan step into the room. His expression changes to a little boy who's about to be caught being bad. I suppress a laugh until Cregan zeros in on me.

"Olivia, now." I book into the office.

"Do I need to take you off of Cabot's case?" Oh Jesus. My worst fear is now on the table.

"No way Captain. You can't take me off. I know I can handle myself." I'm trying so hard to sound calm but I'm panicking.

"Well if you want to stay on it, you need to keep the rest of us in the loop. I understand your feelings for Alex, but that doesn't mean you're working on this case alone. You went to Sing Sing and didn't tell me?" Oh yeah, meant to tell him about that.

"You're right; I should've let you know. I've calmed down a lot about it all."

"Well things are going to heat back up if we get the real info out of Dominic about his partner. What are you going to do then? What are you going to do if we find this guy? I can't have you running off alone, facing him and then blowing his brains out." He has a good point. I hadn't thought that far ahead. All I've been concerned about is finding the bastard and keeping Alex together.

"Now, I get a lot of this with Elliot and there are times I let him make the call but I don't know if I can trust you to tell me if this becomes too much." I'm offended for a second then realize he's right. I'm way too stubborn, I wouldn't back down. Even if he tells me to, there's no way I can now.

"I understand Captain." He eyeballs me and softens his voice.

"Olivia, are you seeing Alex?" Oh Jesus, wasn't ready for that. I just look at him. I don't know if I have the guts to lie to him. Would Alex want me to lie? Would Alex care if I told him? Elliot figured it out on his own, but that's Elliot. He can tell if I'm lying about what I ate for breakfast. How the hell did the Captain know?

"What makes you ask that?" He gives me a look as if to say, 'do you really think I'm that stupid?'

"I've been around a long time Olivia, I think I can still recognize that look people give each other," I look down and fidget with my fingernails, embarrassed, "…no matter how hard the people try to suppress it." I look up and he's smiling at me and I half laugh. I feel relieved that he doesn't care about the fact that we are co-workers. I was sure I'd be in trouble for that one.

"Sorry, I was just hoping no one would notice… for now anyway." I confess.

"Well, I won't say anything but I don't think Cabot will stay you're dirty little secret forever." The statement makes me laugh out loud, mostly because it's true and a little bit because Cregan just called Cabot my 'dirty little secret'. Man, she'll just love that.

"That's true, but for now I was just trying to keep it quiet. As for the case, I don't think anyone could be better for it. I'm totally dedicated to it and besides, you know as well as I do that if you take me off, I'll keep looking anyway. Might as well pay me for my efforts," I laugh at my arrogance and so does he.

"Well, I'll tell you… I gave this a lot of thought before I called you in. I basically came up with the same thing. I know you too well to think you'd ever let someone else be in charge of putting away Cabot's perp. But please do me a favor and stick with Elliot. He knows you better than anyone and I'll trust him to tell me if things are getting out of hand. You can't battle this alone, okay?" I nod and silently curse whoever, knowing I'll have to have a babysitter on this case. Even though I know it's completely appropriate.

"I guess I'll fill in Elliot with the info I've gotten so far, today." I stand to leave but Cregan tells me to wait. He opens his draw and places my gun and badge on his desk.

"You're off ass duty. I won't write you up for the locker room discovery or your visit to Sing Sing… but let's play it straight for the rest of this okay?"

"Thank you Captain, this means a lot. I can get so much more done out there in the field."

"So go do it." He brushes me off like it's no big deal but I know he could get in trouble for letting me off desk assignment early. I head out of the office.

"You grounded?" Elliot asks, his eyes never leaving his computer screen.

"Actually no… even though I probably should be. Cregan let me off ass duty actually." His eyes open wide as he looks at me, then smiles.

"Wow. That was defiantly unexpected! What did he say?" Elliot gives me his full attention. Even though he won't ever admit it out loud, he loves gossip.

I lean closer to his desk to try and keep others from over hearing. "He knows about me and Alex."

"Oh man, was he mad?"

"No, surprisingly enough. He apparently came to terms with the fact that I was not going to let this case go to anyone, whether I was on it or not… so he let me stay on and even gave back my badge so I could go out in the field and get the job done faster."

"That's generous… even for him." He takes a sip from his second coffee of the morning and waits for me to go on.

"You're on the case too now. You're my babysitter." I make a face at him. He laughs into his cup.

"You know that's not true. We just get the job done, you know?" He can try to deflect it all he wants, but we both know he's my mental monitor. "So what do I need to know?"

"Well I went to see this girl Hallie Sullivan at Sing Sing the other day. That's kind of why I got in trouble in the first place. I didn't tell Cregan." He's giving me a confused look and before he even has to ask I jump the gun. "Remember the book I found the key in? Hallie is the one who gave Dom the book."

"Oh yeah, okay. I remember that. Didn't she give him a letter too? Something about hanging in there or he'll end up in Rikers? I guess she called that." He wracks his brain trying to re-familiarize himself with the case.

"Yeah, I tried talking to her about those things but she wasn't very helpful. Apparently she has a history of being a pathological liar so I don't know what's real and what's not." I say in a defeating tone.

"Did she tell you some crazy story or something?" He asks, pulling out his notepad to jot down the info I was giving him. He smoothes his hand over his tie and looks up at my contemplative look.

"Well… she said she was going to marry Dom but she didn't have a ring and her fellow inmate said her story about that changes daily. When I asked her about Dom's problem, she said he didn't have one. When I confronted her about the letter she said he was just an alcoholic. I was just getting no where but I checked the visitor log and saw that Dominic stopped by to visit her a few months before. He must have told her to shut up. It's the only visit on the record... besides me." I rub the back of my neck and log on to the prison records for Hallie.

"Has anyone talked to Dom lately? I mean, he gave us that fake address for Gary so someone should have called him on that. He knew we weren't going to find Gary. I think we need to go pay a visit to Rikers. Maybe we should take Wong." I'm listening to Elliot speak as I surf Hallie's priors. I see Cregan's door fling open and he beelines to us.

"What is it? What's going on?" I see the distress on his face and my heart skips a heat. Elliot sees it too, his blue eyes focused hard on Cregan's distraught face.

"It's Dominic Clark," my heart stops, I hold my breath, "during the transfer to the lower security facility placement, he escaped." He looks at me and I close my gapping mouth and stand. "Olivia, we got every cop out there on it right now."

"I've got to see Alex." I state as if there were no other option in the world.

"Liv, you might now want to tell her just yet. We don't want her to panic." Elliot suggests.

"She should be aware though! What if he goes after her?" I silently curse myself for letting Alex make that deal with Dom for Gary's whereabouts; especially since the address was a dead end.

"Why don't you just call her Liv, see how she's doing and tell her to be safe. You don't have to lie to her just… I don't know." Elliot tries to think of an honest approach to deceive Alex but he's having trouble. He does have a point though. I don't want Alex to have a mental breakdown but I don't want her oblivious either.

I pick up the phone as Cregan tells Elliot that we need to go back and visit Hallie, see if she knows where he's headed. I shake my head angrily that Dom is out in the city somewhere.

"Hello?" Alex's voice comes over the phone loud and clear. She's been organizing her case load all day, preparing to return to work tomorrow.

"Hey Alex, it's me." I say, trying desperately to mask the shaking of my voice. She doesn't miss a beat.

"Liv, is something wrong?" She sounds so worried. Now that I have her here, I don't know if I have the heart to tell her, even though I know I have to.


	30. Chapter 30

**Thirty: Alex**

If Olivia thinks she's going to get away with this conversation lightly, she's got it all wrong. I can hear the dread in her voice. She just called to say hi, my ass.

"Olivia, come on…" There's a long pause on the other end.

"We had a break in the case Alex and it's not a good one." She says with disappointment.

"What happened?" I ask but she's dancing around the answer. She tells me she'll be home in two hours and not to go anywhere. A pit rises in my stomach and I have a horrible feeling about why I'm suddenly under house arrest. Ultimately, I agree to stay in and wait for her.

She's right on time. Twelve o'clock and lunch is on the table. I greet her at the door but as soon as I see her face, my smile escapes me.

"You better be here to tell me why I'm under house arrest… not that I don't love being cooped up all afternoon with the house plants, but really." I try to lighten her but she doesn't budge.

"What's for lunch?" She wanders into the kitchen. I can see her mind at work; two thoughts battling brutally. Still, even if she comes to the decision to not tell me, it's not really her option.

"Chicken Caesar salad and bad news from the precinct." I follow her in and make her, her afternoon cup of coffee. I put the kettle on for myself and lean against the counter, awaiting an explanation.

"Ok…" She drops into the wooden chair at the table and looks at me, "Dominic Clark escaped." I gasp and before I know it, the tea cup I am holding is slipping and smashing on the floor in front of me. She jumps up and joins me on her knees, picking up the chards of porcelain.

"How could that happen? How the hell could he have done that?" I ask the same question five different ways as I drop the broken pieces into a dish towel; Olivia doing the same.

"It was during the transfer…" Olivia stops picking up pieces and lowers her head, "Alex, I'm so sorry." I stand up and throw the cup in the trash.

"Cregan… Cregan told me it was the right thing. Dammit Liv! Everyone told me it was the right thing!" I'm furious. Olivia just stands in the middle of the kitchen like a kid in trouble. The angrier I get, the more she backs away from me. "Now this son of a bitch is out on the street, and it's entirely my fault! It's… it's what everyone told me to do! I don't believe this!" I look at Olivia and she's speechless. She almost looks scared. Immediately I feel bad.

"We've got everyone looking for him," she says quietly. "I wanted to come tell you to your face… I just wanted to see you. I was afraid he was going to come here."

"Olivia, I'm sorry… this isn't anyone's fault. What are we going to do now? Can I still go back to work?" She shifted her weight and straightened her posture. I could see the detective attitude return.

"No one said you can't go back to work. I don't think it's a good idea but I know you're going back anyhow. Dominic might know where you live but he doesn't know where I live. You could stay here for a while, until we catch him." Her eyes almost pleading me to stay. I nod.

"What if we don't catch him?" I worry aloud.

"We will," she says, matter-of-factly.

"It's been three weeks and Dominic is still no where to be found. Olivia works every day of the week now. I know she's not sleeping. I fall asleep before her and she's always in the kitchen or the shower when I wake up the next day. She's been distant and agitated. It's ripping her up that she can't find Dom. We don't even really see each other. We grab lunch three days a week if we're able and at night, most of the time I'm in bed when she gets home." I tell the blonde sitting across the desk from me.

"Alex, you know how Olivia is. She's the most determined person I know. She won't rest until she knows you're safe. She might be touchy right now, but it's only in your best interest." Serena crosses her legs and goes on gesturing her hands in my face, trying hard to reassure me that Olivia knows what she's doing.

"Serena, I understand that more than anyone but look at me!" I stand up and show her the bump in my belly. She gasps with excitement and runs over to poke me. "Hey!"

"Gosh, you're really coming along… I guess we need to have lunch more often. Keep me in the loop okay? So what is it - what's wrong? Are you like, seriously emotional yet? I could understand you wanting Olivia around more often. Gees, has she seen this?" I slap her hand away playfully. She laughs lightly and sits back down.

"I guess she's seen it. I mean, you can't really miss it. We haven't had time to talk about it… that 'it' is about to be our son or daughter." It slips faster than I can catch it but Serena catches it for me.

"Our son or daughter?" I avert my eyes from her surprised, questioning look. "I mean, I know you guys are together but she told you she'd raise it with you or something?" I raise my eyebrow at her. "You know I mean that in a good way Alex."

"She said she'd be there for whatever I needed."

"That sounds a little detached to me. Maybe you guys should really sit down and talk about this. I mean, that baby is already making it's presence known!" She's right and I'm embarrassed that Olivia and I haven't had that talk. "Anyway, you're big girls, you know how to handle your own lives. I'm just here to make fun of you once in a while." I smile at her. I think about how distant we became when that whole episode happened with her and Branch.

"I'm glad you called Serena, it's nice to have someone to talk to." I feel stupid as I say this but it's the truth.

"Honey, anytime. I was the shit head that didn't talk to my own friends forever. Look at all the great drama I missed!"

"Oh shut up! You're a head case, you know that?" I tell her and she makes a crazy face.

"So what are you doing for thanksgiving? Takin' the detective to your chateau in the Berkshires?" She asks with a snobby old lady accent and a goofy smile.

"No, I think I'll brave that alone this year, as usual. I don't think she's ready for the family. I'm sure my father would love her but the rest of them are pretty judgmental. Besides, she's spending hers with Elliot. I guess she does that every year since they became partners. I've only met his wife Kathy twice but she's a very lovely woman. Olivia has a lot of respect for her, they're good friends." Serena smirks at me. "What?"

"Better watch out for this Kathy!" I throw a balled up piece of paper at her and tell her to shut up.

"You are really out of your mind, how much caffeine did you consume today?" I joke with her, happy to have the uplifting company.

"Well, its one in the afternoon. I've had like, four maybe? I'll be peeing for the rest of my life." She laughs and points to me, "so will you pretty soon!"

"I'd smack you, but you're right. I can't wait for that beautiful stage to begin." I say rolling my eyes.

A knock at the door cuts our laughing and it opens to reveal Liz. "Alex, I- Oh, Serena… I'm sorry I didn't mean to interrupt. How have you been?" All emotion drained from the both of them, Serena answers politely that she's fine and was just on her way out. Liz steps to the side to let her pass and Serena makes a vicious face behind Liz then signals for me to call her later. I wave her out and gesture for Liz to sit.

"What do you need?" I ask politely.

"Special Victims called, that seven year old, Amanda is hopefully going to pick out Brady in a line up and they want you down there." She turns to leave but stops. "How are you feeling lately Alex?" Her tone barely changing from that of business.

"I'm fine thank you," I stand and pull my briefcase together. "I'll get right down there."

_Amanda O'Brien, seven years old, kidnapped outside of Jenny's Jewelers on October 3rd, 2005. Recovered November 5th, 2005. Family delicatessen suspected of kidnapping and sexual assult charges._

I close the file as the cab flies through the streets of the city. It's a shame. I am starting to look at these cases so much differently now. I almost understand where Elliot is coming from. I don't know how he does it. So many cases with children, so many battered and damaged, then he goes home and has to be a normal dad. If that doesn't make you over protective I don't know what will.

I walk into the precinct and everyone has just entered Cregan's office. Olivia is leaning by the two-way with her arm around Amanda. Trevor is there, obviously defending that scum, Brady.

"Are we all here?" Cregan looks around, taking a head count. I watch as Olivia kneels down in front of the small girl.

"Ok sweetheart, are you ready to show me the man who took you from your Mommy?" The little girl nods and I watch how carefully Olivia treats the girl. "Step up here, don't be afraid. They won't be able to see you okay? This is special glass." The girl steps up on the box to look at the window.

"Send 'em in," Cregan instructs.

"Do you see the man, Amanda?" Olivia asks softly.

"I'm afraid to say…" she admits.

"She is obviously not ready for this," Trevor chimes in heartlessly. The girl looks at him with fear and Olivia swiftly moves to the other side of her to block her view of Trevor, as if to protect her.

"It's okay honey, just tell me if you see him. He can't hurt you okay? I promise. If you know he's in there, we can send him away where he'll never get to you again." She reassures, rubbing the girls back. She stands angled and close to her, blocking Amanda from anyone else in the room.

"It's…number four." She admits timidly.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I hate him!" The right becomes visibly distraught and Trevor silently curses. The girl turns her face from the glass quickly and hides her face in Olivia's chest. Instinctively, she hugs the small girl and turns her away from the standing men as Cregan pulls the blinds.

"You did great sweetheart, it's okay. I'm going to take you home to see your Mommy okay?" I watch as the girl nods against Olivia and slowly lets go, allowing Olivia to lead her by the hand, out of the room.

"Would you like to come with us?" Olivia's voice still painfully distant but time with her is worth more than anything to me these days. I nod and she bends down and zips up Amanda's coat. She smiles at me, making me wonder if the distance I feel is just in my head.

We situate ourselves in the car and Amanda talks to us for about five minutes about Disney World and then falls asleep.

"You did great with her in there," Olivia takes her eyes off the road for a moment to look at me, almost sadly.

"Thanks… Alex, I'm sorry I've been so out of it lately." She starts off. I don't want to make a big deal of it though.

"It's okay." I lie.

"No it isn't. I'm not being very supportive and I'm sorry. So much is happening with you and I feel like I'm missing it." She looks ashamed. We inch through traffic as she clenches and unclenches the fist resting on her right leg. I take her hand and it's as though she springs to life.

"I know you're doing what you can. I do miss you… but you're out there helping people. You're saving children like Amanda, and you're still looking for Dom. I could never be angry about that." She squeezes my hand and takes a deep, relieved breath.

"I'm going to take some time off okay? I really mean it. We haven't spent any time together. I wouldn't call driving vic's home in a cruisers quality time." I laugh lightly.

"I have an appointment with Dr. Rice next week. Do you think you would want to come to that? She said that by week twelve, I should hear a heartbeat. I might even be able to tell what it is." I tell her, trying to suppress my excitement.

"Oh my God! This early? That's wonderful Alex, I'd love to go. I'm so glad you asked me." My faith in Olivia now restored. She's so excited about this, Serena must've been wrong. Olivia's not detached at all, just distracted… and who could blame her?

We drop off Amanda and Olivia offers to bring me to her apartment. We're halfway there when I notice her eyeing the rearview mirror more than usual. I watch her street come up and we pass it.

"Liv… I think you-"

"Shh, don't make any movements. I could be wrong but I think we're being followed. You're coming back to the station with me." I feel a cold sweat take over me and I sit still and quiet. I feel the car speed up and I close my eyes as we weave through traffic. I open my eyes when I feel the car slow and pull into one police plaza.

"Jesus." I say relieved to see the old building.

"Whoever it was didn't want to follow me here. I think I got partial plates." Olivia adjusts the mirror just to see the vehicle drive past. The detective in her switches off as she looks over to me. I'm sure I'm pale as a ghost. "You okay?" She reaches her hand up and rubs the back of my neck, her thumb grazing my jaw. I just nod.

"I'll stick around until you check the plates." I say, trying to convince myself it was nothing.

"Okay," Olivia's worry is etched in stone on her face but she tries to brush it off. She kisses my cheek then gets out of the car to open my door and walks me into the precinct.


	31. Chapter 31

**Thirty One: Olivia**

I wonder if I'm seeing things or if we really were followed. Elliot's gone home for the day so I set Alex up on his desk. She always gets through her stress with her work. It's one of many things, I'm finding, we have in common.

"We may be here a while Alex, there are 23 matches." I tell her.

"It's alright, I've got plenty to do," she says quietly, turning her attention back to the file in front of her.

I go through and run each name through the database. Four men pop up with priors. The first man, Jeremy Atkins, is still doing time in Rikers, so it can't be him. One man is deceased and the other two are left. Thomas Laboda, was brought in for stalking, but the charges were dropped? Well that sounds like it could be our man. Better check the other guy, just in case. Alexander Halse, brought in on accusations of physical and verbal assault. His didn't stick either? God, it could be either one of these guys. I bring up their files and start to sort through their data.

I hear Alex sigh. I steal a glance; fatigue etched harshly in her features. She removes her glasses and pinches her nose, between her brows. She makes a face as though she's commanding her body to wake up, to see better, to stay alive here.

"What?" She notices me looking.

"Nothing," I say, but she cocks her head to the side and waits. "I just, haven't seen you in a while. I mean, it feels like that anyway. It's hard to imagine but, sometimes I just forget how beautiful you are." She smiles and blushes.

"Oh stop detective," she laughs, "you know I'm coming home with you tonight. It's a sure thing." I shake my head and smile. It feels good, since I haven't done so in a while.

"In that case, I'll work a little faster so we can get the hell out of here."

"Yeah well, I'm starting to get hungry. You think we could pick up some Chinese on the way home?" I eye her with a grin.

"Eating for two already?" She feigns shock and tosses her pencil at me.

"Are you calling me fat!" I laugh, "Oh this is no laughing matter Ms. Benson." She can't keep a straight face.

"Oh, I see it!" I point at her, "I see a smile, you are so full of it." She swats at my hand.

"Get back to work!" She playfully orders.

"You too… slacker." She sneers and holds her hand out.

"I need that pencil back," I shake my head. "Come on Olivia, it's the last one I have left."

Before I can hand it back, a tall man, late twenties, early thirties walks in. He looks around confused until he spots us sitting here. Alex sees my face change and turns around.

"Sir, can I help you?" I ask, my professionalism returning.

"Yeah, I just witnessed a kidnapping. I was coming from Gleason's Gym when I saw this guy drag this girl down a few feet and force her into a van. I ran over to stop him but I couldn't get there in time… he sped off. I missed the plates and everything!" He's out of breath and as I let the words sink in I realize what he's said. Gleason's Gym? That's where Dominic went. Is this a coincidence or is this our guy at work?

"Okay why don't you calm down, have a seat." I motion to the chair aside of my desk. Alex just listens to the guy. She doesn't know the details of her own case, I've made sure of it. She wouldn't know the connection.

"I'm going to call my partner in, okay? If you could do me a favor and just jot down everything you saw. Describe the man, the vehicle, and where you were." I look at Alex and she sees the twinge of fear. How can she tell? "I'll be right back." I look at her and make a face as if to say, 'sorry we're stuck here.'

I head into Cregan's office and dial Elliot's cell.

"Stabler." His annoyed voice comes over the line.

"Elliot, it's me. Listen, you know I wouldn't bother you if it wasn't important but a guy just walked into the precinct saying there was a kidnapping in front of Gleason's Gym."

"Oh shit." I hear Dickie in the background yell at Elliot for swearing. He apologizes softly. "I'll be right there Liv."

I come back into the room and Alex is standing. The guy is not far from her. My heart races furiously as guilt hits his face, and Alex looks distraught.

"Is there a problem?" I say, swiftly walking to Alex's side.

"No Ma'am, I was just asking about Ms. Cabot's baby here." I look at Alex and she's visibly uncomfortable. What the hell did he say to her? She just shakes her head.

"I'll be in the crib Liv." The guy goes to sit back down and as his back is turned, she squeezes my arm as she walks away from me. I turn my attention, now to the man, who I suspect to be a prick.

"What did you say you're name was?" I ask coldly.

"Anthony Scott."

"Anthony, are you a member of Gleason's Gym?" I ask, whipping out my notebook.

"Sure, isn't everyone in that area? That gym has the best equipment, this end of the city." I catch him eyeing the crib and I glare harshly.

"Do you have a problem with our Assistant District Attorney?" I ask bluntly.

"Not at all, she's really something. Is there a Mr. Assistant District Attorney?" He asks, his eyes never leaving the door at the top of the stairs.

"Yeah, you're lookin' at him." His eyes snap back to my face and I challenge him with the hardest look I can muster. "Did you come down here to help a victim or are you scouting for an easy lay?"

"Damn, you don't mess around do you? I should have figured though. All women cops are…" he looks at me with disgust and I can feel my temperature flair.

"They're what? Go ahead say it." I feel myself get defensive and I want to back off but I can't help it.

"Maybe I should go." She says awkwardly, standing up. I take the paper from where he was sitting and look at it.

"You came to report a crime so report it. Looks like you didn't have much to say. Or was your mouth taking care of that?"

"Hey, I don't have to take this. I don't need someone like you talking to me like that." He sneers. I only hope Alex can't hear us.

"You walk out that door, you are obstructing justice. Write down what you know and you won't even have to talk to me. Better yet, you won't have to talk to me at all because after I have the information I need from you, we can take it from there." My smile is sarcastic and mocking.

"Fine, but only because I'm a good Christian and I owe it to that girl," he replies, sitting slowly back into the chair. He writes as fast as he can, but his handwriting is surprisingly legible. He writes for about ten minutes and hands me the paper.

"Thank you. If we have anymore questions, I'll have my partner Elliot Stabler contact you." I tell him.

"Contact me for what?" Elliot waltzes in. Anthony turns, almost relieved to see another human being.

"This is Anthony Scott. He witnessed the kidnapping." Elliot senses the edge in my voice and looks at me long enough for me to raise my eyebrows and give Anthony a look behind his back. "He was being a 'good Christian' by reporting it."

"Do you mind if I speak with you privately Det. Stabler?" Anthony asks.

"Sure, why don't you head into this room over here and I'll be right in. Let me just get myself situated." Anthony retreats into the interrogation room.

"A real piece of work, this one." I say bitterly.

"How much damage could he do in twenty minutes?" Elliot asks.

"Enough. He was hitting on Alex. I got a little nasty when he started asking about her personal stuff. He pegged me right away." Elliot smirks at me. "What?"

"You sure to stand up for your ladies," he jokes. I crack a smile but he doesn't like it anymore than I do.

"I'll be back in a minute," he says, retreating to the room, notepad in tow.

I head up the stairs to see Alex. "Hey," I say opening the door slowly.

"That guy is a jerk," she says emotionless. She's laying on the bottom bunk of one of the cots.

"Well, Elliot's talking to him right now. What did he say to you?" I ask curiously, squatting down to meet her at eye level.

"The usual scum bag things. He was just shamelessly hitting on me. Then I stood up to get some coffee and he came over and touched my stomach. He was asking about the baby. It was really uncomfortable." I nod. " I heard what you said to him Liv." I suddenly get really worried.

"I'm sorry, it just.. I just said it without thinking." I search for excuses.

"Don't worry about it. I thought it was nice; you standing up for me like that. In a way." She smiles sideways and I smile back at her. I cock my head to the side so our faces are parallel. "I'm so tired Olivia. I'm tired all the time."

"I know," I say brushing the hair away from her face. "Let me close things up downstairs. You rest here, and once that asshole is gone, I'll take you home, okay?" She yawns and nods wearily at me. Her eyes slide closed momentarily but open as I carefully slip the glasses off her face. "I'll be back in a bit." I fold the glasses and put them in my shirt pocket and head downstairs to close up.


	32. Chapter 32

**Thirty Two: Alex**

"Serena, please! Come on," I laugh and beg at the same time. Serena's voice is bouncing through the receiver. "I can't do it without you. I want this Christmas to be really special, okay? Do you think you could just pick that up for me? I'm swamped! I have to close out as many cases as I can before I go on leave."

My office door opens and Olivia sees the phone in my hand; waves lightly and sits quietly in the chair across from me. I smile, acknowledging her.

"Yes, well, that would be great. I have to go, but thank you. Yup… okay… bye." I hang up the phone and turn my attention to the happy detective in front of me. She's beaming. "Okay, so what's the good news?" I ask, laughing lightly at her excitement.

"Well… Elliot's having the precinct Christmas party at his place this year. I don't usually go to these, mainly because it's so depressing, but Kathy begged me. Plus, I have a date this year…first time for everything." She leans back in the chair, folding her fingers and grinning.

"You have a date?" I ask with a half smile. "Who?"

"Oh you wouldn't know her. She's this lady I have on the side. She's pretty gorgeous. You'd be jealous," she says nodding.

"Really? What does she look like?" I ask; my tone as level and nonchalant as I can keep it.

"Oh you know, blonde, blue eyes… carrying my future daughter." Did she just say what I thought she said? She referred to the baby as hers. We never did have that talk I wanted to, two weeks ago. There's always something in the way. Work calls, or I'm too tired, or we go to dinner but get sidetracked just trying to keep up with each others lives. We very well could be the most dysfunctional pair I've ever seen.

"I hope you and your date have a lovely time." I say politely. "So when is this little Stabler bash?"

"I think it's a week from this Friday. God, we're supposed to pot luck but I can't cook to save my life. Think you could help me out?" Olivia looks at me. I know how much she hates cooking. Not that I'm any better. I make a face at her, gently reminding her that I can't cook for shit either.

"Maybe we should just buy something and bring it." I suggest. Olivia rolls her eyes and laughs.

"Could you be anymore of a New Yorker?" She accuses.

"Okay, so how's everything going these days?" Serena asks, digging through her salad.

"They're much better than they were. I think Thanksgiving toned everything down. Crime rates drop from here to New Years, so things have been less hectic." I say digging through my own salad.

"Well that's good," Serena says absently.

"Serena, did you get it for me or not?" I ask impatiently.

"You know I did, I just like watching you squirm," she laughs, opening her purse. She pulls out a long box, already wrapped in gold paper, with gold ribbons twisted and curled, hanging off of it.

"Thank you so much for picking this up! The only time I have free is lunch, and I'm wasting it with you!" Serena laughs at me as I pull off the fitted lid to reveal the black box. I open the box and plaster myself with a foolish grin. "This is just beautiful. It's even better than I thought it would be!"

"You mean you didn't pick it out in the store?" Serena questions.

"Don't you think if I had time to go to the store to pick it out, I would have bought it then? I got this catalogue in the mail. It had all these Christmas deals. Normally, that makes me feel kind of cheap but there was defiantly nothing cheap about this piece of work. I've been looking for something subtle but beautiful and this was on the first page. It was just what I was looking for. I called it in and had them get it ready for me." I close the box and carefully hide it away in my bag. Serena is just looking at me. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Oh you got it bad Alexandra. I've never seen you give a crap about anything this much before… not even me!" She feigns a suppressed sob and then laughs when I look away. I feel my cheeks flush. It always happens when I think of her. I hate it, but I love it too.

"Anyway…" I decide to move the conversation in a safer direction, "did you decide if you wanted to join us at Elliot's? I know you're work place is pretty… crotchety." I say with a smile.

"I can't believe I just heard you say 'crotchety'! Ha, ha! They aren't crotchety; they're just… old and boring. Man, I need to get out of there. I was thinking about it though… I might take you up on that offer. Are you sure it's okay with Elliot?" Serena's insecurities peek out.

"Yea, he's really into the holidays. He said, the more the merrier. Besides, Olivia wants to get to know you better since we've been spending time together." As I say this, I see her taunting mind go to work.

"Is she afraid I'm stealing you away?" She gives me an evil look and I just shake my head.

"I knew you were going to say that! Honestly though? She's really grateful that someone can be here for me when she's not. She was actually hoping you'd really decide to join us."

"Alright, alright, I said I'd go didn't I? You don't need to beg." She flips her hair and looks at the clock on the wall. "We better get out of here before Donnelly fires you for hanging out with me. I'm a bad influence you know…" She jokes with a hint of bitterness.

"Now, now, we're all adults here," I smile and pick up the check. "Oh, and I hope you can cook, it's a pot luck." I say.

"I'll just show up with some wine," she says, shrugging her shoulders.

"Potluck means you share with the guests," I remind her.

"I guess I'll bring two bottles then!"

"I don't think I can go tonight!" I yell to Olivia. She emerges from the bathroom, ruffling her damp hair with a towel.

"Why not?" She says calmly, knowing what I'm about to say.

"I look hideous in everything!" I've never felt so affected by my wardrobe.

"We both know that's not true." She walks over to the mirror, where I'm standing, in a black dress. She stands behind me and looks into the mirror. "Yeah, I guess you're right. It's hideous; I think I'm moving out. I can't take another second." She jokes. It makes me crack a smile… and elbow her in the ribs.

"I thought black was slimming." I say to no one in particular.

"Alex, why are you worried? I don't know if you noticed or not but you have a baby in your stomach, not chilly cheese fries!" She laughs and sits on the end of the bed. She pours mouse into her hands and turns her head upside down to tousle her hair. I sigh and pull the dress off and throw it on the floor.

"There's nothing…" I say looking at the closet, then to Olivia. Why isn't she as distraught about this as I am? She flips her head up to look at me; her hair falling in every which way. Nothing but seriousness is written on her face.

"Honestly Alex, you look good in everything. Don't be upset by that little bump," she says.

"Little? It's huge… and so is your hair," I laugh and walk over to her. She's sitting on the bed, grinning.I try to tame her hair with my fingers without ruining the style. As I concentrate on her head, I feel her hands on my hips. She pulls me closer to hug me.

"I don't care if you weighed a thousand pounds, I'd still be happy to have you for Christmas," she says; her honesty showing more than I'm sure she'd like. "Don't be upset, okay?" She's eye level with my bump and leans forward to kiss it. How can I be upset now?

"Okay…" I say as she rests her face against me, probably listening, or waiting for movement. "Olivia?" I look down at the back of her head; her neck peeking out from under her cropped locks. I smooth my hands over the appealing skin.

"Mmhmm?" She stays comfortably in place.

"Never mind," I say.

"No, what is it?" She looks up at me, resting her chin on the bulge in front of her.

"Help me find something to wear or we're going to be late." I think she can tell that wasn't what I was going to say but I'm sure by now she knows better than to try and pry it out of me.

I want to tell her she feels like family. She feels like family I'm missing, and family I've never had. We never really talk about those issues because they run deep for both of us, but shouldn't I be able to tell her on the holidays? Not today anyway, I don't want to work myself up, (which is so easy to do these days).

She hands me a black skirt with a red boat neck top. "How's this?" She asks, handing me the garments.

"Actually, I like that a lot." I say reaching for them.

"Actually?" She laughs, "did you expect me to pick something terrible out? I couldn't have worked that way considering these are all your clothes and I would hope you liked them… since you wear them."

I laugh at her and gather the bags of gifts, my purse and my coat. Olivia takes the coat from me and with out thinking twice, lifts it to put it over my arms. These are the little things that make me appreciate her more and more each day. I turn to face her as the coat drops onto my shoulders. She turns to grab her own before I can catch her. She slides her arms through her coat and faces me to ask me if I'm ready. Her mind is wandering until she realizes, I'm not moving or answering her; just smiling. I lean forward and slide my hand to the back of her neck. I close the space between us, my gratitude gradually turning to desire. I pull the collar of her coat with both hands, drawing her closer; kissing her harder. I feel her hands on either side of my head. She touches my hair then gently pulls away.

"Wow, all that for a good outfit?" she asks with a staggered breath.

"All that for a good woman…" I reply pulling myself close to her; our warm cheeks touching softly. In this moment, for this season, I appreciate her more than she could know.

"We better get out of here before I change my mind and stay in with you." I laugh against her. "And Elliot would be pissed 'cus I never go to these things and I promised."

"Good point. We wouldn't want to waste you looking this good either. It's not every day I can get you into a dress." I pull back and look over the little black dress, clinging to every curve.

"Well, you can get me out of it later," she replied with an evil grin.


	33. Chapter 33

**Thirty Three: Olivia**

"Hey!" Elliot answers the door with a Santa hat on, and about eight wrapping bows on his t-shirt. Alex takes one look at him and bursts out laughing. I shake my head with a smile.

"Nice outfit," I compliment.

"Thank you, Dickie helped me out a bit, "He answers as seriously as he can with a smile on his face. Dickie runs up behind him.

"Olivia!" He runs to me and I pick him up. Elliot motions for us to come in. Kathy makes her way over to us, seizing our bags and coats.

"Thanks for having us," Alex says politely to Elliot, handing him our 'host & hostess' gift. He takes the bag with a smile and puts his arm around her.

"It's nothin'. You're like family now, sweetheart," he says and Alex looks back at me beaming. I gesture that he's been drinking and he catches me.

"Oh come on Liv! You don't have to be drunk to have holiday cheer!" he calls to me.

"You sound like a retarded Christmas card," Munch chimes in. I just laugh at them and make my way to the kitchen with Kathy, leaving Alex to fend for herself. The house is already full. It's warm and cozy and the smells in the kitchen are making me hungry. People are talking and mingling in almost every room on the ground floor.

"Oh Kathy, what on earth are you cooking in here?" I ask, taking in a deep breath.

"Maureen and I are just finishing up some cookies and pigs in a blanket." Maureen waves and Dickie wiggles out of my arms and runs into the living room.

The kitchen and living room have no barrier and I find my eyes following Alex through the crowd. She hugs Munch and Cregan, laughing at their conversation. Fin is rockin' on the piano and Dickie is sitting beside him pretending to conduct. God, that boy has a lot of energy. I watch as Munch gets off the couch to allow Alex to sit and passes her a glass of diet coke. Her eyes wander over the crowd as Munch starts in on her. She catches me looking and smiles before turning back to Munch, laughing.

"She's changed you." A soft voice comes from behind, startling me. Kathy slides in next to me. I just smile at her. "I'm happy for you Olivia. It's about time. Now I see a genuine smile on your face."

"I lucked out, I guess." I say, not believing the reality myself.

"I don't think it's about luck… I think it's about fate; as corny as that sounds." She laughs, taking a sip of wine. I see Serena jump out of no where and pull Alex into a hug. Munch feigns hurt and she hugs him too and he tries to suck her into his conversation. "Look at me… I have four beastly children whom I love to death, who have a great father. Relationships are hard, I won't lie about that, and you two are in for a lot; your professions, your sexual preference, being parents and so on."

"Well Gees Kath, why don't you point out some more perks of my life?" I laugh, mocking her.

"No, no. It's not like that. My point is, in the end, none of it matters. If you look at that woman everyday, like you are looking at her now… you can face anything. Just remember that." I look at the married woman who is already three sheets to the wind and I am stunned by her words. She retreats to the kitchen, pulling a bickering Kathleen and Maureen apart. Alex's gaze returns to my stunned face and motions for me to come over.

"Liv, you remember Serena," she states with a smile.

"I've heard all the gruesome details," Serena jokes, pulling me into a hug. "Just kidding, I just talk shit with Alex some afternoons, that's all." I laugh at her and Alex shoves her.

"This woman needs her own psych. defense," Alex says, reaching for the snacks on the coffee table.

"Only Alex would make attorney jokes," Serena points out.

"Well, I hope we get to know each other more Serena," I tell her. "Alex really has nice things to say about you."

"Hey, how bout we play, 'what's in Munch's box'?" Munch asks us.

"Woah man, no one wants to play anything with you, " Fin says.

"That's not fair, just because I can't sing, or dance, or play any kind of instrument, doesn't mean I'm useless!" Munch places the box on the end table. Before Fin can make fun of him more, the sound of a clanking glass rings in the air, silencing the guests.

"HEY! HEY! HEY!" Elliot's arms are raised above his head. He's standing on Dickie's toolbox looking over the slue of guests. "If I can just have your attention for a minute!" A bow falls off of his shirt and Dickie leaps up and smacks it back on to his stomach. "Ugh! Thanks little man… Okay I just wanted to thank you all for coming. For those of you who know me well, know, this is my holiday!" A few stifled snickers pop up in the crowd. "I just wanted to take the time to thank you all for working so hard in the unit, or the office, or wherever you're from. Any Christmas, where we are all together, is a good one. I'd like us to take this time tonight to thank those around us, say what you gotta say, and lastly, we should have a moment of silence for Sgt. Jackson who fell earlier this year, fighting to keep our streets safe."

"Amen to that," a fellow cop says, holding up his glass.

"Amen," we chant back.

"Okay, let's eat! My darling wife has the food setup in the dinning room. It's buffet style so just dig in!" Elliot steps off the toolbox and says something to Dickie. People slowly file into the dining room and I follow.

Dickie runs up to me, "Olivia can you help me with something?" I motion for Alex and Serena to head on to the dining room.

"Yeah what's up?" I ask, bending down to his height.

"Daddy gave me this and told me to give it to the tallest person to hang up," he says, opening his hands to reveal mistletoe. I look up at Elliot and he smiles and shrugs. Oh, he knows I hate mistletoe. If it hadn't gotten me in trouble with Cassidy those years ago, maybe I would have a different opinion. I give him a dirty look. "Come on Olivia, please!" I look back at Dickie.

"Okay, but I need your help okay?" He nods and pulls tape out of his pocket. "You can be the tallest tonight. Get on my shoulders." I bend my head down low and Dickie climbs on. I walk over to the opening of the living room that leads to the foyer. "Should we put it here?"

"Yeah, so people can say goodbye under it!" Dickie exclaims.

"How do you know what that is?" I ask laughing, trying to make sure he doesn't topple off of my shoulders.

"Mommy told me, it's a love plant. People have to kiss under it. It's kind of gross," he says as I pass him the little bit I have.

"So you're not going to kiss any pretty ladies tonight?" I ask, trying to suppress laughter.

"Ew, that's gross! Girls are disgusting!" I can't help but laugh hard as I pass him pieces of tape to secure the branch.

"Disgusting? Are you sure? Every girl in the whole world?" I ask. He nods as the tape practically covers the branch he's plastering to the wall. "Even me?"

"You're not gross. But all other girls are!" I reach for his arms and pull him off my shoulders. Holding him on my hip we examine our work.

"I think it looks perfect," I tell him. He gives me a peck on the cheek. "Hey I thought you don't like girls!"

"We had to start it, to make sure it works… Duh." I let him down and he struts into the kitchen. I laugh and shake my head. As I turn around I see a pair of blue eyes, shining at me. Alex is standing just far enough for me to have not noticed her there. She walks forward, placing her plate on the coffee table. The other guests, lingering in the dining room and the others, just discovering the mock bar on the kitchen counter.

"Cheating on me this soon?" Alex jokes, her smile spreading.

"I told you I had a date, didn't I?" I laugh. "How do you like our craftsmanship?" She looks up.

"Let's give it the proper start," she says, smiling. Her eyes are shining as she leans in slowly.


	34. Chapter 34

**Thirty Four: Alex**

I was nervous about coming tonight. I was afraid I wouldn't exactly fit in with a mass amount of cops. I have Serena's drunken banter about our office going steady in my right ear. Olivia is laughing so hard in my left ear, at Serena that tears are coming to her eyes. The nerves are long gone and I'm enjoying the company and the atmosphere.

"PRESENTS!" I see Elliot's twin's run out of no where, towards Munch and the big red bag in his hands. He covers it, trying to protect it from their clawing little fingers. Elliot comes up behind his children and scoops them up. They thrash and giggle under his arms.

"Good idea John. We should start the swapping before the guests are so hammered they can't manage to un-wrap this stuff," Elliot laughs, letting the twins down to run back to Munch. I feel Olivia lean into me.

"Elliot's closest friends always get the twins something. We used to buy for Maureen and Kathleen when they were younger too." Olivia's breath is laced with rum and coke, and so is her tone. She turns her attention back to Serena and her dirty jokes. I notice Kathy come from the foyer with the secret Santa gifts, handing them out with Elliot. I watch her hand Fin the gift Liv and I found for him.

"Benson you're too much!" Olivia looks over at Fin and smiles.

"What'd she get you?" Munch inquires.

"She got me an iPod, so I don't have to listen to your stupid ass rambling on stake outs!" He said, laughing. All I can picture as he says this is us, in the store, scouting for it. She confessed about how hard the year had been and how Fin had really come through for her when she was afraid to talk to Elliot. I guess she didn't want to bring Elliot down. She's always concerned about the welfare of others...

"Ho, ho, ho," Munch says sarcastically with a half smile, handing Olivia a small wrapped gift.

"Thanks, secret Santa," she laughs. Looking down at the tag, her laughter transforms into a pleasantly surprised look. I looked at the package in her hands and my name was written on the tag as well. She looks at me and smiles and we both turn to look at Munch but he's already on the floor with Dickie helping him free the impossibly packaged racecar.

"It's got your name on it too," she says handing it to me.

"I see that," I say, failing to suppress a wide grin. I feel so included in the precinct group, just by this little tag. I flutter my hand at her, gesturing for her to just open it already. She starts to opens the package carefully and I'm waiting like a child to see what it is. "Oh just give it to me!" I say, taking it from her hands. I tear the package and pull the lid to the box. The front of the box advertises an elegant frame. Munch's handwriting is scribbled over it. Keep opening! We laugh and I slide the frame from the cushioned packaging. Our smiles fade rapidly and as I hold to frame with both hands I feel Olivia's hand cover mine, holding the frame with me. There, in the picture, is Liv and I laughing, side by side. It was taken at Maloney's months ago, long before we even admitted our attraction to each other. You can see it in the photo though. Liv has her hand on my shoulder and she's smiling widely. I'm pointing at her, mid-joke. I remember that night like it happened five minutes ago. It was first time Olivia invited me out with her and the guys. I was so nervous, but I was more excited to finally be going out with her. We had all squeezed into their favorite booth in the back of the bar. It was the closest we'd ever been and I was soaking it up. From the moment I sat beside her, our thighs pressed together and never parted until last call. I remember the electricity running through my veins, and the way she smelled. Every time she turned her head towards me, it was a mix of her shampoo and her subtle perfume. It made my stomach twist. It still does.

"John…" Olivia says, looking away from the photo. He just turns and winks at her. He knows how much it means to her.

"You're welcome," he says.

The night goes on and a number of gifts have accumulated around our feet. The feeling in house is warm and Maureen's Christmas CD is on its third run. A few couples have long since left and the rest are filing out slowly, wishing their Merry Christmas' and Happy Hanukkah's.

When just about everyone is gone, Olivia joins Kathy in the kitchen to help clean up. Serena hangs around with me in the living room, still going on about what she's been doing with herself since she left the office and how she really needs to get laid. I laugh and shake my head. Munch is on his way out. He says his goodbyes and comes up to me before heading out the door.

"I'm glad you came this year Alex. I hope you won't be scarred for life by hanging out with crazy people like us." He says, looking over his glasses.

"I look forward to plenty more years like it," I say smiling. He gives me a hug goodbye and one for Serena too.

"I think I've met my match Serena. For New Year's I'll have dirtier jokes than you could ever think up!"

"Oh you're on John!" She said raising her empty glass to him. Her sobriety starting to set in.

I watch John go to the kitchen and hug Liv, Kathy and Elliot. Olivia turns back to Kathy and their distant conversation goes on. I watch her scrub the dishes in her beautiful dress. Only she would do dishes in that dress. It's too bad she hates them. I swear they were made for her. My eyes travel down the length of her lean, exposed legs and I'm transfixed with the movement. Every time her arm comes down hard on the plate she's scrubbing. Wow.

"Alex… Alex, are you even listening to me?" I hear Serena's voice hitting me.

"Serena, I'm sorry, I'm just pretty tired. As soon as Liv is done in there, we need to get out of here." She nods, unaware of where my eyes can't help but linger. She leans down and starts to gather the bags around our feet.

"Let's go put these in the car. Just so it's one last thing to take care of, you know?" she offers. I agree and stand up. I pull on my coat and Olivia notices the motion in the living room immediately; like she has eyes in the back of her head.

"We're going to go put this stuff in the car while you guys finish up in there," I tell her, before she even asks. She nods and visibly relaxes, turning her attention back to Kathy's story.

Serena and I waddle out to the car, desperately trying to balance the bags to keep from toppling over. Serena is having a hell of a time walking on the ice and snow in her 3 inch heels. I, on the other hand, have already started wearing shorter heels. The back pains have started to peek their rearing little heads out already and I'm not about to make it worse in the name of fashion.

"Shit, I forgot our food," Serena curses.

"What food?" I ask absently. All I can really think about is getting Olivia home, and out of that dress…

"Hello, the potluck! We have those two platters of food. It's vital I get that because I'll be living off of mine for like a week," she says in all seriousness. I laugh and shake my head.

I unlock the doors to the unmarked cruiser. I've become accustom to riding in it. Why get a regular car when you can drive the state's and have them pay for gas? Cregan doesn't care, so we don't either. I pick up the bags that Serena left beside me and start to load the back seat. I hear Serena come up behind me.

"Gees, that was fast, did you forget-" Suddenly there is a gloved hand over my mouth and my heart feels like it stops beating in freight. I drop the bags and elbow the person in the ribs. The hand leaves my mouth to stop my arms. "OLIVIA! OLIVI-"

This time there the person holds a damp cloth over my mouth. A strong chemical on the cloth is stinging my nose. I'm gagging and thrashing as the person is dragging me into the street. I'm fighting as hard as I can but it's getting to hard. My arms are quickly becoming heavy and the cold is freezing the tears on my face, making everything hurt. I feel myself being pushed into a car and I see Olivia run out of Elliot's front door. I see her pull her shoes off and sprint across the front yard in her bare feet. My vision goes blurry and I'm straining to yell for her but nothings coming out. I hear her call andscream my name as the car jolts forward, sending me sliding off the back seat onto the floor.


	35. Chapter 35

**Thirty Five: Olivia**

"ALEX! ALEX, I'M COMIN' BABY! I'M COMIN'!"

Who is that? Who took her? Who has her? Why? Why is this happening to us…to her? Where is he taking her? Is it Dominic? Son of a bitch… Is it Dominic?

My bare feet are slapping the frozen asphalt over and over. The sound is bouncing off of the neighboring houses. I'm running so fast. What's that license? What's that number? I'm not letting her go. I won't let him hurt her. I won't let him get away.

"Olivia! Come back!" Elliot's voice seems to be getting fainter and fainter. He's trying to chase me but he can't keep up with me. I'm like a machine; power housing through the streets. It hurts like a bitch though. My legs are burning with pain. My skin and feet are on fire. It feels like a thousand knives are stabbing me all at once but my mind won't let my body stop. I run and run. I'm running as fast as my dying legs will allow. The car is still in sight. I can't loose it.

"145SMDH! 145SMDH. 145SMDH. 145S…M…DH." My lungs are closing in the blistering cold. I'm loosing air fast. I feel myself start to tumble. I'm wobbling but I'm still going, "145...SM...DH. 1…4…"

"Olivia!" Elliot's catching up now, after taking a breather. I'm slowing almost to a stop. My legs are heavy and my lungs are in so much pain. I try, but I can't take another step.

"145S…MDH." Every intake of air is burning and ripping through my throat. Finally, I trip and fall to my knees, cutting them on the black ice on the street. Before I fall flat on my face, I hear Elliot charge up behind me. I feel his strong arm encircle my waist and pull me backwards.

"Liv! Liv, are you alright?" Elliot tries to help me up but every bone feels like lead to me. I can't see straight and I feel like I'm going to pass out. "SERENA! CALL A BUS!"

"No…" I say, trying weakly to pull myself from his grip. I need to keep going. "No… 145SMDH…"

"Liv, no. You can't catch that car on foot," he said, trying to cover my frozen skin with his arms.

"Get… the car." I say, gasping endlessly for air. God, it's so hard to breathe.

"No Liv, we gotta go back to the house." Elliot takes my arm and tries to lift me but I fight him, pulling away. Kathy's jogged the half mile hike down the street with a blanket slung over her arm.

"Elliot, let me," she says throwing the blanket around my exposed shoulders. She pushes slippers onto my aching feet. "Olivia, will you please try and stand and come back inside?"

"I got to… get the car." I see Kathy look to Elliot through my blurred vision.

"What's wrong with her?" Kathy looks panicked.

"Stress and shock, I think," he answers. "We see it in our victims all the time."

I hear the bus in the distance, the wailing sirens growing progressively louder. The red and white lights demand attention as they round the corner and flash over the neighborhood.

"I'm not… going." I say to Kathy. I'm shaking my head. Kathy and Elliot get on either side of me and force me off the ground. I'm standing completely with their support.

"Let them help you Liv. You can't even breathe!" Kathy exclaims.

"LET THEM HELP ALEX!" I scream. I feel Kathy flinch against me. Elliot shakes his head at her as if to say, 'it's not you.'

"LET SOMEONE FUCKING HELP ALEX FOR ONCE!" I scream so loud I over power the siren and my voice is the only thing that can be hear for that moment. "Because I… couldn't". The last of my energy is drained. I feel the medic move me to a stretcher and I can't fight it because everything is going black.

Man, it is bright in here. I open my eyes and I'm in the worst place imaginable… the hospital. What the hell am I doing here?

"Hey," I look over and Captain Cregan is sitting by the window with his arms folded over his chest. He looks like he's been there a while. "How ya feelin'?

"Umm…" I'm slightly confused as to what happened.

"Do you remember what happened tonight?"

"Oh my God, Alex!" It hits me like a brick to the head. I go to sit up but I hurt everywhere.

"Woah, slow down soldier." He rises from his chair and moves to sit on the edge of my bed. "You split your knees and they had to stitch them up. They're going to be sore so no fast movements, okay?"

"Where's Alex? I've got to go find her."

He shakes his head, "I've got Elliot on it right now. He took the license you gave him. The car was hot; reported missing a month ago. We got everyone looking for it. If you hadn't gotten that plate, we wouldn't even have a place to start looking."

"Do you think it's Dominic?" I ask, tears forming at the thought of his grubby hands on my beautiful Alex.

"I don't know for sure but I'd put my money on it," he answers honestly.

A nurse enters and smiles at me, "Ah, Ms. Benson, glad to see you're awake."

"I need to get out of here immediately. Where's the doctor?" I ask. I go to push myself up but as I push my hands into the bed, a sharp pain shoots through my arm. "Ow," I look at them and my finger tips are raw. My right palm is cut, but not as bad as my knees.

"The doctor will in, in about five minutes, don't worry." She comes to the bed side and checks some of the machinery surrounding me. She turns off the oxygen tubes and pulls circle stickers from my chest.

"So why are you down here?" I ask Cregan.

"Elliot wouldn't have it any other way. He would've stayed but he knew you'd kill him for not being actively looking for Alex," he says as though it were obvious. I guess it sort of was.

"He was right."

An hour later, I'm dressed in the clothes Elliot brought me from my apartment and I'm walking slowly down the hall, leaning on the Captains arm. These pain killers are taking forever to kick in. The soles of my feet are absolutely killing me.

"I'm going to drop you off, then go into the station. We got everyone in there working," Cregan says, starting the car.

"No way, I'm going in too."

"Olivia you need to take care of yourself or you'll be of no use to me," he says. I just look at him.

"Don't make me pay for a cab to get all the way back down there. It's a waste of time and money. We both know I will not be resting until she's found." Cregan says nothing but nods slightly as we pull out of the parking lot. He knows me well enough to know, the entire S.W.A.T. team couldn't keep me from the station house.

Twenty minutes later we're pulling into the 1-6. We've said nothing and I stiffly get out of the car. The painkillers have taken some of the edge off but I'm more afraid of popping the stitches out. The Captain holds his arm out but I'm too proud.

"I'm okay, I got it." We make our way up the steps and into the precinct.

"Olivia!" Elliot spots me and rushes over; Serena a step behind him. "How are you, are you okay?"

"I'm fine," I say distracted. "Have you got anything?" I ask, redirecting his attention off of me.

"You're just in time. We just got a hit. They are still on the move and were spotted in Goshen."

"Jesus, what's in Goshen?" I ask. "At least she's still in the car. They can't hurt her if she's still in the car." I reassure myself.

"Well, he stopped in Goshen… to pick up his partner. Two men were seen in the vehicle." My mouth goes dry as Elliot goes on, "they stopped and got gas. Both men were seen in the front seat, but no woman. She could've been in the back laying down. They probably haven't touched her Liv. I bet he didn't expect you to catch up with the car like that. So they are probably just concerned with getting out of the area. Hopefully they'll stay in this car, but if they realize you got the plate, they may switch."

"It's Dominic. He's pissed that the partner attacked Alex and then he got collared for it. He's taken what he thinks is his." I look at the captain and he says nothing. "We're going to Goshen." I state.

"I'll get the keys," Elliot says automatically.

"Olivia," Serena steps forward, "it's going to be okay." I just look at her. I don't have time for false reassurances. I'm numb to all emotions but determination. She hugs me but I don't hug her back. I can't even feel her arms around me.

"I'm going to kill him," I say quietly. Serena takes a step back and looks around to see if anyone else has heard. They haven't. Elliot rounds the corner as if on cue, pulling his arms through the sleeves of his coat. Serena just looks at me. I can't possibly read her expression. I'm going to guess that she believes me and it scares her. I turn from her and follow Elliot to the door.

-Ring!Ring!Ring!-

I stop dead. Everyone stops and turns to me. My heart races and a cold sweat comes over me as I grab from my cell phone.

"Benson."


	36. Chapter 36

**Thirty Six: Alex**

Aw God, my head… As I go to rub the throbbing temple I realize my arms are stuck; no… tied. Oh my God. I silently panic as my senses kick in and I know I'm in the back seat of that car that took me from Elliot's. How long was I out? Where is this guy taking me?

I hear the radio on low, "you're listening to Radio 103.1 F.M., Goshen's number one rock classics of today and yesterday." The D.J. yells at us in excitement. Goshen? I really i was /i out for a while. I open my heavy lids and see the green digital numbers on the dashboard. 3:32 a.m.

"Turn this shit off," I hear a familiar voice… Dominic. Fuck.

"What do you want to listen to then?" A nasty, but timid voice replies. They also sound familiar but I just can't place it.

"Shut up, Shit," Dominic says, switching to contemporary classical.

"I'm not listening to this garbage all the way there," the passenger complains.

"I said, shut the fuck up. I don't remember asking you what you wanted, you selfish fuck. You're doin' what I say from here on out. I almost went to jail for you." Dominic sneers. My heart is beating so loud I'm afraid they might hear it. The passenger must be the man who attacked me.

"It's not my fault the cops caught up with you."

"I might have slipped through the cracks had i Ms. Cabot /i not shown up and made everything complicated." I close my eyes at the mention of my name. I want to appear as knocked out as possible. I hear the passenger turn around to look at me. He pushes my shoulder. I don't flinch. I won't crack under this pressure. Even if I wanted to, I was frozen with the fear that was coursing through my veins. I hear him turn back to the front.

"How far are we going?" he asks.

"Remember Dad's hunting lodge?" Dominic asks. Wait, the passenger is his brother? Holy shit!

"We're going to Connecticut!" He yells in disbelief.

"Shut up," Dominic says punching his brother in the arm, "you'll wake her up."

"She's out cold man, Jesus," he complains.

The ride goes on and the men speak very little. I open my eyes slightly when it gets bright. I need to remember stores or signs. If I can find a way to escape I need to find my way back. Either way, I know Olivia will find me. I know she will find a way. I have to hold on to that… or I'll completely loose my mind. I'm scared to death but I know these assholes don't want me dead… yet. Dom would have killed me right in Elliot's front yard.

I try to displace myself; taking in the classical sounds that have been on for almost an hour. I picture Olivia's face from the party this evening. It's the freshest memory I have of her.

_"Let's really start this thing," I say smiling; pulling her forward. Tentatively our lips meet and I feel Olivia's hand slide from my waist to the small of my back, drawing me closer. She kisses me softly and pulls back to look into my eyes and smile._

_"Merry Christmas to me," she laughs lightly. I smile and hug her. Tears come to my eyes but I will them away. I couldn't have a happier Christmas. Her arms loosen their grip to let me go but I squeeze her tighter._

_"Just… stay for a minute," I say, unsure of where that came from._

_"Okay," her arms recoil snuggly around my body and I'm so content. _

I hold the moment in my mind. I mentally freeze the bodies, trying my hardest to remember her scent, the music, the feeling… anything warm. However, my mind can't hold this memory as I feel the car turn and venture down a gravel driveway. We slow to a stop and the passenger turns around in his seat, catching my open eyes.

"Honey, we're home," he smiles evilly and I just look at him. I recognize the face, of my attacker. I don't know how I know… I just do.

I've been sitting in the basement for maybe an hour. I'm trying to keep track of time. It might be five or six a.m. now. The sun is starting to come up. Olivia should be closer to finding me. I wander if she's figured out that Dominic took me. She must've. Maybe she got the plate number of the car. Maybe she's on her way, right now.

It's freezing down here. I'm sitting against the wall in the corner of the room and hugging my knees, trying to hold in what warmth I can. There's nothing in the basement but some wooden planks, half the length of the house. Nothing here is good weapon or survival material. I've gotten used to the smell of rotting flesh but the deer carcass hanging upside down by the dryer is hard to ignore. I'm not stupid though, I've just got to keep myself together. I can't let them break me. They'll want that.

Suddenly, the basement door opens. The passenger comes down the stairs, careful not to spill the bowl of soup in his hands. I find it odd but I'm hungry… and freezing. He hands the bowl to me; almost shy. Okay, Alex, you see these guys all the time; you know how they work. Break him before he breaks you.

"Thank you," I say quietly. I eat fast as he starts to speak.

"I wasn't supposed to… but Dominic is sleeping. I felt bad for you," the man confesses. He's defiantly the follower. I need to gain this guys trust.

"What's your name?" I ask.

"Robert," he answers, "but everyone calls me R.T." He half smiles, then his face turns to a frown, "except Dom. He calls me 'Shit'."

"Why?" I ask distantly. His eyes are out of focus; as if he's returning to the exact place and time the name was dubbed upon him.

"I was a little shit growing up I guess." Floor board's creek and Robert's eyes snap to reality. He takes the half eaten bowl from my hands and walks up the stairs. Dominic meets him halfway.

"What do you think you are doing?" He barks at his brother. Robert starts eating the soup.

"I was bothering her. I got bored," he answers nonchalantly.

Dominic heads down the stairs and over to me. He doesn't miss a beat. He squats down in front of me and shoves his thumb in my mouth. I start to gag.

"It feels like you fed Ms. Cabot hot soup." I cough as he pulls his hand from my face. He goes to stand but turns back to me. "I didn't say you could eat," he says angrily and this me hard across the cheekbone.

"Hey come on!" Robert protests in a moment of bravery.

"You got a problem?" Dominic asks, getting to his feet.

"It's just, you're goin' to mess up her pretty face," he says timidly.

"You're goin' to mess up her pretty face," Dominic mocks. "You're a pansy, you know that? A fuckin' disgrace," he says smacking Robert's cheek, equally as hard. "Now you can match. Bitch. You want to bother Ms. Cabot? I'll show you how." Robert and I watch Dom's every move, unsure of who he's calling and for what.

He dials a number and smiles as the receiver picks up. He turns to me with a sick grin and an eight year olds mischief in his eyes. "You're quite the long distance runner Detective."

No. Not her.


	37. Chapter 37

**Thirty Seven: Olivia**

"You're quite the long distance runner Detective." My heart skips a beat.

"Dominic." Everyone around me holds their breath.

"Ding! Ding! Ding! Would you like a fucking prize?"

"What do you want?" I ask coolly.

"Ha! How silly of me! All this time I thought you didn't care about what i I /i wanted." His jest is not amusing.

"I'm listening," I say.

"Of course you are," his tone turns dark, "I have something you want. Looks like Ms. Cabot is just Ms. Popularity tonight! Everyone wants a piece of her!" His maniacal laugh shakes every nerve in my system.

"Let her go Dominic." I say sternly.

"Why are you so interested in my friend Ms. Cabot?" He asks but I know he already knows the answer.

"Why are you? You don't even know her," I say emotionless.

"Oh I know enough. We'd have lots to talk about… if I wanted her for talking." I close my eyes at the statement and swallow hard. I've got to keep my cool. "I almost know her as well as you do Detective. The only difference is, I don't sleep with my friends. I sleep with my whores."

My eyes flash open. Elliot inches forward, staring intently at my expressions, confused as hell. Serena is biting her nails nervously. How did Dominic know? Has he been following me? I look at Elliot and point to my phone and mouth 'trace'. He nods and disappears, grateful to be of some use.

"It seems everyone has slept with my friend Alexandra but me!" He exclaims as a man in the back ground lets a laugh escape. My heart is racing harder than when I was chasing the car hours before.

"What do you want with her Dominic? You could pay any street pro to sleep with you. Now I know you're not a shy man," I say in a mocking tone. I can play this game. He's trying to rattle me.

"Tisk, tisk, Olivia. It's the i principal /i of the thing! It's not about sex! Ms. Cabot is a very judgmental person. She doesn't really care about anyone. No one's good enough for her. She uses people like I'm using her right now. So, what right does she have to do that? She goes to court and puts people on the stand and judges them too. She gets other people to judge too! There are just a lot of judgmental things going on with her. Have you taken a good look at her though? Let's judge her for once. I don't think it's fair for someone like i her /i to be in the position to judge others." Dominic repeats himself, talking in circles, skirting what he really wants to tell me.

"What do you mean?" I ask, getting confused.

"She's a dyke Olivia…" Oh that. Oh man. "…but you already knew that didn't you?" he says playfully. I clench my fists, willing myself to stay in control… for her. If I get mad, I'll loose her. It's what he wants.

"Yes, I did," I answer simply.

"You don't seem too upset. Could it be because you tricked her into being one, for your own evil reasons?"

"I don't think so," I say keeping my feet planted. Elliot returns from the computers. He looks at me and mouths, 'cell tower'. He shakes his head and shrugs.

"I do," Dominic answers bitterly. "The truth is, Alex isn't a dyke Olivia. She's pregnant with this shit head's baby. You didn't do that to her and you never could." His words are wrenching my heart in more ways than one.

"I understand," I say; tears brim my eyes.

"I'm glad. Besides, shouldn't the i real /i father get to spend some time with the mother of his child?" I put my hand over my eyes and will myself to focus. My skin is crawling with anxiety and anger.

"Why does he care? Shouldn't he have other kids somewhere?" I ask.

"Yeah, he does. However, he felt he should remind Alex here, of her role," he says. If I could see his face, I swear he's smiling.

"What's that?" I ask him.

"A nice, _straight_, Christian mother. Obviously she's strayed a bit so we need to break her in so that doesn't happen again." My imagination is brutal and I can't take it anymore.

"You son of a bitch," the bitter words slip out before I can think. Fuck! I slap my hand over my mouth in disbelief.

"Am I bothering you Olivia? I'm sorry… Are you squirming now? Are you squirming the way you wanted me to do for you at the precinct?" He laughs into the phone, "Do onto others, as you'd have done to you Detective."

-click-

"FUCK!" I scream as I go to throw the phone but Elliot raises his arms and stops me.

"What do you want to do?" he asks.

"I have no idea now."

After about thirty five minutes of trying to figure out their whereabouts, it hits me. I grab my coat. Elliot stops what he's doing and looks up. "What's up?" he asks patiently. I know he'll follow me anywhere tonight; even if it's to my grave.

"This is taking too long. We're doing this the old fashioned way." I say.

"Go to Goshen and pick a direction?" he asks in disbelief. I guess it's the only rational thing that comes to his mind.

"No. We're going to get it out of Hallie." I assure him. He nods and gets up, grabs the keys and we head out.

We arrive at Riker's and my mind is about to explode. I'm good at surprising my emotions so that's what I do. I walk confidently down the corridors; my game face on. I tell myself to calm down; time to do some acting.

"Olivia? Come to hear more about my life today?" The short scraggly looking girl asks.

"Yes actually," I say with a soft smile. Look at me. Look at me about to be your best friend. "I just got off the phone with your boy friend." I say calmly.

"Fiancé," she corrects.

"Right… It seems he got tired of waiting for you though." I begin the lie.

"What do you mean?" she asks absently. She picks at her nails completely uninterested.

"Well, he called me to tell me about his new girl," I say with a cocky smile. I want her to eat out of my hand. Come on you stupid bitch.

"What are you talking about Detective? He loves me," she reassures me.

"Well, I don't know. He gave me a pretty detailed description of her. She is tall, blonde hair, blue eyes. He said she has great legs. I hear she's quite a catch. In fact, he told me he couldn't meet with me because he's gone on some sort of vacation. He doesn't want to be bothered."

"You're such a liar," she laughs.

"Really?" I think of the cell phone trace and hope she'll fill in the blanks. She's taking the bait. "Hallie, did he ever take you to Connecticut?" A light bulb goes off in her uncharacteristically large head.

"BASTARD!" Her fists slam the table hard. "I thought he'd control himself… for me." She looks to the floor, defeated.

"Control what?" I ask.

"He's not good with monogamy… among other things. He promised he's never cheat again though!"

"Again?" I push.

"Yes! Look, I know I'm not the greatest catch in the world but God!" She says rubbing her head. I thought she was in on all Dominic's crap but I think she's just stupid.

"Don't beat yourself up, Hallie. Dominic has a lot of problems. I'd like to find him so I can help him. I know he's hurt you… He's hit you too, hasn't he?" I coax, going on gut.

"He didn't mean to, he's better, I swear," she's almost pleading with me to agree with her.

"He's off on vacation is what he is," I point out.

"God damn son of a bitch!" Hallie yells.

"He's taken you to Connecticut before, hasn't he?" I ask, with a touch of sympathy. I'm good at acting; always have been.

She sighs, "Our father has a lodge out there in Haddam on the Connecticut river. It's beautiful." …Holy shit, did she just…

"Wait… is Dominic your brother?" Hallie gives me an 'oh shit' look.

"It's not what you think," she says, but it is what I think. I'm completely shocked and disgusted.

"Illuminate us then," Elliot says. I bet he just can't wait to hear this excuse.

"Dom loves me. He taught me i how /i to love! In the bible, brothers and sisters lay together to create life. There are just so many sinners now that they think i we're /i in the wrong." I look at Elliot and he has no words. He just puts his hands up and cracks a laugh. A laugh that says, 'I don't even believe what I just heard.' I stand and don't wait for her to go on. I turn and leave; Elliot at my heels.


	38. Chapter 38

**Thirty Eight: Alex**

Dominic snaps his phone shut and looks at me, "I don't think she liked that conversation very much Alex." I frown and a smile sweeps across his face.

I have so many things I could say to him right now. There are so many thoughts reeling, bursting at my brain, ready to come out but I can't say a word. If he hurts me… if anything happens to me Olivia will never forgive herself. If anything happens to my baby, not only will Olivia never forgive herself for that too… neither will I.

The two men head upstairs and I'm left alone again. I hear Dominic start to yell at Robert for coming down here in the first place. I get up and go over to the bottom of the stairs to listen.

"From now on, you only go down there when I tell you, you can," Dominic reprimands Robert.

"But you said to that detective lady…" Robert starts.

"I was just pushing that bitches buttons… but I wasn't lying about you breaking her in. I hate that detective. I want to teach her a lesson and we're using Ms. Cabot to do it."

Oh my God, I'm in for it. I've got to get out of here. I leave the stairs and look around the basement. I'm not going out like this. I look at the small window near the ceiling. There is no way I'm going to fit through that window… Or is there? How the hell am I going to get up there? I look down at the planks along the wall and I know I can't lift them. There's no way. I look at the hanging deer. Gross. I have to go near it.

I explore the rest of the empty basement. The deer is strategically hanging in front of the cellar doors that lead to the back yard. I push it aside to get to the handles. The deer's heavy, cold corpse rubs against my back as I discover the chained handles. I hear a heavy rainfall start to bounce off the metal doors. The sound startles me until I figure out what it is and the smell of the deer leaning against my back is gagging me. I pull my dress top up over my nose. I feel the chain in the darkness and it's rusty. It's obviously been there for ages.

"Dammit," I mutter to myself. I move away from the doors and comb the damp floor for anything I can use to pick away at the disintegrating barrier. My body is trembling terribly at the frigid air; my teeth chatter loudly. Being on the floor on all fours is only dropping my body temperature. The chill of the cement on my knees and legs is agonizing but I try to push the thoughts out of my mind. I comb the dirty ground with my fingers and find a long sturdy nail. This will have to do. I jump to my feet. I hear a knock at the front door and I go to the base of the stairs to listen.

"$13.52 Sir," an Asian accent comes through.

"What happened out there?" Robert jokes with the man.

"Sleet and rain coming down hard! Weather man say, it'll be like that for all of tonight!" the man exclaims.

"That sucks man, drive carefully," Robert says kindly to him.

"Thank you," he says and I hear the front door close and I smell the take out.

"Bring me a beer and turn this to channel four. The game is on." Dominic barks at Robert.

I decide this is the perfect time to get out. I go over to the door, pull the fabric over my nose and push the dead animal aside. I feel in the dark for the rusted parts of the chain. I'm not even going to waste my time with the lock. That's going to be impossible. I feel a weak spot and chip away at the broken metal. I hold the chain tight and stab the spot over and over with the nail. I feel little pieces break off. Yes! Maybe I can get out of here after all. I stab it over and over. The nail misses and I get myself in the hand. I suppress a yelp and keep going. I feel the weak spot get smaller and smaller until it falls. The clank the swinging chain makes causes my heart to stop and I hold my breath. I wait; listening for movement upstairs… nothing. I gently pull the chain from the handles and place it quietly on the floor.

I head over to the base of the stairs to make sure I'll have a good head start before they've figured me out. I hear them mumbling and the roar of the game on their big screen TV. It must be huge; the sound coming through the basement is out of control. Also judging by the size of the lodge itself, this family doesn't really go without.

I go back to the cellar doors. This is going to make a lot of noise when I open them. Maybe I should wait until they scream at the TV. again. Who knows how long that will take? However there sleet is masking a lot. I might just be able to get away with it. I just want to get out of here and I'm face to face, with what might be, my only chance. I trust Olivia to come but Dominic is mad now and he could do anything he wanted before she gets here. I'm not about to let myself get tortured.

I take a deep breath and I push the door. It doesn't budge. I take another deep breath and brace myself. In one swift movement I push with all my might. The rusted door cracks and I'm able to push it open. Oh thank god! It didn't make as much noise as I thought it would. I run up the stairs on my toes in my strapped on heels and turn to slowly close the heavy door.

I can see the men through the window. They are screaming at the football game. I see Dominic throw the remote control at the TV. I duck low and head for the woods. I see a lodge in the distance with lights on. That's my target. I just have to get up that hill and get help. I'm going to make it!

I walk slowly crouched under the windows until I am able to slip into the dark woods. Once cloaked by the dark shadows, I move as fast as I can in these heels towards the soft glow of my, soon to be, safety.


	39. Chapter 39

**Thirty Nine: Olivia**

We speed through the city streets, weaving in between cars wit h the siren blaring until we hit the highway and blaze the road, topping 95 mph. I see a sign for Connecticut after twenty minutes. My stomach becomes queasy with anxiety. The car is flying… it's not helping my stomach but we're making good time.

When I see the sign for Haddam I pick up my cell phone and dial the number last sent to me. Dominic answers.

"What can I do for you detective?"

"What do you want from us Dominic?" I proceed bluntly, "You wouldn't have taken Alex for nothing."

"How many years have you been doing this job? You're right, I wouldn't. Brownie points for you. I want my freedom. I didn't rape her," he says plainly.

"I know but you know the man who did," I answer.

"He's here too," Dominic says. My fears confirmed, I want to cry, or scream, or shoot something, but I don't.

"Were you planning to give him up?" I ask.

"For my freedom? Sure." He says this as though we were speaking of an old bike, instead of a close friend.

"I'll trade you Alex and your partner for parole," I lie to him. Elliot turns and looks at me for a second, shocked at my offer.

"Can you even do that Detective?" he asks suspiciously.

"Yes I can," I say certainly as though I made deals all the time. "Let me talk to Alex," I say sternly.

"Why?" he asks suspiciously.

"Because I'm not about to set a deal if she's not okay," I say as though it should have been obvious. All the while I'm sweating to death, praying he'll pass the phone. I hear him get up and a door creek open.

"What the fuck?" Dominic says quietly.

"Hello? Is there a problem Dominic?" I ask impatiently. But I'm not impatient; I'm freaking the fuck out. Why did he just say that? Is she dead? Did something happen?

"You're little bitch is quite the brave one," Dominic replies bitterly.

"Just let me talk to her," I tell him.

"I can't… she's gone," he says angrily. She got away! That's my fuckin' girl! A smile spreads across my face and I hold my hand over my mouth so Dom can't hear my sigh of temporary relief. Oh God, get away from there Alex! I hear him shuffle things around frantically. There's a man in the back ground calling Alex's name. I hear a loud creek and a loud sound. "Ah ha… here we go," Dominic says triumphantly. Fuck! I hear his boots crunch into snow and rain hit his cell phone. "I've got to let you go Olivia. I've got some hunting to do." Before I can open my mouth the line goes dead. Elliot looks at me expectantly.

"She… got away," I say in disbelief.

"Holy shit! GO CABOT!" Elliot laughs in a great exhale of relief. "We just gotta go find her!"

"Before he does…" I say quietly.

"Liv, this is good news," Elliot exclaims. "Alex is a diehard, she won't go without a fight. She'll be okay, I know it."

"He wouldn't have known…" My mind starts it's brutal self hatred.

"What?"

"She would've gotten farther if I hadn't called," I tell him.

"Olivia, don't you dare start that," Elliot says in that dad voice. "Alex makes great use of her resources, she's probably halfway home!"

"That's the turn Elliot!" I say pointing to Newmans' grocery store. Elliot donuts the car and we turn down a dark wooded road.

"Sorry about that, hang on!" He straightens the car. "You sure you're ready for this?" Elliot asks. A different kind of fear laces his eyes. It's one with more attachment than I've ever seen from him. He's scared for her… and for us.

"No, but it'll come to me," I say breathing hard. "Park here."

"Here? On the side of the road?" Elliot asks.

"We're going on foot." I answer. Nothing can stop me now. I feel nothing, see nothing… am nothing. I am nothing but this mission; my mission. The mission that will determine the outcome of my life. I tell myself over and over, I am a machine. I tell myself, I am unstoppable.

"Should I call for back up?" Elliot asks.

"No. Not yet." I say.

Elliot pulls his shirt off and pulls on his bullet proof vest. I pull my vest over my tank top, buttoning my long sleeve shirt up, cloaking the vest. I pull my coat back over everything. The sheet beats the windshield loudly but the only sound in the car is our swishing shirts and Velcro straps. They stick and re-stick, to make sure these vests are snug. I pull out my gun; check my bullets and the barrel of the gun. I double check my weapon, making sure nothing will go wrong. There is no room for error tonight.

I get out of the car, take a deep breath and start heading towards the cabin in the distance. I feel like there should be fight music playing around us but only the harsh sound of frozen rain can be heard. Our feet crunch lightly in the snow covered woods. The only light illuminating our path is the soft glow of the moon shining on the sparkling snow. It'd be beautiful if I weren't treading through it thinking someone might die tonight.

We make our way past tall black trees in silence. Our breathing is steady… for now. I pull out my radio as we near the hunting lodge.

"This is Detective Olivia Benson…" I start in a low concentrated voice. It sounds like this could be my good bye speech on a sinking ship. "…badge 4015, requesting back up, bus and S.W.A.T. at location 4-2-5 Lender Brook Road." Elliot waits and watches silently.

"Copy that, Detective Benson," a uniform answers.

"Cutting communication," I say. Elliot gives me a look like we are about to face an army alone.

"Copy that. Cutting communication at this time is not suggeste-." –Click- I switch the radio off and drop it into the snow.

"Liv?" I look at him. He looks at me like I'm crazy. I am. "Are you out of your mind?"

"Whatever happens in there… Elliot, don't try to be a hero. Do you understand me?"

"Liv-" His tone sounds argumentive. I hold up my hand. I lift a finger for each name I recite.

"Kathleen, Maureen, Dickie, Elizabeth and Kathy," I say giving him a hard look. "Don't hurt yourself if I do something stupid."

"Are you planning to?" he asks in disbelief.

"No, but you know me. I don't really plan at all. Anything can happen," I say honestly. I start to walk and Elliot follows.

As we approach the house I notice cars in the driveway. Neither of them are the car I saw tonight. Another lodge is in the distance. I see the reflection of the moon bounce off the unmistakable vehicle I sprinted after earlier.

"Wrong lodge… dammit," I say to Elliot. He follows my gaze and sees the car. "Let's keep going. Keep your eyes and ears open for them. I'm sure they're all out here somewhere."

"Maybe we should check to see if they made it to this house." Elliot suggested.

"There's no way they made it there this fast. Look how far apart the houses are. Alex might have; in which case, I won't have to worry because the guys are responding to that house. Alex might still be out here though. It's Dominic I'm looking for… and his little friend. If he i is /i out here, he's looking for Alex. We need to find him before he finds her." I explain.

We trudge through the bitter cold, stepping over fallen branches and through tangled trees. "How ya doin?" Elliot asks after a few minutes. "You're knees, I mean."

"They're sore but I'm okay," I say quietly.

"Okay."

"Elliot," I start, as I see we are getting closer to the lodge. The sleet is falling hard and I'm freezing and soaked. The sound is deafening… I couldn't hear Alex if I wanted to. Still, I'm afraid Elliot will hear my heavy breathing and my heart beating out of my chest.

"Yeah?" His voice is tired but he wouldn't be sleeping now; trudging through the snow or not.

"You've been suck a good friend. I mean, I always told myself that someday I'd tell you. We never really talk about it. I think now's a good time to thank you for being there for me."

"You've been the same for me Liv… God, this sounds like we're saying goodbye," he said painfully.

"No, just 'I love you's'," I say sadly, because I'm half lying. Something in me is saying, this i is /i going to be goodbye. I can only pray, (for the first time in years), that my gut is wrong.


	40. Chapter 40

**Forty: Alex**

I look over my shoulder every couple of minutes but I am still alone. They still aren't coming. I silently curse whoever built these houses so far apart. This has to be, what feels like, the longest hike of my life. My dress is wet and sticking to my legs, making it harder to walk, than it already is. I'm freezing to death but I think the movement is helping to get my blood pumping. My feet are sliding in and out of my shoes and I'm debating whether to take them off or not. The sleet is stinging my face, with the harsh wind whipping it into me.

I've come to a hill and I'm trying desperately to pull myself up by grabbing the ice encased branches lining it. My palms are throbbing as they slide off the slippery stalks; some pieces of ice cutting small slivers into my skin. I don't think about it, I just keep moving.

Then I see it; something moving in the distance to the right of me. I drop to the ground where I am in hopes of not being seen. The tormenting rain makes everything a blur… still I strain. It's defiantly two figures. They're not coming this way though… They are coming down the other side of the hill… coming from the lodge I'm aiming for. I beg and will my eyes to make out the figures but in an instant I know I don't need to. I know that walk. I finally catch a glimpse of a silhouette. Hers! Oh thank God!

I stumble up off the ground and in my fast movement I slip and fall. I rip the shoes from my feet and tumble over the ground in my excitement and relief.

"O—" I go to yell her name but my voice is hoarse and I can't. Forget it, I don't care. My feet feel like I'm slipping and running over blades but I keep moving. My throat hurts; everything hurts. I try to yell to her again, I don't care if my vocal chords snap! She needs to see me. She needs to come and take me away from this place. I push with all my might and it works, "OLIVIA!" The cry is desperate and anxious and the two figures stop. I wave my arms and keep heading for her.

She spots me and she's yelling something I can't make out over the noise of the frozen rain. But I hear her voice. The timber and the tone make me feel invincible. I laugh inside a sigh of relief as I push my way through the brush to get to her.

"ALEX!" I can hear her voice cutting through the madness of the weather now. She's so close I'm a minute from grabbing her. But someone grabs me first.

"AHH!" I'm blindsided by Dominic! Olivia's scream escapes her as he hooks his arm around my neck and holds a pistol to my temple.

"Looks like the party can start now!" Dominic yells over the sounds of the night. Olivia freezes in place, stopping herself at her toes, almost toppling over. She pulls her gun out swiftly and aims it at Dominic's face. Robert comes up a second later. He's panicked by the situation and looks like a deer in headlights. Olivia looks at him and I see a look come a across her face that I've never seen. Elliot comes up behind her; gun drawn. Robert and I are the only unarmed people.

"You said I could have Alex and that guy," Olivia says pointing the gun to Robert then back to Dominic, "…if I gave you parole!" she yells. Robert makes a pained face.

"What!" he yells to his brother.

"Well I'm in a bit more trouble now aren't I?" Dominic laughs loudly. I feel his heaving chest against my back and I'm starting to loose any hope that this can end somewhat decently. "I'm a kidnapper!" He makes a silly face at Olivia but she stands completely still. She looks like a soldier waiting for the word to shoot.

"You were gunna give me to the police?" Robert screamed in disbelief. "I'm your fuckin' brother you asshole!" Olivia's eyes widened as the comment hit her ears.

"No I wasn't!" Dominic laughed. "I know this bitch couldn't make a deal like that! I'm not a complete idiot! Shit, really, you are so stupid." Robert cringed and gave an embarrassed look.

"This doesn't have to end ugly," Olivia yelled to him. Meanwhile, I'm so scared I think I might pass out but I can't. I need to stay together. I need to stay calm. My breathing is so heavy, it hurts so bad.

"Doesn't it?" Dominic challenges her.

"If you let her good that will look very good to a jury. We can work something out Dominic," Olivia called to him.

"My ass you can! You are in no position to make i deals /i Olivia! So stop fucking around with me!" He mocked her.

"She… can put in a good word and work with the lawyers on the case," I manage to tell him through my chattering teeth.

"I'm done playing with you broads!" He yelled.

"I SURE HOPE SO!" A voice came from up from behind us. Dominic took a step back and we all turned to see a woman there, holding a .38.

"HALLIE?" Olivia cried out in disbelief.

"JULIE?" Dominic and Robert said together.

"What the hell is going on?" Elliot asked, shaking his head.

"That's what I'd like to know!" the woman screamed at the two men. "Hallie told me all about what you boys were doing! You're breaking her fucking heart Dominic! I came out to see if it was actually true. I guess that Detective wasn't lying!" She yelled at Dominic. No one moved. Dominic's tone dropped to one of pure concern.

"You're sister is delusional! This isn't what it looks like Julie!" He tried to explain.

"I think it is! That woman," she said pointing the gun at Olivia, "told Hallie tonight that you were up here with a blonde woman. You're i new /i girl. Now… her hair is wet, but I'm pretty sure when it's not, it's blonde Dom!" she screamed at him accusingly.

"This is Robert's bitch! That Detective is a liar!" He screamed turning to Olivia. "What the fuck did you do?"

"I didn't do anything! You brought this all on yourself!" Olivia called. The three parties stood in a triangle. No one moved; afraid they'd be the first one shot.

"I did? I'm not the one accusing the wrong man of rape!" Dominic's yell became fierce. All I can do is stand here helpless, a mere few feet away from the woman who could drag me away from this.

"YOU MADE ME DO IT! I DIDN'T WANT TO HURT HER DOM!" Robert's once soft demeanor now a raging force aimed at Dominic.

"EXCUSE ME?" Julie turned her gun to Robert. " i That /I is YOURS?" She said referring to my stomach.

"It's not my fault Julie!" Robert pleaded but I could see that Julie heard nothing else.

A shot rang out. I gasped and slammed my eyes shut, only to open them a second later to find I was not the one dead. The sound boomed off the trees and through the rain… and that's when the madness became physical.

Robert dropped to the ground. Dominic's grip tightened on me as he swung around and shot at Julie in his rage. He missed and she fell, dropping her gun. I watched the gun slide over the ice film, over the snow, and down the hill. She was prepared though. She pulled a hunting knife from her boot and lunged at our feet. Dominic couldn't get at Julie with me at his chest. In that split hesitation, I hear Olivia come up behind Dominic and knock his gun from his hand. Elliot leapt past us and grabbed for it before Julie could get it. Dominic's mindless grip on my neck is suffocating me. He's trying to hit Olivia and not let me go, at the same time.

Just as I think I can't take another breath I feel his grip loosen and I drop from his arms. Olivia pushes him hard and he stumbles backwards. He's only away from me for a split second and Olivia's gun is barreling the round into his heart. Three shots pierce his skin before she stops, hearing Elliot's cries.

"OLIVIA!" He yells for her to stop and she does.

Instantly she turns to me, trips, hits the ground with her knees and grabs me frantically. She pulls me close to her and I throw my arms around her waist, clinging desperately to my savior.

"I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry for leaving you! I'm so sorry," she recites frantically over and over in my ear, rocking me forward and back. Tears are streaming down her cheeks and falling onto my face, otherwise, I couldn't even tell she was crying. Just panicking.

"I don't care! It's okay! You're here, you found me! You found me! You're here," I yell through my choked sobs. I push my face against her heaving chest and she puts her hand on my head, holding me steady. Her body is warm from her anxiety; a nice contrast to my aching, frozen skin.

I don't know what happened next because all I could think about was being safe in Olivia's arms. That's when I felt it. A piercing pain, so unimaginable, I don't believe it is happening. My scream rings out as I felt Olivia peel herself from me to push me down; throwing herself over me as a shield… but it was too late.

Elliot had been on the ground wrestling the knife from Julie when she knocked him square between the legs and squirmed away from him. The blood oozed from my stomach through my already drenched clothes onto Olivia's as I felt her swing her fist at Julie.

"AHH!" I heard her scream. No shots rang out until I heard Elliot scramble over and pull Elliot off of Olivia and I. One shot was fired… then nothing. Olivia lay silent over me as I feel my consciousness slipping away. I can hear sounds in the distance and I feel Elliot pull Olivia off of me calling both of our names. I want to answer. I want to but the sound won't come.

"OVER HERE!" Elliot stands and waves his arms. "I NEED A MEDIC!" He squats down in front of me and looks me in the eye, "You'll be okay Alex." He then turns his attention to Olivia, "Hang in there Liv," he says patting her face.

The footsteps, of the army of help, draw closer and I reach the closest hand I have to her face, up to her cheek. She opens her eyes a sliver then closes them again.


	41. Chapter 41

**Forty One: Olivia**

I can hear Elliot mumbling but I can't bring myself to open my eyes. My body feels so weary. I'm somewhere between consciousness and sleep. I feel a warm blanket being draped over me.

"That's better," he says quietly. I hear him drag a chair up close to me. "God Olivia…" His voice is sad and tired.

I hear the faint beep of a heart monitor… I'm right back where I started; the hospital. I feel Elliot take my hand. His are warm and soft… and shaking. The heart monitor beeps a little faster.

"You can hear me can't you?" he asks. "You knew this was going to happen. I don't know how, but… you just knew. That's why you said all that stuff outside the lodge." It's more of a statement than a question. I want to open my eyes, squeeze his hand… anything. I want him to know I can hear him, but I can't move. I'm sore and I'm guessing it's just all the medicine in me, keeping me so sedated.

"How's our girl?" I hear Fin's voice enter the room. Elliot sniffs fast. Was he crying? He's got to know I'll be okay. He let's go of my hand as I hear Fin approach. Too much of a tough guy, I guess. "So what happened out there?" Fin asks softly.

"Oh man," Elliot sighs heavily, "it's kind of confusing. I'll give you the cheated version I guess. Julie, Hallie's twin sister, showed up out of no where. She shot Robert for getting Alex pregnant; I'm assuming something was going on with those two. Dom shot Julie for shooting Robert, but he missed. Julie came at Dom and Alex with a knife but I managed to stop her. Olivia took advantage of Dom's distraction and jumped on him. She shot him like three times. I told her to stop. Anymore bullets and it wouldn't look like self defense anymore." They were silent for a moment.

"Damn," Fin finally spoke.

"Yeah, so Liv got Alex but Julie was wrestling with me and kicked me square in the boys… I lost my grip on her."

"El, you can't be blamin' yourself. I know that look." Fin points out.

"She got away from me and stabbed Alex and Liv. Alex could loose that baby because I didn't stop Julie." I had no idea that's what happened… What's happened to Alex?

"Come on Elliot, don't say that." Fin tries to reason with him.

"Olivia was just trying to protect Alex. I knew she'd do that at all costs. Now look at her," his voice gently shakes as though he's on the verge of tears. God Elliot, you know me. This is all on me, how can you think any of this is your fault? I wish I could tell you. I wish I didn't feel so helpless.

"How'd Julie get to Liv if she had on her vest?" Fin questioned.

"When Liv covered Alex, Julie just swung at her until she got her on the side. You know, that space between the front and back," Elliot explained.

I got stabbed? I don't even remember. I just remember covering Alex. My mind was on one track and that's it.

"Gees, poor girl. How's Alex doin'?" Fin asks what I am dying to know. "Where is she?"

"I don't know how she is. She's still in surgery. Liv went in a second sooner because she was bleeding out. Alex had a lot more tests because of the baby and all. They'll be bringing her in here later I guess. They tried to tell me to go home," Elliot half laughed, "but I'm stayin'."

"Elliot, I'll stay with Liv for a while. A lot happened tonight, you should go home and see your family." Fin offered.

"I shouldn't leave," he answered distracted.

"Kathy's called twice El… You could have died tonight. You need to go see them. Liv will be okay. She's a fighter…they both are," Fin points out and I hear Elliot's sigh of defeat.

"You're right… I need to see my family," I hear him get up and to my surprise he kisses my head. "Come back to us Liv," he whispers and I hear him leave the room swiftly.

What's that commotion? I open my eyes and turn my head slightly to see a nurse adjusting some kind of machinery through my blurry eyes. I blink lazily over and over until my vision clears. God, I feel like I've been hit by a truck. The nurse walks away from the bed revealing… her. The nurse jots some things on her clipboard and scurries away.

"Alex," I whisper. No answer. Oh man, I'm so tired. It's hard to do anything.

I give myself a minute to wake up and I manage to sit myself up. Holy shit, it hurts to bad. I look down to see stitches in my side. I look like a God damn rag doll. I pull my covers away slowly and turn, lowering my feet to the cold tile. I hold on to the railing of the bed for balance and straighten as much as I can. I shuffle over to her bed and look over her tired face. She looks so peaceful, lying here quietly. All I can do is thank God she's laying here and not the damn morgue.

I sit up on her bed, facing her. I reach out and touch her face. It's warm and I smile for a minute. You won't let anyone stop you, huh? You'd never take no for an answer. Not even from the big guy. I run my fingers through her soft hair. I fix it for her, stroking it silently. I don't think I've ever felt so grateful for something before. Being able to sit here with her, it's unbelievable.

I look her over. I lift her hand and touch her scratched palm gingerly with my fingertips. I inspect small cuts on her chin and shoulder. It must've happened when we fell.

I rest my hand on her stomach absently as I search her face for any other little injuries. That's when I notice it. I look down at my hand. I pull it away and glance at her still face before I pull her blanket down… It's… flat.

"Oh no," I whisper aloud to no one. "Oh God."

Alex's stomach is flat. The baby is gone. Alex's little girl… our baby girl we were going to take care of and love… she's gone. All those horrible days that Alex wrestled with her decision on what to do with this baby… all the reasons why we pushed away from each other only to come back stronger… all for nothing.

"Ohhhh noo," I repeat to myself as tears fill my eyes. My breathing becomes hitched and I cover my mouth to keep quiet but I can't. My crying begins as I let out my suppressed breath. I touch her stomach again, double checking, even though it's painfully obvious. My chest tightens and I let myself cry hard. Tears stream down my hot face.

"Alex… no. Open your eyes," I tell her, now choking through my sobbing. "Honey please wake up." I know she's out from surgery but I need her. I need her now. Wake up. I lean forward and lower myself next to her. Why did that innocent baby have to die? Why did this innocent woman have to endure all this? I just don't understand.

"Alexandra, please… talk to me," I push my face into her neck. I'm curled up against her, pleading with her, with anything, for her to just open her eyes. I feel pathetic and lost; like a child. I feel her twitch against me and I snap my head up and wait for something to happen.

"Alex?" Her eyes lazily open and meet mine. "Are you okay?" I ask, my voice shaking. She smiles sideways at me. A tear drops from my cheek and her smile fades fast.

"You're here…we're okay," she says relieved. "Why are you crying?" How do I tell her? What do I say?

I pick up her hand and lay it on her stomach. "I'm so sorry…" The tears begin to flow again. I'm a mess. I can't hold it together, not even for her. "Baby, I'm so so-r-r-ry." My voice cracks inside a staggered breath. I wipe my nose on my sleeve as I say these muffled words to her. She just looks at me blankly.

I feel her go to sit up so I sit up first, moving back fast to let her. She looks down quietly at our hands. My hand gently overlaps hers. I think she wants me to let go so I go to take it away. She stops me with the other.

I want to say something. I want to ask her what she's thinking. I want to ask why she's not speaking. But my mouth is closed so tight, holding in my silent hysterics. My chest bounces and my sharp breaths are all that can be heard until I hear Alex take a deep breath.

"IT'S NOT FAAAAIR!" Alex's shriek startles me and I almost fall backwards off her bed. She turns and throws her arms around my waist. "I just can't do this anymore!" She sobs into my paper thin shirt. I hold her as tightly as I can without hurting her. She hits her head against my sternum.

"I know, I know," I don't feel so reassuring with my words coming through my own cries.

"Ms. Cabot?" A nurse asks, about to enter.

"Get out!" I yell bitterly to her. The young woman jumps and hesitates. "I said GO!" She turns on her heal and leaves us.

I rock Alex gently in my arms for a long time until her sobbing hushes to a soft weep. My heart has broken for her. Where do we even go from here? Everything we've come to know is shattered. Every idea of security… is gone.

"Olivia?" Elliot's soft voice filters my ears as I feel his hand on my shoulder. Instinctively I lean towards Alex; protecting her. I realize I had fallen asleep, holding Alex in her bed. I roll slightly to look over my shoulder at Elliot.

"These doctors need to check on you guys," he says with a half smile, "but they're afraid of you." The smile dissipates fast. "Come on Liv." He holds his hand out to me. I look back at Alex. "She's okay, come on."

I see the nurse behind him, clutching her clipboard against her like a shield. Elliot helps me sit up. I don't want to leave her. I can't stand the thought of even crossing the room. I sit at the edge of the bed and shake my head. Elliot understands.

"Do her check up here," he says to the nurse. She nods and approaches me. "I'll be right outside and then we'll talk okay?" I just look at him. "Uh… okay," he says, unsure how to handle the situation. He nods to the nurse and leaves the room.

The nurse checks my breathing, my pulse; the usual .She checks on the bandages on my side. "You're all set Ms. Benson," she says turning to Alex. I sit up straight and she hesitates, "I'm just checking her incision… the monitors will take care of the rest." I watch as the nurse nervously presses Alex's stomach, under my scrutinizing gaze. Alex flinches and I slap her hand away without thinking. She gives me a look then says quietly, "I'll be back in an hour to check her vitals." She exits awkwardly.

Elliot returns and pulls up a chair. I don't know what to say. I feel empty and depressed. My eyes are open, I'm breathing, I hear Elliot ask me if I'm okay but it's like nothing computes. I can't think. I feel like I'm drugged up or something but it's just my body, unaware of what to do with all this.

"Liv? Are you listening?" I stare at him. "Well, I called your union rep okay? She's coming to see you tomorrow at 9 a.m. You guys should both be out by the end of the week. Alex might have to stay longer," I end his mindless speech instantly.

"I'm not leaving her," I say simply. My words catch him by surprise. He must've been here 20 minutes and I haven't said a word until now.

"I don't think they'll let you stay as long as she does Liv," he says unsure.

"I'll sleep in your chair," I say. He looks down at the cheap chair with metal arms. He goes to protest but knows better. We won't be getting anywhere today.

"I'll see what I can do." I'm grateful to him but I can't tell him. I can't tell him anything right now. He wants to know if I'm okay. He wants to know if I'm sore or if I want to talk. He wants to hear anything from me. So I give him something.

"Go home Elliot… hug your wife. Spend time…with your kids." My words sound harsh but I can't help it. He has four children. Four beautiful kids missing his presence. Thanks to this night, Alex won't even get to meet hers; neither will I. He opens his mouth to speak but I turn from him. I resume my spot, lying beside Alex. I wrap a protective arm around her and ignore Elliot until a moment later, I hear his footsteps disappear into the hall.


	42. Chapter 42

**Forty Two: Alex**

"Alex?" I hear Olivia come in the front door but I don't move from my spot by the window. I'm in such a weird mood. Well, I guess that's the understatement of the year. It's been two weeks since we've been back here, in Olivia's apartment and she's been tip toeing around me since. Normally I would hate that but somehow, it's been comforting. She's always asking me what I need, even though I always tell her that I'm fine. I hear her grocery bags hit the kitchen table as she sits carefully beside me on the couch.

"Listen, I stopped by the station today," she says softly. "I talked the Captain and he said I could have another week off."

"Liv, you don't need to baby sit me." I tell her gently, even though I'd love for her to just stay with me. Truth be told, I'm scared to be out there… I'm scared to be in here; to be anywhere. My days are filled with thoughts of how Hallie will get revenge when she gets out in a year and my nights are filled with Dominic's face screaming me out of sleep.

"Alex?" She takes my hand. The look of concern is the only one she's been wearing these days. "I want to take you out of the city, okay?"

"What do you mean?" Where would she take us?

"I want to take you somewhere really special." She looks away from me. Olivia, shy? That's a good one. "I think you should get out of here for a bit so you can relax." I go to protest because I don't feel much like traveling but she knows me to well. "Before you say no… A, I need this as much as you do. So much has happened and God… I almost lost you. I mean, what would I have done? I want to take you somewhere special because I want us to be close because of the care we have for each other, not because of the tragedy. Not that the tragedy isn't important… I, uh-." She's always so worried about offending me. It's almost cute to watch her put her foot in her mouth but I would let her torture herself.

"I'll go with you." I tell her. I tell her because she's right. This emptiness in me; this chaos… maybe a trip will ease that pain. Who knows? I have nothing to loose.

"Really?" Her eyes light up and I almost want to smile at her childlike surprise. Instead I nod. "I'm glad. You won't regret it, I promise." She kissed my cheek before silently retreating to the kitchen to fix dinner.

i "You thought you could get away Ms. Cabot? You're as dumb as your detective! She will never have you! You belong to us! Robert is your husband!" Dominic sneers pushing Robert into me. His hands immediately roam my body. I push them away but he touches me anyway.  
"GET AWAY! OLIVIA, I'M HERE!" I try to scream but it's so hard.

"She can't hear you Alex, she's dead! I killed her!" Dominic laughs in my face.

"Olivia's not dead! I'M HERE OLIVIA! I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME!" I just have this feeling. She can't be dead, she just can't be! Robert starts shaking my shoulders and I start hitting him.

"Ow!" Olivia? I can hear her but where is she? I've got to get away from Robert and find her! "Alex, baby, wake up." What? Wait, I… "Alex?" Olivia. /i

I open my eyes and Olivia's holding my shoulder with one hand and blocking my waving fists with the other. I pull back. Dammit! This isn't going to ever stop!

"Are you okay?" She's hurt that I won't let her comfort me. I don't know why I won't either. I don't know the half of what's wrong with why I won't let myself start to heal.

"I need to take a shower," I say. She sighs heavily and scratches her head. "I feel gross."

"Alex, it's three in the morning. Maybe we shouldn't get in the habit of doing this every night." She's exhausted. I know she is. It's written in her features and lined in every breath she takes. She doesn't sleep well either, but she doesn't sleep at all when I'm up and down all night. I can't help it. I just feel so gross. I feel dirty when I think of those people. Those men who did what they wanted. Then I feel cold. Like I'm in that basement… like I'm still running through those woods. I'm just so cold all the time. Olivia thinks I'm crazy, I'm sure.

"Just go back to sleep, I'm fine," I tell her. But I'm not fine. I would crush my own skull if I knew the thoughts would never again return but then I see her. She's got this sad look, like a house cat that's begging you to let her run outside. Or in this case, begging me to let her in. As much as I want to drop off the earth, I selfishly love being near her and seeing her face.

I lazily drag myself into the shower. It's bright and I feel safe because I can see everything but I'm hidden by the steam at the same time. It's perfect. I can't get enough of it. I just stand under the scolding water and wait for the goose bumps to retreat under my skin and my body temperature to rise.

I hear the shower door open. I'm leaning sloppily against the wall and if I turn I'll probably fall over. I feel her arms snake around my waist and she rests her chin on my shoulder. We stand there silent. The water beats loudly against the walls. I want to justify, again, why I'm standing here.

"I'm so cold. I'm sorry," I tell her. I tell her this every night I wander in here. Sometimes in the middle of the afternoon, this feeling washes over me and get in here and scrub my skin until it's so raw I can't feel the water hit it.

"It's okay. Wong said it will stop over time. You'll feel better soon," Olivia reassures. She's good to me; better than I could ever expect. Maybe better than I deserve. She knows I hate being alone… even in the shower. The shadows even scare me sometimes. I'll turn around fast thinking it's someone coming up behind me but it's never anything. I don't know. I don't if I'll ever be the same. I don't even want to think about the baby. It's easier to learn how to separate myself from that.

"You don't have to-" I start, but I tell her every night and she's ready.

"Alexandra." When she says my name like that I still feel chills. She's said it before and I guess she doesn't really need to repeat it. She's not going to leave me. She's going to make sure I'm safe. All I can think is, thank God someone is catching me before I hit the ground. Hopefully it will be Olivia's love that will save me from myself and bring me back to life because right now I don't even know who I am.

"Liv, what are you doing?" I walk into her bedroom and she's unloading her dresser into a carry on suitcase.

"I'm packing. Remember, you agreed to let me take you out of the city," she reminded me with a sideways smile.

"Exactly how far are we going?" I ask as she piles her t-shirts on the bed.

"It's a surprise but we're leaving tonight," she says nonchalantly.

"Tonight! We can't leave tonight," I say, immediately getting defensive. I can't just up and leave!

"Why? Do you have somewhere to be?" she asks sarcastically knowing full well I'm not going anywhere.

"It's not the point," I say, my mind starts to wander. "We didn't plan. I didn't plan. There's no schedule. I don't know about this."

"Alex," Olivia abandons the suitcase and holds my shoulders, bowing her head to meet my eyes. "Trust me. Sweetheart, let me take care of you. I want to do this for you because you deserve it. Don't fight it, okay? I think it's really important that we go. I can't stress that enough." How can I fight her? How can I say no to that face; those eyes bearing into me? I sigh and my shoulders sink. "Don't look so disappointed. It will be wonderful… and it will be warm. You might not even need to take so many showers."

I trust Olivia. I trust her with everything. That's something I've never done before. She would protect me at all costs. Every time I catch her wince because she turned the wrong way makes me feel horribly guilty. Now, she's begging me to let her try and heal me to. I'm an idiot for resisting her. She's trying so hard to make things right even though none of this is even her fault. She's so amazing.

I step forward and kiss her softly, as though I could break her in a minute. She kisses me back equally as fragile and I feel her fingers lightly weave through my hair. It's not about passion right now; it's about gratitude and appreciation. She didn't expect this because I've been so distant but she welcomes it.

"I'm sure we'll have a great time… wherever it is." She smiles.


	43. Chapter 43

**Forty Three: Olivia**

Well, she's taking this well. Not knowing where we're headed and letting me drag her here. She doesn't seem worried or nervous. Maybe she's relieved? Either way, I know _I_ feel nervous, and it isn't about the flight. This week has to be perfect. I think if one of us chipped a nail, the apocalypse would finally happen. So, yes… perfect.

_…Please put all belongings in the over head compartments and place your trays in the upright position. Now departing for Phoenix…_

"We're going to Arizona Olivia?" Alex asks, horribly confused.

"Ha ha! No, we have a stop over flight. It's going to be a long one but it will be worth it." I say with a smile. I want her to ease up. I want myself to. Maybe I can trick myself into it.

The further we fly from New York, the happier I feel. I never thought that was possible. It's only 9 p.m. but it doesn't matter what time of the day it is when Alex nods off. She falls asleep all the time; maybe because she doesn't sleep at night. I don't bother her though.

I rest my head on the back of my seat and look at her. She's curled up against the window of the plane and I watch her chest slowly rise and fall. The in-flight movie is softly buzzing some chick flick with a soothing soundtrack in the background. I lay my coat on her lap and she lets out the softest of sighs. It makes my stomach twist and I smile. It's good to feel a twinge of normalcy, even if it's only for a moment.

A half hour lay over, two cups of coffee and a turn down the wrong terminal later we are on the correct flight to Hawaii…

"I don't even believe it! You should have told me," Alex says swatting my shoulder as the flight attendants close the overhead compartments, preparing for take off. Her smile is splashed across her face and she's so excited. It makes me laugh with happiness knowing I could pull her out of her funk. I have a great feeling about this week. "I've never been to Hawaii!"

"Are you kidding me? You're family never went? You don't have like ten houses down there?" I joke and she pretends to frown. The smile returns and she shakes her head. "What?" I ask.

"You," she starts. Seriousness is laced along her grin. "You just are always on top of things aren't you?"

"If the night goes well," I joke. She gasps in 'disbelief' and laughs at me.

"OH YOU!" She swats at me again and as I swat her back, our hands fumble and she catches mine; holding it tightly. "I mean it Liv. Thanks." I smile at her and the electricity I feel cursing through our fingers gives me chills.

Getting off the plane, we're so exhausted. I wanted her to wake up in Hawaii, that's why we're getting here so late. I look down at my watch, 12:45 a.m. We rent a car and I drive us to Maui.

"Oh my Gosh, look at this place!" Alex exclaims as we drive up to the hotel. The check in building has, what looks like, a jungle in the lobby. A waterfall demands attention as bright birds sit on the trees around it, squawking. Alex's eyes are wide as she takes in her surroundings. I go over and check us in.

"So where's our room?" She asks as I lead us out the back door. I've done my research about this place online. It was perfect… and some what affordable. With map in tow I lead her to our town house. As we walk in, we drop our things in the kitchen and Alex wanders down the hall. "Wow, this is all for us? Olivia, you really shouldn't have, this is so… Oh look at the view!" I step into the living room and see her standing on the patio over looking the incredible drop to the ocean below. The living room is open and spacious with enormous windows looking over the sound.

"I'm glad you like it," I say, walking up behind her. She turns to face me and just as my hands touch her waist, her lips are on mine. My body lights up. Her movements are slow and sensual. Just when I think my legs are going to snap she breaks the kiss and throws her arms around my neck so tightly I'm having trouble breathing. "Things are going to be right from now on," I tell her breathlessly. I want the chain to start right here.

We wake up in beautiful Maui, just as I had planned in my head… only I could never imagine it like this. The town house with the straw roofing and wooden interior lights up like magic when the sun first rolls over the, now, sparkling water. It's incredible and for the first time, in what feels like months, Alex opens her eyes and greats the day with a smile.

The first three days we spend exploring the island and all it has to offer. We watch flame throwers and hula dancers on the beach and I take Alex to restaurants that have exotic character. We're tourists, but we don't act like them. We've had drinks at tiki bars. We've wandered to a half a dozen beaches, where the water is always crystal blue.

"Come body surf with me," I ask her excitedly. The beach we've hit today is perfect for it.

"You go on without me," Alex answers, somewhat distracted.

"Why? You come too! I know you're burning up, now come on!" I place my feet on either side of her towel and tower over her.

"You're blocking my sun detective!" She answers playfully.

"Get up or I'll arrest you for being uncooperative!" I laugh reaching down for her hands and pulling her up to her feet.

"Olllivia," she whines.

"What? You act like you've never body surfed before," I say pulling her down to the water. I feel a snag of resistance. I turn and see her face, suddenly shy. "Alex, really?"

"Well, I missed out on a lot of things when I was a kid," she stated in her defense with a frown. "Besides, it wasn't a proper thing to do."

"Well, the rule here is, 'there is no proper'. We're here to let go and have fun. Come on, it's easy, I'll show you. I know you can swim and that's half the battle!" I pull her into the warm water and I start to swim. She follows close behind.

A wave comes at us but I duck under it and so does she. I look over at her. She's so adorable when she's concerned. "Ok I see a big one!" I tell her and I see her switch her game face on. I almost laugh. "When I say swim, you swim towards shore, okay?" She nods. The wave gets closer and closer until it's just upon us. "SWIM!" I shout and I take off. The water splashes ashore but I'm the only one it took with it. I turn to see Alex taking the wave behind it. It's bigger and faster and well… I should've known she'd show me up. I laugh and stand with my hands on my hips as she tumbles into my feet laughing.

"That was crazy!" She cries as I pull her to her feet. "Let's go again."

"You're on!" I say racing away from her into the water for a head start. I hear her call my name as she jumps in after me.

The rest of the afternoon is spent speeding through the water. Alex just couldn't get enough of riding those waves. It felt great to play and be silly and not to worry about the dreary life back in New York. I love the city more than anything but sometimes you need a break. A break like this.

"Excuse me miss," a Hawaiian boy, maybe 15, with dark skin and jet black hair approaches me as Alex and I retreat to our towels. "You're quite the skin rider out there." I hear Alex snicker behind me.

"Thanks," I say, eyeballing the board in his hand.

"My friends and I made a bet that you could surf," he says in a cocky tone. It's so cute.

"Actually I can surf," I answer honestly.

"Good because I bet them I could surf better than you," he said with a laugh.

"How long have you been on that board," I ask him with a smile.

"Three weeks, but I got it down. So to make me a boarder, I need to challenge someone. So I picked you," he said eyeballing me. Alex laughed again and I turned around and made a face like, 'shut up'. She covered her mouth and shooed me away telling me to do it.

"Okay," I say. The boy's face lights up. "I need a board." He turns and motions for a smaller boy to bring a board over.

"What's your name?" The boy asks.

"I'm Olivia," I tell him as we head to the water.

"I'm Malo. It means 'winner'," he said extending his hand to shake on our challenge. I just think this is all too funny. I can't wait to tell Elliot.

We get in the water and swim out far. We wait until we see a good one and Malo calls out to take the next one coming in. So I do. I catch the wave perfectly, which is a surprise to me because I haven't done this in years. I almost loose my balance but I get it back and ride the small curve of the wave. I glance over and see Alex smiling nervously, afraid I might fall. I look back just in time to see Malo slip and nose dive into the water. Ha, I win! I lay down on my board and let the water push me in.

"What happened out there Malo?" I ask, laughing.

"Good show Olivia, maybe I'll get it next time," he says. He takes my board and I walk back over to Alex.

"God that was incredible! I didn't know you could surf. Where did you learn?" Alex asks, clapping her hands.

"When I was younger, we lived near a six flags and I worked as a lifeguard. We had a wave pool and they would open it early for surfers. A few of them taught me how. We used to do it every morning for months until I had to move. Anyway, I'm starving lets get out of here." I say quickly changing the subject. I didn't want Alex to ask why we moved. There were only little pieces of my childhood that we exciting and fun. The rest were surrounded by chaos and I won't have that sneaking into my vacation.


	44. Chapter 44

**Forty Four: Alex**

"Ale-kan-eka," I say slowly to Olivia.

"What in the world are you talking about?" She doesn't turn her attention from the apple she's peeling.

"Liv, be careful with that knife. Cut away from you," I say holding my drink steady as I climb onto the hammock.

"Thanks mom," she laughs at me and stops peeling until the sway of the hammock slows. "So what were you rambling on about?"

"I said, Alekaneka," I answer less broken than before. "It's my name in Hawaiian," I tell her. I thought it was interesting.

"Alek… uh, too hard," she says leaning back. We sit facing each other and I push our feet up to one another. Hers are at least a size or two bigger than mine. It always made her self conscious. I could tell but she never out right said it.

"Want to know your name?" I ask.

"Where did you learn all this?" She says looking around jokingly for the answer, "And where was I?"

"Oh quiet you. I was in the gift shop and you know, it has all those touristy things. They have little wooden mugs with peoples names carved out in them. The gift shop owner was talking to me and we were looking for yours but they didn't have it." I tell her. She looks up from her apple.

"You were going to get me one?" She laughs at me like I'm a huge nerd.

"No! No one ever buys those things. They just like to see if their name is there," I say in my defense.

"Don't huff about it. I'm just playing with you. So, what's my name?" She asks placing a piece of apple in her mouth. Now I feel stupid and I don't want to tell her. "Alekakakaka, just tell me!" I laugh at the face she makes when she says her made up word.

"Fine! And that's Ms. Alekakaka to you! Otherwise known as Alekaneka! You're name is Oliwia," I say laughing. I know how silly it sounds. Olivia spits out part of her apple.

"Ha ha! What am I two? Don't look so embarrassed, it's not like you named me that," she laughs and leans over the hammock to put the last half of her apple and her knife on the near by table.

"It's our last night here," I say turning serious. I would give anything to stay forever. I scrunch my toes against her feet and she sighs.

"I know, but we had a good run right?" She answers with a smile. She looks away, as if to think. "We saw a lot of things, met some odd people, got free drinks at that tiki bar because the bar tender wanted you to marry him," she says with a smile.

"Oh he was bad, wasn't he? He just didn't get it!" I say remembering the 200 pound smitten, Hawaiian man. "He kept calling me island princess. I wonder how many times he's used that on people!"

"Maybe you should have told him to call you Princess Alekaneka!" Olivia jokes and I frown at her but the frown can't linger long. She's gotten such a tan since we've been here. Her skin is like bronze and the sun has cast highlights in her hair. She's simply gorgeous and she doesn't even know. "Alex? I mean, Alekaneka, are you there?"

"Shut up!" I say. "Did anyone ever give you weird nick names as a kid?" I wonder aloud.

"Um, I'm sure they did. What was one?" She stopped to think. "Duma."

"Wow where did that come from?"

"I was on the track team and I was their fastest runner. 'Duma' means cheetah in African. My friend Stella gave that to me. She was obsessed with African culture," Olivia smiled softly at the memory. "What about you? What's the damage?" One thing crossed my mind.

"Kids used to make fun of me at school. They used to say I was a snot and I thought I was better than everyone else. Kids who get all A's always get heat for it," I half laughed. "They used to call me Alexander. They would say, 'if you think you're so great why don't we use your manly title'. I hated it but I never let on. I was good at hiding how I felt. I just used to get revenge instead." Olivia's eyes never left my face. The intensity emanating from them was something only I could read. I knew that now. I knew that this woman's eyes would never leave my face. She had proved herself over and over. I love her so much. I release my childhood memory and turn my attention to her.

"They say kids are cruel," she states flatly. "You're better than that though."

"Liv," our conversation fast becomes serious. Thoughts that have been floating around in my head all week finally find place to come out now. "You've done so much for me. I never expected it. I wanted to be part of your life for so long… then I almost threw that away once I had it. But no matter how stubborn I was, or how much I drove you crazy… you always came back for me." She sat up to listen closely to my words. We sat Indian style facing each other as I held her cheeks in my hands. I searched her face for some response but she is very still for a moment. It almost scares me.

"Alex," she says inside a whisper. A tear rolls silently down her cheek and over my fingers. "you _are_ great. Every choice you make and every thing you do; it's powerful. You are a powerful woman. You are strong and you are brave and I can't help but love those things about you. Nobody is perfect and life isn't perfect… otherwise I would have made sure no one ever hurt you. I know I can't change what happened, and I couldn't have done anything different but that was the past. It's over… and you're still sitting in front of me and you have no idea what that means to me." For a moment I'm taken aback by her words. I don't know what to say. She smiles sweetly and takes both my hands, lacing our fingers together. My heart is pounding.

"I love you for every moment you ever spent on me," I look down at our hands.

"You can't face the world alone," she says softly. "That's the only thing that will weaken you… trying to do it all, without help." She lets go of one of my hands and I look up as she reaches down into her bag. "See that sunset?" she asks, rummaging through the disorganized sack.

"Yeah, it's our last one," I tell her, wiping a tear with my free hand.

"I hope," she starts, sitting back up… a silver jewelers box in her hand, "that it can be the first. This is the last night of our vacation but… we have a life in New York… with many more sunsets. I don't care if the skies are cloudy, or they are orange and pink, or they are as grey as the sidewalks…" My heart is racing wildly and I cover my mouth with my hand as she opens the box. "I want to watch them all with you… forever." She peels the ring from the box and holds it out to my hand. "My Alexandra the great… will you marry me?" Her voice shaking, her hands unsteady, I can see her dying for my answer but my voice is lost… so I nod. Tears of pure happiness, joy, relief, everything fall from my eyes. I can't believe it. I just can't believe it.

"Oh God," I say as the ring slides over my finger. I throw my arms around her and kiss her hard; my tears dampening our cheeks. She wipes them away. "I love you so much Olivia."

"I'm just glad you said yes," she jokes to relieve her tension.

"Of course, of course!" I laugh and I cry holding her tightly.

I never knew that working for the Special Victims Unit would ever affect me in such a positive way. I have Olivia. Now, I have her forever… and I'm okay with that. I'm more than okay. Being a woman, working her way through a man's world I was always so scared of what people could use against me that would bring me down. Olivia may think so, but I'm not Alexandra the Great. I'm just Alex… but right now, I _do_ feel on top of the world… and I think I will, for a very, very long time.

**THE END.**


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